Rate my poem? (feel free to critize)?

Question

A phone call one late night

Asking me to be in his sight

A blush of red, and a mumbled yes

Spitting out more words than the Gettysburg Address

He takes me by the hand

And I get lost in a dreamland

A first tender kiss

Sending me to ignorant bliss

A light breaking us up

It's my father and his gun

I guess my date would be done

Answer 1

i think its good on the surface apart from a couple words i would change..but.. poems arent about surface if u get my meaning. u kinda have 2 go deeper and put some emotion and feeling into it.

Answer 2

Not all poems need to rhyme.

If you are going for a sonnet type structure you need to work on the syllable count

The last line is lame... and the subject matter is a bit cliche.

Answer 3

I have to agree that the fourth line doesn't seem to fit, but overall, it's pretty good.  I've read worse written by famous poets.

Doc

Answer 4

LOL  I guess that would be enough to end a date!!  I like your poem shows real life type of incidents, you penned it well!! Cheers !!

Answer 5

Sardonically humorous. I don't really like the fourth line though, it's a little corny compared to the rest of the poem.

Answer 6

4th line isnt good at all, it takes away from a pretty cute poem

Its cliche but fun as well, not sure how poetic I would say it was

The rhyme scheme is excessive and off in a few parts