RIAT Poem is this better?

Question

RIAT old mess

Rank on rank the fighting planes

Standing useless in the rain

Grounded by the leaden hand

Of the health and safety man.

Nuclear bombers Old and New

B 1B, B 52.

Tornado and Typhoon lie

Grounded not allowed to fly

Pilots, they whose work requires

Dodging Anti aircraft fire,

And then every once in a while

They're targets of a SAM missile

Veterans of Afganisan

Iraq even Vietnam.

British and American

Don't impress the safety man.

The Friday Flypast is allowed

To impress the select crowd

The Queen and other VIPs

Soaking in their finery

But main event is cancelled for

All week they suffer a downpour

And while completely safe to fly

With EU rules they don't comply

Car parks are the problem see

The rain had made them slippery

If cars get stuck in the wet earth

It's more than safety mans jobs worth

Seems that on active Airforce base

They must follow the safety case

But why not use in Fairfords place.

Privately owned Kemble airbase

Answer 1

Quite droll-- the metre trips sometimes, but having seen your other doggerel I am sure you can straighten it out if you want to.  My only complaint is that nobody really wears `finery' any more: not even most of Her Majesty's wardrobe can be described that way; I think the word confounds the contemporary tone of the poem.

Answer 2

yes that sounds alright,obviously i don't know word for word,but sometimes all it takes is a little change here and there,sometimes you can become lost in what your saying enough said,i am hoping to get the time again soon to do a bit of writing,be happy,peAce.its a passion isnt it.