Rate/comment my poem please?

Question

so this is just a START and if you see ANY spelling mistake please tell me and don't think you will be mean by saying it sucks i want anyone that gives it a comment to be honest with me, I PROMISE every person i will not get mad AS LONG AS YOU ARE HONEST WITH ME! :]

Busy With Life

From one place to another

It seems we are always busy, just like a mother.

Each time I try to stop you

You always seem to be busy or “have no time too.”

Well if you only knew that I cherish who you are.

How your eyes are just so s**y, it’s so hard

To get a hold of you. That face seems to be touched by angels.

I just love how you always make me smile

You always turn that frown upside down even for a while.

Even though you don’t talk to me. When you talk to me and say

“oh I’m sorry I’m busy right now” my heart becomes wild,

Beating twice as fast I can’t control this adrenaline.

You are my daily dose of happiness and love.

Oh how I would love to get a hold of you.

But life just isn’t fair for two.

I don’t have a perfect little world but it seems you do.

If I ever get that chance to tell you how I feel for you

This is how it will go:

“ I promise I’ll be my very best,

I’ll stop the world for you, I’ll go in any quest.

I’ll catch you a star or two just for fun,

And while I’m at it I’ll even make you one.

If you are sick I’ll care for you,

Even if it means not going to school for a day or two.

My love for you it’s unmistakable, I have so much passion.

If you love to shop I’ll be your number one fashion.

If you love TV shows or reality TV,

I’ll make sure you are up to date, you can count on me.

You can be my world and I can be your boo,

And I’ll make sure you get the chance,

To hear that I love you.”

©Erick Gonzalez

Answer 1

I am sorry dude, but I hate this slab of words.

Your style just has no flow.

When you receive criticism I know it hurts,

but this is just how its got to go.

The line, "Just like a mother,"stood out like a clump of c**p.

Why?

1. Girls don't like being compared to mothers.

2. It was severely abrupt.

Your next few lines made me gag for saliva?

Why?

1. They were a mouth-full.

2. Need something to get the taste of dislike from out of taste buds.

"It's so hard," is an awful place to end a line.

Why?

1. Can mean something sexual, read by a person who does not understand how its and it's works.

2. You have a comma where a new sentence should be.

Favorite line -

"That (?Your?) face seems (<not the best word here) *to be* (not needed) touched by angels."

Why?

1. It may be cliched, but I've seen that appearence, and think it can be recognized over and over, and never grow dull.

The next two lines have one of the worst stressed ryhmes I have ever read, besides "Just like a mother."

Its all freaking horrible. You.... need to..... read a lot more poetry. (As do I)

Answer 2

Oh don't say that - it's not for anyone...Someone was the inspiration & I loved it !!!!  Ok, I'm no expert but I edited it according to my grammatical level. You may choose to disregard my adjustments, but I really did enjoy reading it-the feelings definitely come through even with those few errors, it's really sweet in its raw beauty. Definitely keep writing !!!

Busy With Life

From one place to another

we are always busy

Just like a mother

each time I try to stop you

you always seem busy

Or “have no time” either

If you only knew

How I cherish, who you are

how your eyes, are just so s**y

It’s so hard, to get a hold of you

That face seems touched by angels

I just love how you always make me smile

how you always turn that frown, upside down

Even if it is, just for a while

Even though you don’t

Talk to me

When you say to me

“Oh I’m sorry, I’m busy”

My heart becomes wild

Beating twice as fast

I can’t control this adrenaline

you are my daily dose

Of happiness and love

Oh how I would love to hold you

but life just isn’t fair, for two

I don’t have a perfect little world

As it seems you do

If I ever get that chance

To tell you

Just how I feel

This is how it will go:

“ I promise I will be

My very best

I will stop the world for you

Enter any quest

I will catch you a star

Or two, just for fun

and while I’m at it, I’ll even

Make you one

if you are sick, I will care for you

Even if it means missing school

for a day or two

my love for you, it’s unmistakable

I have so much passion!

If you love to shop

I’ll be your number one fashion

if you love TV shows, Or reality TV

I’ll make sure you’re up to date, you can count on me

you can be my world, and I can be your boo

and I’ll make sure you get the chance

To hear that I love you”

©Erick Gonzalez

Answer 3

Firstly, I like the poem itself. But . . .

Your rhythm is off, your rhymes are horrible, it's really cliche, and you should never, ever say 'this is how it will go.'

If you're trying to hold onto a serious, romantic mood, don't use s**y- it threw me off a bit. Try gorgeous, beautiful, enchanting.

Also, you compared yourself to a mother. You compared whoever you are writing about to a mother, as well, and if she doesn't have kids you might be coming off a little strong.

Answer 4

It made me smile and feel good. It's cute. Check your spelling. Of course I'm not the best speller in the world and I make mistakes too but keep working on it. It's a nice poem.