Rather than adopt, would it be better to take in a young mom who doesn't have any options?

Question

I've been to quite a few adoption web sites lately and several them are more anti-adoption than pro-adoption. These sites acknowledge that adoption is right for a select few, but they say it ruins a lot of lives. The sites say that many young, confused moms are conned out their children with promises of visits that never happen, or they are told they can take their child back if they change their mind later but the agency and adopting parents don't live up to the promises. The young mothers are also apparently told that they will go on with life and forget about their babies, but many seemed to be scarred for life. I read letter after letter from bio moms who had no idea what they were getting into and agonize about their kids every day.

My question is, instead of adopting, maybe I could take in a young mom that wants to keep her baby but doesn't have any other options and help her get on her feet, her and her baby.

What do you all think? Is this feasible?

Answer 1

We have done this....  We own rental property and several times have given housing to families in need... We also offer nice 3-bedroom homes for families under section-8 housing....

My niece is pregnant--we have her in a home, purchased all the baby stuff and will be sure her needs are met....

We usually see great results by offering support where we can to families in need.... However we have been surprised that sometimes even a free home, utilities and support from WIC--Food Stamps and other resuourced don't always provide enough for families to make it...Especially when there is a substance abuse or mental health situation.

We have one single mother with two children end up in the hospital on life support due to an overdose... the children were taken into Foster Care and we worked with the state to locate the Grandparents....

Once years ago when we had an apartment complext we had one young mom we got all settled in and several months later she vanished leaving her baby and about 16 other people inside the apartment... it was sad because once we got the 16 strangers out the baby was starving half to death and hadn't been taken care of in Lord knows how long....

Another time we were at one of the houses and my husband witnessed abuse and ended up in court testifying about what he witnessed....

I think that some parents will do well when given a chance.... Right now I have some help from a young single mom at my house with some work I can't do because of my back injury and I make sure she has food, diapers and all the things she needs including transportation... I never mind helping out someone who needs help.

The sad fact is that even with help some mothers are not able to care for their children--some are not able to give up drugs--or go to work....

And...other moms make an adoption plan for their own reasons that no one should judge them for. I believe that a woman still has a choice on this point...

I know that some people believe that is NOT fair to the child--but, my parents were not fair to me when they decided to get married and keep me when they were only 16 so.... I respect and understand how the children feel but, life sometimes stinks so I don't believe that a mother or parents should have no options if they believe they are not ready to parent.

Answer 2

Yes, that's exactly how we should think in this country. Help those who want to keep their baby, but have come upon some temporary hard times.

That's what I hope to do down the road when I am finished with school and am in a better position to help a pregnant mother. My husband knows this is my dream and he's agreed to it.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

that sounds like a great idea.... kind of like back when they had homes for young mothers but only this time trying to help them get on their feet...... though you would have to watch out for the times when a girl might have an abusive guy that she needs to get away from or any abusive past she needs therapy for.......

Answer 4

You said "Rather than adoption", does this mean you can keep yourself detached enough to let the young woman and her child go when it's time? I think it's a great idea if you can stay distanced. One day she will be able to get out on her own with her child. Where does this leave you in regard to having a baby around the house? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to understand. You originally wanted to adopt right? Do you plan to take in others after they get on their feet or were you expecting them to stay and become part of your family? Either one would be great but you would have no legal claim to any children.

Answer 5

i think you aer brilliant!  and i wish more people would think this way instead of feeling the need to snatch a baby.

Answer 6

That is a great idea. If you can support her and a child financially and emotionally, that would not only make your life brighter, it would make hers brighter also.

Many young, expecting mothers are scared, and their parents refuse to help. I am 19, and due in August. I don't know where I would be right now if I didn't have understand, supportive parents.

You could be someone's saving grace. A motherly figure to a young, scared, expecting girl would be the ulitimate gift.  And when the baby is born, you will be nana! :)  That's just as exciting as mama.

God bless you!

-Britt

Answer 7

I think that's a great idea.  Feasible?  I'm sure it is.

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Oh, come on anastasia... very uncalled for.

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Amber, I agree with you.

Answer 8

If someone wants to open up their home to a young mother or pregnant woman, I think that’s fine. However I also don’t think it should replace adoption because there are babies/children that do need it.  Now for a mother who wants to keep her baby but just needs some help for several months or a couple of years. I think  it’s a good idea.  

However if you still wanted to adopt you could just find a baby / child that truly needs it. Adopt from foster care or adopt a baby that has  already been completely surrendered for whatever reason.

Answer 9

Actually this is an awesome idea- if you have to money to care for the mother and her baby. However I don't think this should be done in the place of adoption.  I am very thankful for my birth mom, and the birth moms of both of our adopted children-  however I don't think they would have expected me to house them until they were ready to parent.  Great idea in some cases though- great question too

Answer 10

That sound good. Just make sure you do a background check. I think its a good idea.

Answer 11

wow well that sounds great

but do you want a kid? or just to help out?

Answer 12

you sound like a wonderful person with a big heart and a great idea!!!

Kinda like a foster mom to pregnant teens....

It's an awesome idea....

but yeah u should do like a criminal check to make sure you dont get things stolen from you or whatever...

And my only fear is ur going to get attached to her baby and be heart broken when she moves on.....

but it is a wonderful idea!!!

Answer 13

It is  a nice idea and maybe i can do that some day. Right now my wife and i want another child and not help someone keep theirs.  One we have space for a child because they will share a room with our daughter and no space for a young mom.  I don't think one is better than the other it depends on what you want

Answer 14

Yes, its feasible. YES.

What do I think? I wish more people put the children first like you're doing!

Answer 15

In fact, many of the baby scoop era adoption mills run by churches have had a change of heart about running adoption homes.  They have converted to services to support low income parents and teen mothers.  They provide housing, day care, education, and job training.  The primary purpose is family preservation rather than ripping families apart via adoption.  Adoption is extremely rare and only used to provide for a child when all else fails.  They also no longer provide adoption services to adoptive parents.  If anyone were to dare label their residents "birthmothers" they would get a sound beat-down.  The mothers are EXPECTED to parent their child not give them away.

My husband and I provide support for such a residence in our area.  Their success rate is outstanding.

Answer 16

The desire is admirable.

However, there are many problems you will be facing.  First off, you would basically be adopting 2 people.  And as one of them is older they may not share your beliefs, practices etc.

What happens if you and your young mom have a falling out over the child?  What happens then.

Its a good idea, but I think that if you want to do something like that, make sure you have the plan all laid out.

Think this one through a bit more.

Nice idea however.

Answer 17

that would be awesome

Answer 18

How about getting a foster care license to help out kids that have drug addicted mothers, abusive parents, etc? There is more of a need for those services. There is always such a shortage of good foster homes.

I would rather see a child be adopted by loving parents that being stuck with a mom that can't properly care for them.

Answer 19

That sounds like such a good idea!  I wish more people could think like you =)

Answer 20

I think that is a great idea. If you really want to adopt however, don't let those sites scare you. Check with reputable adoption agencies in your area. I gave a child up for adoption and knew full well what I was getting into. And no, of course I have never forgotten about her. I love her very much which is why I gave her up so she could have a better life than I could give her at the time. I was young and already had a child but that's a whole long story! You could also look into doing foster care. And for that comment about "snatching" a baby, any good adoption agency makes the birth moms aware of what will happen. Good luck!!

Answer 21

I think this is noble of you, but not for everyone.  I was a foster parent and my job was helping families.  As a PAP I am in this to adopt.  I would never ask another woman to give her child up, but if she has of her own will or (more likely as we are adopting from foster care) her rights have been taken away due to neglect or abuse we are there for those children.  We will meet the needs of the children to have a family, and frankly our needs of being parents will be met as well.  

So it is a good idea, and if you can then go for it.

Answer 22

I'm in a similar situation. My family is taking care of a 16 yo girl who is pregnant and who got kicked out of her house. However, we feel our role in this whole thing is to take care of her through the pregnancy, support any decision she makes, and be a friend to her once the baby is born. We don't feel it is our role to take care of her and the baby once he is born. This is for many reasons. We might be moving far away, financially we can't afford it, and it would be too stressful on my family. It was a big leap of faith to take in this girl we did not know who we were set up with through mutual people. I'm proud of my family for even doing this.

It takes a very special family and very special circumstances to take in a pregnant woman and her baby for several months/years until she gets back on her feet. I think it's a good idea if it works for your family. My husband loves helping out this girl and has done wonderful with her as a somewhat father figure. However, I don't think it would make him very happy to have a teenager and an infant live with us for several years. You should check with your husband as well. Maybe it would work with your family and that would be great but it isn't for everybody.

Answer 23

Your a wonderful human being, i thank god for people like you, You make a difference to the mother and unborn baby, cuddos to you.

I wish you the best of luck!!!!!

Answer 24

Sure it's feasible but most people only want her BAYBEEEE - gimmee your baby and move on seems to be how things work in the adoption business, excepting the few and far between wonderful adoptive parents of course, so don't anyone jump on the defensive

Many of the young women who come to our organization for help and support would have lost their children to adoption, had they lived in the USA (thank goodness they don't!) it's so sad, sometimes all they need is a leg up and some short term support and they are darned good moms

The american practice of declaring unmarried, young, or financially struggling women not fit to parent is just so disgusting I don't even have the words for it

Answer 25

Definitely feasible!  Great idea. I hope it works out for you and all involved!

Answer 26

you sound like an absolutly wonderful person. I think that is great, it makes me want to cry to think you care enough about another person in this world and not only yourself. Bravo to you and remember who you are.

Answer 27

That  is a question from an Angel.  Wow, what a great idea.  I think it would be the best answer if you are able to do that.  If you can help and she would continue to be a part of her child's life it might even turn out that she would wish to live a life without all the responsibilities, and have you adopt in the long term.  This should be feasible for sure.

Answer 28

I think that would be a FABULOUS idea!  How great would that be???  I've been thinking the same thing lately.  We'll see where our path leads us (we don't know anyone in crisis pregnancy right now).  But I think it's a great idea.

Answer 29

This is how all adoption agencies started.  And some still provde this service.  It is called "sheperding"  or "shepherd homes".  It was felt that this put pressure on some women to place, as well as being a conflict of interest for some families.  In addition, it was a risk for families as the world changed and violence and drug addiction became more prevalent.  Then "maternity homes" were utilized more, but were criticized for being impersonal.  Some still exist.  Then agencies began to provide "client apartments" for those clients who needed housing.  Many agencies could not keep these apartments furnished or in repair, as some clients would rip off anything that wasn't nailed down, and trash the apartment.  Now, most agencies just provide financial assistance for a birthmother to continue to live where she is currently living.  Or, they will, with risk, provide temporary housing in a hotel chain suite.  Keep in mind that not all birthmothers are sweet young teens who are confused and just need someone to support them.  Some are criminals, addicts, some live on the streets and some are cons -- just like the rest of the world.   Some agencies help clients get an apartment, and some help a client get into a shelter if she is homeless.  In terms of financial help, agencies cannot change the clients life, just help her short term to get a stable, safe living situation and meet her basic needs.

Providing sheperding homes for birthmothers considering adoption is a generous and caring way to support adoption.  I have done this with 8 birthmothers myself (some placed and some parented) and have fostered 24-26 children (many of whom were not placed) while mothers considered adoption.  An agency I know has housed over 100 women and children in their own home in the course of adoption consideration.  They eventually had to start  a foster home, free to any women considering adoption, but then had to close it due to the relentless upkeep.

I certainly applaud you for considering this.  Call local agencies and offer your services.  See what happens.  You can make a difference.  Good luck!

Answer 30

that's a good idea..but how would you go about doing that..gives us all an idea..or for the ones that care anyway...about making a difference and kepping mothers and babies together

Answer 31

yes - that is a really good idea. i never thought of anything like that.