Raising your baby.Am i in the wrong?

Question

Everyone has there own way of raising their children, which is fine. But when your own mother gets angry with you because you ask her not to do something example, not to give her a bath with her in it and to do it at 7pm not 6:30 because i am trying to get her on this schedule is that wrong? My daughter is 16 months and i am having anotehr child in Oct i just want my daughter to be on a schedule so when the new baby comes i can plan everything out much better. I know i am a strick parent, i do want things done a certain way but no one else seems to have a problem with it.

Am i in the wrong?

Answer 1

its one thing if you want routine but seriously you get your mom to care for her for free , as long as your mom loves her and doesnt hurt her , does it really matter what she does with her ? or how she baths her , aslong as shes clean and loved? if you dont want your mom doing things her way then pay for some one to follow your rules to a T, but no one can love your child like a grandparent, your daughter will thank you in years to come for letting her build a close relationship with her grandmother.your mother raised you, why dont u trust her to raise your child?

Answer 2

was your mum really angry or worried?

Perhaps she feels that you are too scheduled and worries which made her 'angry'

Everyone is different but do not fll out over this -great to have a mum [or anyone!!] to help out. Try talking about this with her and discuss why you do these things. Listen to her as well and then try to reach a balance between you. If bath/bed etc routines are so important to you maybe mum could help at less scheduled times - walk to park or something?

It is important that your way of rearing your child is respected and that  your needs are met. Also it is part of being a 'granny' that we mess up sometimes but the children soon learn that gran does this whilst mum does different and that is part of learning about the world around you and the older your child gets the more she will encounter different ways of doing things.

Hope it all sorts itself out soon

Answer 3

So its OK that you mother has do 'extra driving' as long as you or hubby doesnt have to? Sure its more convinent for you that way but what about your mother? In my oppinion you should be dropping your daughter off at her house and picking your daughter up just like you would have to do at a regular daycare. I'm assuming your mother watches your daughter alot because otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about her messing up the scedual so I think you should be a little more gratefull and not so picky. Bathtime with grandma isn't a big deal at that age, neither is a 630 bath instead of a 700 bath. If you are that strict and want things done your way maybe you should either watch your daughter yourself or pay someone to do the job so that you have a right to complain when its not done 100% to your expectations.

Answer 4

OK, looking at your avatar, I'd say you have some stress right now, and maybe some anger issues.

If your mother is nice enough to help out with your daughter, I think you should be a little more flexible. Whoever is giving the baths gets to decide when things happen.

I think the "giving a bath while Mom is taking a bath" is just cultural bias, and there's nothing actually wrong with it. Japanese do it all the time in the onsens -- and esp. since it's girl/girl, it should be OK. Unless your Mom has ever done anything "funny" -- then go with your experience.

Can I give you a little encouragement? The second is soooo much easier than the first. You know what you are doing! The kid is different, but you've already figured out a lot with the first one.

I would say you need to choose your battles. If you want to hire someone to come in and give baths according to your schedule, then go ahead. But talk to your mom. Listen to her reasons. If it turns out that her only reason is "I want to do it this way because that's the way I want to do it," maybe you can come to some sort of compromise -- she can take a bath with baby, but she does it at 7 p.m. (or vice versa -- she bathes the baby in a little tubby thingy at 6:30).

Congratulations on the new baby, btw!

Edit: I thought it might be a situation like this. It sounds like you are very concerned about Your Needs, but not concerned at all about your Mother's Needs. She is not getting paid to look after her granddaughter, and you will probably need her to help when the next little one comes along. So, you can not treat her like a throw-away servant! You really should be grateful . . . that doesn't mean let her do dangerous things, but do appreciate that she's giving up a big part of her day so that you can go and work.

I grew up in a German-Swedish-Czech family in the mid-west, and my grandmother told my mother in no uncertain terms that GM had already raised her kids, and she wasn't going to raise her grandkids. My mom had to stay at home until my sister started school -- then she went out and got a job.

I married into a Japanese family, and I live with my husband's family. My MIL is an angel, and everyone has helped so much with raising my kids. Some things we didn't agree on -- like giving candy to the kids. I had big fights with my grandmother-in-law about that. But in general, I am so grateful that they could help with the babies. And I was even a SAHM!

When my youngest started regular school last year, I went back to work, so I can appreciate how you need to juggle your schedule.

Maybe what you need is family counselling -- by someone who understands the VALUE of having a grandma help out. If you get some white-bread counsellor who says "you have to kick grandma out of the picture, you have to be independent!" then I think you will miss out on a very enriching experience for your child.

Good luck with it. Try and imagine how you would handle this if this wasn't your mom, but a hired babysitter. And try to show your appreciation, because it really is a precious gift to have family willing to help out.

Answer 5

Wow!  Is your mother getting paid?    Is she your servant, or is she the generous person who is  helping you and providing you with free child care?  

The advantages of having a family member care for your child is that it can be cheap or free, and you know the person, so you know what you are getting into.  The disadvantage is that your family members will take liberties that a professional would not, and the relationship is different, because you are the beneficiary of a gift of their time and services, not a customer paying for a service, so you have to balance your demands with the reality that, if you don't like what they are giving you for free, you can go pay someone to do it the way you want it.

Since your mother is caring for your children for free, it is reasonable to expect that she will make certain decisions to make it easier on HER.   It is easier FOR HER to give the bath while she's in it, so she doesn't have to bend down (which is backbreaking for an older woman.  You'lll understand when you are older).   It is easier FOR HER to care for the child in her home.  

You seem to be only concerned with yourself.  Your standards as a parent.  Your schedule.  Your convenience.  

Have you sat down to really think about your mother, about the value of what she is doing for you?   Child care for an infant costs hundreds of dollars a week.    Do a little research, and find out how much it would cost to hire someone to come into your home to care for your child.    It will open your eyes!

Your choice is to compromise on some of the details of how your want things, and accept your mother's valuable gift, and show your appreciation to your mother for what she is doing for you, or to purchase child care services, and get it exactly the way you want within the boundaries of how THEY run their business.    One way or another, unless you do it yourself, it is not always going to be done exactly the way you want it done.  

At the end of the day, this is your child to care for, not your mother's.  You mother does not have to care for your child one minute of one day.  She does not have to give her a bath, or care for her in your home, or in hers.    She does it as a gift to you and to her grandchild, and you should take the time every day to thank her for it.

Answer 6

No I don't think your wrong .It is better to have your daughter on a schedule so when  your other child come it will be a lot smoother. I know a lady didn't put her kids on a schedule and she has a lot of problems so I say you are doing the right thing. Just try to  be calm and explain your reasons to your mom.Good Luck!

Answer 7

I wouldn't think so. I mean simple things like waiting to give a bath shouldn't be that difficult, it's good to have children on a schedule because it shows them consistency and they tend to be more well behaved.

I would suggest just talking to her and telling her your concerns and that you would appreciate her following your schedule.

Answer 8

Your not wrong......But you know how grandparents are......

Answer 9

no. your in the right. su mama es latina? if so thats why shes so difficult!! tu sabes como they are!! good luck con todo. and do what you do you know best on how to raise your children!

Answer 10

its your child and your time to be the mommy

Answer 11

I don't think you are in the wrong. Your children are getting raised the way you want them to, and that is perfectly normal.

Answer 12

its your kid...your choice!!!   your the boss!

Answer 13

2 control freaks buttin heads.

Answer 14

I really suggest you hire someone you pay to listen to your wishes.  Is your mother watching your child out of the kindness of her heart?  Grandparents are not automatic babysitters and maybe this is just not working out for the 2 of you.

Answer 15

Of course not. Its your child. If you want a routine, then do it. My family used to tease me horribly about my routine (dinner is a VERY set time and my kids have the same bedtime year-round). It works great for my family. Its not always easy to stand up to a parent, but it needs to be done. When they get over being upset, they'll hopefully back off a bit and stop being so pushy. your having a child not only turned you into a parent, but her into a grandparent. Its a new role to learn and she needs her limits and rules defined by you.

Answer 16

You are absolutely right on having it your way..

So does your mother..

Why? Try to wear her 'shoes', she loves you & your baby so much (indeed, thats why she's willing to take care of your baby)... She's a grandmother & a care taker.. Try to look at it from another perspective..  You have a trustable nanny, your baby gets lots of love.. Wow... you are so lucky!!

Baby is smart & they can sense your feelings & learn from it.. By work it out about anything ; wisely, with your mom (eq. time schedule).. You also teach the baby to socialize.. Bend it a little won't hurt you.. you will feel less stressful & you'll make everyone happy.. (especially yourself). It would help you through the hardest time of postpartum..

Years from now, you would be greatful to have raise a kid with such high EQ & SQ... Which is the recipes of happiness. Because he/she will survive happilly in life..

Answer 17

sounds like your mother is butting heads w/ you...however, if she is going to help you then you may need to be less demanding on how its done...otherwise..do it yourself at the exact time you wish....My opinion is to lighten up a bit and enjoy this time...there is no exact schedule that will be "the answer" to all your problems. The next one can come along and throw the whole schedule outta the water. I am also a pretty strict parent (some would say VERY he he) but I aim for a flexible schedule that is adhered to but has room for a bit of variance...really 6:30 vs 7:00 sounds like butting heads w/ mom and visa verse. Except her help graciously..trust me my closest family is 16 hours away and me and hubby do it all by ourselves everyday...

Answer 18

You're in the middle on this one...

This is your child and you can raise her in anyway that you choose so your mom should respect that.  If you don't want grandma to get in the bath with your daughter, she should respect that but the time is a bit strict.  I would completely understand if there was a couple of hours in difference but 30 minutes is a bit much.  No matter how much you want to plan everything, things happen and something could have happened that she was off by 30 minutes.  You should know that there are many things that can happen that you didn't plan for, such as traffic while going to work that makes you late a little.  If you asked your mom to bathe your daughter at 7 and she didn't till 10, then you can definitely bring that up but 30 minutes is too strict.  I also understand that you want to put your daughter on a schedule so that you can plan everything out but you also have to give a bit of leeway time for those unexpected things too.  Good luck to you!