Questions......?

Question

Ok, heres the situation. I adopted my son at birth. From the moment he breathed his first breath. I even cut the cord. The birthmom wanted NOTHING to do with him, even when she was in the hospital.

A little background info on the birth mom: She has a drug habit, (and has for years). She currently has had 6 children from 6 different men. She wanted to abort my son, but was too far along for a abortion here in california.

That said, Here is my situation. My youngest sister is in contact with her about once a month. The birth mom occasionally asks how I am doing, but NEVER asks how my son is doing.

This really bothers me. Am I petty for being offended that she never asks about my son?

When my son is old enough to understand adoption, what do I tell him? Wouldnt it damage him more to know the horrible conditions he was concieved in? Im really torn. We dont keep it a secret that he is adopted, but... I dont want him to hurt from the truth either.

Any suggestion

Answer 1

honesty is the best policy.  don't ever speak negatively of her, but tell him the truth.  let him know that you took him in so he'd have a loving, caring, safe home to live in.  i don't think you have to word it as 'she didn't want to have anything to do with you...'; i can't see how that's necessary.  be careful of your wording.  i think if you hide the truth from him and he finds out later, that would hurt more than telling him upfront and letting him handle how he feels about it.  who knows, he might be 100% understanding.

i don't think it should upset you that she doesn't ask about him...that IS petty.  she didn't want him, so why should she ask?  it's not something that should concern you one way or the other.

Answer 2

You tell him the truth, from day 1. "The Truth" is NOT: your mom didn't want you; your mom was a druggie, your mom never asks about you" etc. The truth is what you legitimately know AND what you can tell your child without harming him emotionally.

You don't truly know what the mom was thinking....she may have told you some things and you may have inferred some things, but you don't truly know what was in her heart. She may not ask about her son for a variety of reasons....one good one being that she greives about it.....another, that she doesn't want to hear how wonderful you are as a parent to her child, etc.

You simply tell your child he was adopted by you at birth. You tell him positive things about his birth, his mother, and his life with you. You tell him nothing negative about his mother....if he wants to know about specifics he will ask more detailed questions. Even then, you should frame the truth with the fact that you don't know the whole story. For instance: "Did my mom do drugs?" "Yes, honey, I believe she was addicted to drugs". "Is that why she didn't want me?" "Honey, I don't think that she didn't want you. I know drug addiction can be very difficult to overcome and I also know that sometimes people aren't able to make good decisions when they use drugs, but that doesn't mean that your mom didn't love you or that she didn't want you." etc. If you do not legitimately know the answer or if the answer is too painful to give, simply say, "That is a good question. I don't know the answer to that question, but I bet your mom would know. maybe you can ask her about it."

Answer 3

The fact is, she loved him enough to give him up.  That was in his best interest.  Her disease might make it where she has no confidence, and perhaps she knew that if she held him, she'd miss him more.  Always let him know, no matter what, that some people aren't meant to be parents, even though they have the equipment, and it's not his fault.  God had a plan for him, and that was to be with you.  To me, if that weren't true, he'd be somewhere else.  Someday, when he's old enough to realize it, the truth will come out.  Kids sometimes need to know some of the truth and not all of it to have satisfactory answers.  It's kind of like a 4 year old asking where babies come from, and you tell them from mommy's belly, not how intercourse takes place, etc.  The answer is enough, it's the truth, and not too much of it.  If the mother asks about you, maybe in her own way, she's asking about him too, and just can't say the words.  I just get angry at stories like that.  It seems so unfair that those of us who want kids so badly are unable to have them and women like that can.

Answer 4

I'll telll you my story.

I always knew I was adopted. But at some point when I was about 8 I had a memory. I remembered being torn away from a woman holding out my arms and crying and not wanting to go. And suddenly I realised, I must have been older than just born to remember something like that. I even remembered the wallpaper in the background.

I didn't ask my parents many questions because I was scared they would think I wasn't grateful.

By the time I was 15 I had become so curious and so confused and I was a complete mess actually. My parents were away for the day and I looked in the big cupboard in my parent's bedroom where all the old diaries my dad writes are kept. I took out the one for the year I was born and I read some shocking things. "Met a lovely child, a girl with fair hair, she had had her arm broken unfortunately as she was adopted into an abusive home at first which is tragic. (can you imagine my face)...They don't know much about her mother, but apparently she is in ____ mental hospital with what they think is schizophrenia (again, shock/horror). (and the worst bit) I am feeling a bit aprehensive about this adoption to be honest, but I don't want to tell (mum's name insterted) because she is so excited about it"..........then later on it said "we went to the final interview with blabla and I had to lie a bit really, I guess I needed to impress her...we will be getting the baby next week for a day to see how things work."

OOOKAAAYYYYY.....so it was about  a month before I brought this up with them. I couldn't keep it in any longer. So I confronted my adoptive parents about it and they told me the truth (not all of it still though, more was revealed later on).

I don't care how harsh the reality is, I wanted the truth, and I feel so betrayed by my parents. They were being protective I know, I can't blame them completely but it has ruined my relationship with them. In fact I have forgiven the man who broke my arm, I was about 5 months old when he did it. The memory that I had was me being taken from my foster carer by my present adoptive parents at between 5 and 6 months of age. I asked my mum whether this memory was in fact true and she confirmed that it happened. Babies remember.

Answer 5

I think you should start out by educating yourself on drug/alcohol addiction. Its not a "habit" its a disease as real as cancer. In many cases its far worse. There is not medicine that can make addiction go away and its multifaceted and the "will power" theory some are deluding themselves with is just that delusion.

I've had cancer and can attest that I would go through what I did over struggling with addiction, anyday.  

I worry about it coming back but I don't have people blaming me for it nor condemning it to just a "habit".  I think you as well as those not familiar with addiction should be more compassionate about her disease. The loss of her child is not helping her, maybe that's why she doesn't ask. Its a trigger that she can't fight off her disease with.  

I think you should have not be in the delivery room when she gave birth. You took away a chance for your child's mother to bond. Some states prohibit it for that reason.

I don't think your petty but just not educated correctly about his mothers disease.

Think about what you would say if she was battling cancer.

I think you should just tell him she loves him very much but she can't be with him right now because she's trying to get better.  Remember its about his feelings and not any adults.

Edit: Thanks for not being offended by my frankness. But like I said, if you can truly can get yourself to understand the disease she's suffering from you wouldn't be pointing out the crack usage or the offering of help. I think you care about her as well as the child, so please don't get me wrong.  Addiction is multifaceted in the sense it affects people emotionally, mentally, physically and in many cases genetically. Its a vicious cycle.  Hopefully, she will be able to fight the part of her disease thats preventing her from seeking help and it works for her.

Look at it like chemo. treatment.  Some people die from it, some people get cured from it, and others continue to battle cancer despite it not being effective.  Believe it or not some people just chose to let the cancer kill them without treatment because they can't emotionally deal with having it in the first place.   I hope you will be able to explain this to the child when he's old enough and able to understand.

Answer 6

You last statement says it all...your concern is for your son. So remember that! Your job is to raise him into a considerate and productive adult. I would share with him age appropriate details of his adoption story (your birthmother was unable to raise ANY child and made an adoption plan for you, and chose us to be your parents). Even if it is hard for you to talk about, it is part of his story. Be sure to help him understand (later on, when it is age appropriate to talk about the circumstances of his birth and adoption) that the choices his first mother made are **her choices** and not his.

In an ideal world, no child would ever have to leave their first parents. But our world isn't ideal, and not every adoption story has a good beginning. How old is your son now? It's a good idea to start practice talking to him about his adoption now (and practice the harder stuff with your husband or sister to be prepared for later). Making a lifebook with him (if he's old enough) can help open the doors to a discussion about his adoption and will help him understand as well. This is a great place to find info: (http://www.adoptionlifebooks.com/)

Answer 7

My mother thought it was best to lie to me and I was mad at her..still am. But i think it best to tell him the truth, the whole truth. If you don't it may eat at you. and if somehow he were to find out he'd be even more upset. He will realize he's had a better life because of you, and because you adopted him.