Random EDITED poem...NOW what do you guys think?

Question

Ok I posted this before unedited but I have done some editing only some (I am terrible at editing) and here it is. I'm 13 and haven't been doing poetry long so take a moment right now to lower your expectations. =D Woooooooh! *clears throat* sorry hyper...

It terrifies me where I am

But it intrigues me when I am

skulking the way it does

It's the monster under my bed

It's the missing page of a book

It’s the little thing I can’t ignore

It’s my minds occupant

It's what keeps me up at night

And what confines me to these bedroom walls

It's that second shadow always by my side

don't know about the where/when I am part

Or the moster under my bed. That part sounds a little cheezy does it to you?

Answer 1

Hmmm, editing is always a tricky thing...what to keep, what to change?  Here is your first version:

It terrifies and intrigues me (better than the revised lines)

skulcing the way it does

It's the monster under the bed

It's the missing page of a book

(The addition of "it's the little thing I can't ignore is good, but

the addition of "my minds (should be "mind's") little occupant actually takes away from your original version)

It's what keeps me up at night

And what confides me to these bedroom walls

(I much prefer "confides" as it implies intelligence, sentience, but if you really want to use "confines", then it should be "within" these bedroom walls, not "to these bedroom walls)

It's the second shadow always by my side

So...I'd say the addition of "the little thing" is good, the addition of "mind's occupant" is not good, and the decision to use "confines" reduces the depth of implication that could be had by using "confides".  The where/when part at the beginning...I'd stick with the original single line and not use the two lines that replaced it.

...keep editing, keep writing

Answer 2

I really think it sounds better this way,  

Make your last verses

It's that second shadow always by my side

And what confines me to these bedroom walls

Really nice poem I really liked it! Good job!!

Answer 3

I actually don't think that it sounds cheesy!  I, myself write poetry too and i think that you have talent!  It probably doesn't mean much coming from an amateur writer but i think it's good and really does have a deeper meaning. Hope I helped! xoxo maddie

Answer 4

I Really like it, It's good.

And I like that you make the guess,

It's super