Read and comment if you please!?

Question

I did this while in my econ class. I had finished all of my work early so my teacher let me do whatever. I made this up out of no where. Please tell me what you think.

Brandishing his crystal, Samuel beckoned the power that was deep within him. He aimed it at Benjamin. He released his power through the glass stone. There was a rushing sound. The blast slammed into a barrier of air in front of Benjamin.

Benjamin smiled. He let out a light cackle that annoyed Samuel beyond words. With amazing speed, Benjamin released a blast of his power through a similar stone necklace. The blast of red light bounced off the crystal necklace hanging below Samuel’s head. It exploded with a bang on the hard wall of the dark dungeon. There was a shower of crimson sparks that fell from the impact of the red bolt of light.

Samuel focused his powers through the crystal medallion. There was a rushing sound that seemed distant yet rapidly approaching. Suddenly, there was a crack and a rush, Benjamin’s shield shattered. Benjamin was starting to conjure another when Samuel shot out a thin zip of blue lightning. It snagged onto Benjamin’s chest. He fell back and his shield warped into nothingness.

Samuel took this advantage. He summoned forth a blast of power. There was a bang and a ripple of blue light that zoomed through the once dark room and overcame Benjamin. It lowered his stamina. Samuel leaned forward and sighed. He brought up his head to see that the blue light was spinning around in circles. It seemed to spiral around Benjamin as he slowly stood. His medallion was glowing madly.

He shouted as the blue turned to red and then from light to flames. It sent a tidal wave of fire at Samuel. He brought his hands up and channeled his power as quickly as he could. He didn’t make the air dense as a shield but instead he thinned it and it sucked away the embers of orange light.

Answer 1

very nice but your sentences are too short, try combining(sp) a few of them

Answer 2

The concept seems like fun...but the sentence structure leaves something to be desired.  Every single sentence you right has the same rhythm and syntax.  Play with combining longer sentences with shorter ones for more drama...you also use TONS of passive language.  ex. "There was a shower of crimson sparks."  Instead try: "Crimson sparks showered..."  Doing this gives the story a more active feel.  This is especially important given that it is an action scene.

Hope that helps!

: D

Answer 3

Pretty good.  I agree with the response before me that the sentences are too short. Not sure why you are asking , if you want to write a short story / book, then I would like to give you some creative criticism.  There seems to be  a lot of action with no thoughts from the 2 characters.  I would include the thoughts that are going through their head at some of the major action points re:  Benjamin's shield shattered.  Here is just an example for you to know what I mean.  As Benjamin's shield shattered so did his thoughts of Elizabeth, will he ever see her again ?  

What do you think ?  

Answer 4

It's pretty interesting. Good work!

It's got great details but I do agree that you need to combine sentences.

Ex:

Instead of

"It exploded with a bang on the hard wall of the dark dungeon. There was a shower of crimson sparks that fell from the impact of the red bolt of light"

Try combining the two sentences.

It exploded with a bang on the hard wall of the dark dungeon, showering crimson sparks from the impact of the red bolt of light'

And you really, really, really shouldn't put your personal work on here if it isn't copyrighted. Anyone could easily take it, and legally too.