Read and HELP plz, it's about my series.?

Question

Does this sound toomuch like Twilight, or like any other book.

Does it sound bad

How would you change it

Plz, give me tips

“W-who is that?” I asked my new friend Destiny. She looked across to the other table near us at the lunchroom.

“Which one, there is Dustyn, Brad, which you met already, Grey, Charlie, Aaron, Daniel, Desmond, my twin brother, or Alex?”

“The one with the brown hair, the one that has the cute brown eyes and the award winning smile,” I started to daze into him when Destiny said something.

“What did you say Destiny?”

“I said ‘Oh Dustyn’ he is cute, but he doesn’t date. He is a loner.” The way she said that, it sounded like he rejected many girls before I came here. He looked over to me and my heart skipped a beat. I bit my lip hoping that my smile wouldn’t be seen. I never felt this before it was weird; his body reminded me of a god.

A stud to say the least; his brown eyes were amber in a flame and warmed me in this cold place. Even though he was not as muscular as Brad; His face was very kind hearted, I guess. His hair was a luscious chocolate color, and had a slight auburn red touch to it, even though there was no sun, every time I saw him, my heart went berserk. I glanced at him again and I heard Destiny say,

“Why? Do you like him?” I whipped back so quickly I spilt my soda on Morgan she screamed and ran to the bathroom. I was going to help, but Destiny said it would just make it worse. Then I glanced again at him, his face was turned away, but I thought his cheeks appeared lifted as if he were smiling. Then I felt my cheeks redden I was so clumsy. Then Destiny said,

“Let’s go see them.”

“I-i don’t know, I t-think he’s laughing at me.”

“Nonsense” She picked me up and we went to the table.

© 2008

and i can't think of a good name for my main character, something old, gothic, but nice and shy.

Give me any help you can think would work, thanks

Answer 1

yes i didnt read the top and i can tell u read twilight sorry hun.

also for the names i think it should be Hero its a shakespear character  

Answer 2

Sorry, dear. It sounds just like Twilight. You could have copied parts of it word-for-word for all I know.

I could certainly use a bit of work, this part. With grammar, sentence structure and plot. Again, I'm sorry, but it's true.

Maybe the rest of the story is great, but this particular section is copied. If the rest is original, write an outline and work on those parts, so that you can come back to this and make it your own.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Answer 3

it sounds alot like twilight except the names are g*y  

Answer 4

why are you copying stephenie meyer?!

shame on you.

go pick a new topic/plot to write about.

plus, its hard to read when you have everything a big ol paragraph. and dont do the "T-think" think too much.

no one stammers that much. and it gets snnoying.

Answer 5

it sounds good and if it got published i would read it BUT it sounds almost exactly like twilight's second chapter when bella is talking to jessica about edward and the cullens