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Read and tell me what you think, plz??

by  |  earlier

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Okay, now i know it has it's kinks, clearly when i read it over, and i promise it will all b fixed later. and when i copied and pasted it, the pre set paragraphs were deleted.

Elita trudged through the city streets miserably. She had lost her job. Her home, and her dog all within the past twenty-four hours, and for some reason, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t figure out why she had even been stupid enough in the first place to crawl her way into work this morning. She was young; far too young to even be working as a secretary for Bomb Shell’s Inc.’s top executive, and since she wouldn’t give into her bosses more than overly repressive and highly personal demands, she had lost her job. The losing of her apartment was a different story. For weeks she had been telling herself that she would eventually scrape up enough money to pay those high, menacing towers of bills that served only as her constant reminder of the giant hole she had dug herself into since moving to Chicago. Sadly, shortly after being evicted from her dusty apartment, she had lost her only companion for the past two years, her dog Luke.

Rain poured from the lightning streaked sky over head, and soaked her to the bone. She wanted desperately to go home and change into warm clothes, but with the reminding thought that she no longer had a home, the thought was quickly wiped away. Elita looked up and down the empty street trying to remember where she had parked her red 1991 Chevy Cavalier. After a few minutes, she gave up, and sat on a park bench. Curling her legs up to her chest, she buried her face into her knees and cried, her tangled brown hair falling in a cascade over her shoulders. Her world was crashing around her making everything unbearable. She didn’t know where to go from here. A friends house was out of the question since she hadn’t gotten around to making friends in Chicago yet, work was much more important to her. Local homeless shelters were out of the question as well for her pride would not allow her to even admit that she was now, by her own standards, homeless.

***

Keagan sat in the darkest corner of his favorite bar, The Loft, swishing around the liquid gold in his shot glass of whiskey. His mind was littered with thoughts that he wanted so badly to burn away, but he couldn’t bring himself to take a sip of his usual numbing medicine. Had it really been two-hundred years since his transformation?

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  1. I enjoyed it.  I think during your re-writes you'll straighten out your sentences better in order for them to be more appealing and a bit easier to read, but I think the description of Elita and her plight is quite strong.  

         I feel the bleakness of what she is going through though I kinda feel like unless her car has been towed she currently has a place to stay.  And where are her things?  How long ago was she fired?  At first I thought she was just fired and was heading to her car to go home and then I got the impression it had to be at least a few days if she's already lost her apartment because most people rent by the month with a deposit or something so she'd have time to find a new job.  Unless she was renting by the week.  And yet I'm still interested in knowing where's her stuff.  How exactly did it get so bad so quickly and although I don't expect to know that right away, as the reader I want to keep reading to find out the answers.  That is the sign of a good start.

         Now Keagan is chillin'.  Can't wait to find out 'What' he's been transformed into, I don't find werewolves as exciting as Vamps but vamps are sort of all over the place, really overdone to death (or undead).  But when I find a good story that incorporates all the unearthlies, I'm in.


  2. I think your writing is great!!!!! It's very well written, and the subject is interesting. I'd love to read more! Keep up the good work!  

  3. OMG!! i already see this is a vampire story is very good i want to read more...... it is definitely a series of unfortunately events for her at least but i have a feeling she is going to get lucky.... when u finish the book please send it to me please or let me know were i can purchase it from it sounds awesome!


  4. I think it's quite good.  Nice use of vocabulary words, captivating, and interesting.  Nice job! d=(^.^)=b

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