Question:

Rate my rewrite please

by  |  earlier

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Another user posted a poem that he wanted rated, and I decided to try my hand at rewriting it.

Original work: http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=At2MjirXhwvb3zvcW_FMd0nsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20080811195056AApFT9L&show=7#profile-info-r35Ndgenaa

Rewrite:

As thoughts of you cross my mind

I feel overjoyed, carefree

LIke wild horses memories of you race

The clock slowely ticks

the calender pages flip

My mind wants to scream

Tell you how I feel

You are perfect,

you had it, everything,

everything, but for what I wanted you to have

Love, love for me

Like a child and his balloon

Only to have it float away into the noonday sun

Memories of you, memories of us

I hold onto, only to wonder,

Do you rember them too?

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3 ANSWERS


  1. wow i thought it was really good!  

    My favorite line was "Like wild horses memories of you race"  

    I don't even know why.  It just stands out to me and I can see it perfectly.  haha that probably doesn't even make sense to you.  Anywho, I thought that line was quite brilliant. And I also loved the simile of the two peoples love floating away like the child and his balloon.  

    I'd give it 5/5!


  2. its cool and different cuz it doesnt ryme much like da other one but its nice! :D

  3. It's definitely an improvement on the original!

    Please read mine too :D

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
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