Read and fix my poem?

Question

its not much of a poem, could some people take it and turn it into one for me? i just wrote it in study hall, i wasnt worrying about it being a poem at the time, if u could just change it up a lil bit that would rock!::

People around me are talking and i cant even hear them anymore. They never stop its just a blur. Telling me to smile and be happy, i cant. My friends say i look out of it, i am. my mind is somewere else. I cant be myself around. Cuz thats not who they want to see. Nobody accepts it when im me. They want some one who loves sunshine and rainbows, im not. I like the dark and my world is my stereo. I have to peace through the pain. I make myselp feel better in ways they cant understand. Understand id rather feel pain than love. its cuz its all ive ever known. It scares me to be close to some one. Ive been hurt since i was 6. had no one there to protect me. ive been on my own. only one person knows my past. she still dont know the half of it. my best friends tries to be there for me but she knows she cant relate. shes still my girl and ill tell her anyway. they want me to be happy. even gave me pills. nothing can fix me. ill still be broken. just listen and care. thats all i ask. dont treat me like im crazy.

multiple answers will be great. i know its kind of depressing but its what i was feeling when i wrote it.

Answer 1

People talking  

They never stop

It's just a blur

"Smile and be happy"

I can't

"You look look out of it"

I am

My thoughts are elsewhere.

I'm not myself

And I'm not who they want me to be

Nobody accepts it when I'm me

They want someone who loves sunshine and rainbows



I like the dark

My stereo

Peace through pain

I make myself feel better in ways they can't understand

Pain is not love

But it's all I've ever known

It scares me to be close

And I've been hurting since six

No one there to protect me

A secret past even to my closest friends

And the one I've told doesn't know the half of it

My best friends try to be there for me

But can't relate.

"Be happy"

Give me pills

But that's not my fix

I'm still broken

Just listen and care

Please don't treat me like I'm crazy

Answer 2

You just have to add some kind of rhythm to it--a cadence. I'm already "feeling" it. Also filter out the "other stuff" so that the poem is more focused. It has potential. But good luck with your real life situation.

Since we're on the topic of depression poems:

http://rlexperiment.blogspot.com/2008/08...

Answer 3

Technically, that is not a poem. It's a rant. I don't know what your problem is, but time heals ALL (TRUST me!). Seek solace in the rest of the world, help people, make a difference and you will see how much your writing improves! These are typical, mundane things you talk about. Poetry is about taking the ordinary OR something outside the box and crafting it into concise, obtuse lines. I would recommend checking out some of Leonard Cohen's poetry. He uses simple wording, all you have to have is a sage mind and good carpentry. Good luck.

Answer 4

I don't feel there is really anything wrong with this poem. :) It's your style, it will continue to evolve and get better. You think I just pulled a poem like the one you read of mine out of nowhere my first try? Of course not, it was the culmination of a few years practice and many many poems thrown out. You might try writing some and taking them into an English teacher you like. That's what I always did. They're very good at giving critiques to help you find your strengths. Whatever you do, keep writing them! If for nothing more than to get the thoughts out of your head.

Answer 5

Kill yourself. -_-