Read my short poem and tell me what you honestly think !!?

Question

I've just started workin on it......here it goes:

Nights I've cried

But put on a fake smile so no one see my pain

long sleeves and pants so no one see the brues i've gained

tell my mom that i fell down stairs

Knowing she cares.

Cant tell her that the guy i love beats on me

SEE he says he loves me but some times i wonder

why this relationship rarely see sun just tunder..

i not finish but i was wondering what should i name this???? thanks in advance...:)

Answer 1

It's pretty good, but I hope it's not true. I would name it "The Sorrow Beneath the Tainted Surface"

Answer 2

I really like it and keep working on it.  I also really like the title that person above said: "The Sorrow Beneath the Tainted Surface"

Answer 3

its alright, keep going and posh it off a bit at the end, but be careful to use words like "the" in sentences like "tell my mom that i fell down THE stairs"  just cutting it out wont make it sound better. and "why this relationship rarely see sun just tunder.." needs to make sense, hard to interpret it at all.

i like how you have used a short phrase to begin with to make a good impact.

and i'd say cut off "and pants" from the third line, sounds better.

as for the name, i don't know

Answer 4

no offense guys- that title is too long for a poem like this. this calls for a one or 2 word title. that would be a great line to add to the body of the poem.

please check your spelling.

where you add a new line can change the whole poem, think of how individual phrases interact with eachother and how it can add depth if you seperate phrases into shorter bits.

example:

Nights

I've cried but

put on a fake smile so

no one see my pain

long sleeves and pants so

no one see the bruises i've gained

tell my mom that i fell down stairs

she cares.

Cant tell her

the guy i love beats on me

SEE he says

he loves me

but sometimes i wonder

why is this love in shade and thunder

i really like it though. keep writing! :)

Answer 5

its pretty good keep going.

Answer 6

In this poets mind,your Poem is great,and for a Title how about,>>> FAKING  IT.  And maybe you should put an s on where you said  and I quote "why this relationship rarely SEE sun just tunder,put an s on the see, and if you would change the word "tunder" to tundra, as tunder is not a place where tundra is. I have edited your Poem,now go forth and conquer!

Answer 7

I like it, keep going!