RE: can't stand husbands daughter?

Question

I failed to mention she is 13. I know this has a lot to do with her actions... there is a long history of her disrespect. She plays sides. I think the problem lies within my hubby the most.. I do not want her to be up here on the weekends when he works and only sees her about 2 hours or so on friday and 2 on saturday and not at all on sunday.. I am picking her up, taking her home.. I do not wish to have visitation with her.. He even says he would like to figure something else out but he doesn't have a lot of options.. He refuses to call her and talk about it.. She posts on her myspace that her dad is ignorant because he doesn't call her all the time, plus many other things. He doesn't ever tell her she needs to be more respectful, he just ignores the situation and hopes it goes away. Meanwhile she is visiting on weekends, I am doing everything with her.. He is doing nothing due to lack of time, If he doesn't want to deal with her drama, why should I?

Answer 1

Young women need their fathers and she is craving his attention, you being the adult need to swallow all the hard feelings you may have against her and maybe try to reach out ask her how she feels about all this. Then you need to really tell your husband that his daughter is straving for his attention, and it does his daughter no good that you hang out with her he needs to be there for her. If not then he will have to explain why she will not be at the house anymore.

Answer 2

I see a lot of people on here claiming that this was a packaged deal.  That's true in the sense that she is a weekend visitor, not a full time step-daughter.  If her father has weekend visitation with her, than the judge was under the impression, the child would be with her father on weekends.  It's not up to you to raise this child or entertain, discipline or put up with her disrespect.  She is basically a guest in your home, especially when her father is not there.  You wouldn't accept her type of behavior from anyone else....so why her?  Start to crack down on this.  Tell your husband, what you have said to us.  Then the two of you need to sit down with this little piece of fluff and tell her, what you expect and the consequences that will be handed out.

Answer 3

She is a child and you have to remember to be the adult.  You are her step-mom.  That gives you a chance to be someone very important in her life.  Raising children is never easy.  If I were you, I would treat her as my own.  If she is misbehaving, I would guide her to make the right decisions in life.  I would also comfort her because she has been through a tough time (parents divorcing).  She needs lots of love, affection, and guidance.  Turn your situation into something positive.

Answer 4

Why are you blaming the child when you should be blaming her father?  The child is a product of her upbringing.  You married part of what created that child.  If you say you can't stand the child then chances are you really shouldn't have married to the child's father to begin with.

Answer 5

Here's a clue. Your husband is a package deal and you knew it. And it isn't fair that you married him without liking his daughter. You should have stayed away, but since you didn't- well, now look.

Do not try to keep him from his daughter. She'll be grown all too soon and you'll probably hardly ever see her. Grin and bear it. Don't EVER talk about her. Your husband will resent you. Treat his daughter with respect and kindness (fake it till you make it) and I PROMISE she will start to do the same.

Oh and.... GROW UP.

Answer 6

I agree with smile.

He is a package deal. You knew it. Grow up.

Oh and where is the Mom in all this?

Answer 7

Plain and simple, there is no reason for her to continue visitation if her father isn't going to be there for her. Until things change, he should make an attempt to call her everyday, and see her the two hours he can on Friday. Skip the rest of the weekend. I doubt she wants to spend time with you anymore than you want to spend time with her. But really, is there nothing he can do? Can he take her to dinner sometime during the week? Can he change jobs?

Answer 8

Her "long history" of disrespect sounds like a hurting 13 year old girl who wants nothing more than some love and attention.  She is crying out for help and you want nothing more than to send her away........That is SO wrong.  You need to be facilitating a more open relationship between the two of them.......Not making matters worse.

I had a stepdaughter who was 14 years old.  She acted much the same way when her father and I got involved.....Do you want to know why???  Because she was terrified to get attached to me and afraid that I was going to hurt her father, her, and her brother by leaving them.  I got this out of her one day when we'd had a big blowup.  

She and I sat down and had a girl heart-to-heart talk, and it ended up with me becoming far more attached to my stepdaughter than her father.

You need to find some middle ground with this child and make it work.

Answer 9

Tweens are hard to deal with.  They have alot going on with their hormones and new developments.  She is going through a phase.  

It sounds like she is reaching out to her father and he per what you wrote, he doesn't seem to be trying to conect to her.  As her step mother you should be trying to help open the communication between the two of them, not shut it down.  When you married him, you knew that he came with another child and that child didn't just disapear because he remarried.  That said child is going to go through at of changes and many of them, especially as a teen girl aren't going to be the most plesant, that doesn't give you the right to say .. Well I don't want to deal with it.  I am sure when and if you have children that age and they go through the same thing, you wouldn't appreciate someone saying that they refuse to deal with it, especially someone that has that said child in their care for the weekends.

Answer 10

I think children need both parents. I grew up living with my mom and seeing my dad once a year. Not fun. It is good that she can see him even a few hours. It does not sound like fun for you, but you are the adult and setting an example in how you treat her and in how your husband treats her. You need to be a team. She plays sides because it is allowed and tolerated. You can work together with the mom also. Maybe, you can find something you and the step-daughter can do together that she doesn't get to do with her mom. The more the adults work together, the more it will benefit all of you. I would not push her aside. She needs her dad. The other thing I learned is that if you are respectful of the other adults in her life, she will see that and appreciate it one day. It is not good to bad mouth others in the relationship. Maybe, you can find the positive in her visiting or in her and build on that. Good luck. Children need positive adults in their life and maybe, you can be the one. Good luck. I hope it works out for all of you.

Answer 11

It's up to your husband to deal with this - until he does I wouldn't get sucked in the middle anymore.