Rate this one too please?

Question

I need to remind you that english is not my native language so please excuse the mistakes that may exist here!

it would be nice to know your opinion!

Moonlght Mermaid

Shadows created by the moon

in the night when nature sleeps

some flowers under the stars bloom

and a song's coming out of a mermaid's lips

A fisherman under the stars lies

but sleep doesn't come, he can't close his eyes

So he counts the stars falling in his boat

He's not very far from the shore

Out of the calm and peacefull water

comes out she, the moonlight's daughter

with her blue eyes and silver hair

she's bathing pouring water from a shell

And when he sees her, he takes off his clothes

jumps in the water, swims to her close

and grabs the shell from her hands

she gets angry, to shout she starts

"I'll give it back if you pay with a kiss"

but he hadn't imagine the sweet taste of her lips

She takes the shell and turns to leave

but "one more kiss you'll have to give"

And when she does he holds her tight

and he pulls her closer, passion can't hide

He feels his chest touching hers

over the moonlight dress

And she is charmed by his strength

the heat of his breath on her neck

She feels something unsaid before

He thinks he found what he's been searching for

But when the first light of the sun appears

the moonlight's daughter disappears

but he still has the shell in his hand

a promise that at night she"ll come back...

would you like to correct sth?

Answer 1

I like it just the way you wrote it

I hope someone with better Poetic Education Ability will respond to  your question as to how to correct. I write only for the pleasure which I feel when doing so, with a strong command of the English Language, and ability to slauhgter.

However, I never studied poetry at great length.

Thanks for sharing

Answer 2

Shadows created by the moon

in the night when nature sleeps

while flowers bloom under the stars

and a song flows from a mermaid's lips

So he counts the stars falling in his boat  (really nice wording here)

as he drifts closer to the shore

Out of the calm and peace full water

appears the moonlight's daughter

with eyes of  blue eyes and silver hair

she's bathing pouring water from a shell  (I don't like this line) Perhaps

she's pouring water from a shell

NOW TAKE A LOOK AT THE REST OF YOUR POEM AND SEE WHAT ELSE YOU CAN REVISE.

You  have an excellent draft. Remember, a piece of writing is never really done.  Keep working on it.

Answer 3

Yay it rhymes! Thats good. It does make sense.

I feel poems going through my body! lol

No change.