Rapper/Song writer no freestyler, trying to get signed. Tell me if this verse i made for Hero is good ?

Question

iVerse 1: (S.K.I.P) parents mad cuz im the hero of rapping, but according to their kid’s im whats good im whats happening. In the cars my music is blasting, look in my eyes don’t u see the passion. I don’t gotta talk bout cars nd fashion, or my ice is so bright, homie dats right, my rhymes are just like poems so let me recite, listen to my flow my haters its so nice, similar to Nas cuz all I need is one mic, I aint gonna lie da mic is like my wife, my metaphors I consider them my life, passin by haters like im riding a dirt bike, ballin till fallin with an attitude like mike, I have a winning attitude so call me Mr. Jordan, but when I get greedy I start losing like Portland, But then im back to the top like Boston.

Answer 1

Eh, it's okay.

I'd work on making it more smooth, and just letting it flow.

In the line:

my rhymes are just like poems so let me recite

I'd make the end rhyme with -assion so that you don't just go from one rhyme to randomly another rhyme, but that's just my opinion.

Answer 2

My first impression would be that your not nearly good enough to get signed. Your rhyme style is kinda basic, but you do fit in a few metaphors to show your depth, but some of your metaphors seem juvenile and wack to be honest. Your rhymes alone don't make or break you, if you can deliver your rhymes correctly and in a way that makes people want to listen to you, then you could appear to be much better than you actually are. From reading what you wrote so far its obvious that your new to the game, and to be real with you, your chances of making it big seem very slim from this. Your rhymes don't really flow either, at least not when read, mainly because you don't have real "bars" but thats not your biggest problem. Just remember that the best song, cd's, and albums are usually created by people with the "best" life experiences, so use your life experiences as fuel for your writing and then alter your delivery and syntax/diction to grab attention or to show your skill. Also try varying the way you write, like sometimes you could try writing to beats you hear, or just create some  beat in your mind to write to. And listen to alot of rap, not just new stuff, and draw inspiration from that...thats pretty much sums up what i have to say after reading your rhyme.