Read my story and comment plz!!! what do you think?

Question

We were in his bedroom and I know it was the right moment the perfect moment for this..He had red,and white candles burning everywhere.The room smelled like roses and coconut vanilla paradise.I was in paradise. I could see that he bought some wine,which brought me up by surprise,but not because it was romantic,but because he rememberd that I hated shampain. I looked at him and torward the bed ,which was decorated by rose pettles.Sudenly I felt the nervousness inside of me take over my body.He herd my breathing get deeper,and so he put his hands around me,tightening over my waist.

“You know you dont have to do this”,He said.

“I told you that I want to do this”,I told him in a softer and a more relaxed tone.Though my eyes were giving my relaxation away. He put his lips on my neck and sight...

“I just want you to know that whatever happense tomorrow,that I will always love you unimaginabley and unstopably for the the rest of my life.”

“Please dont make this harder on me...lets just not talk about tomorrow,i want to be with you know I want to feel you so that I can remember this....I love you and forever I will”

“Whatever you want darling.have I ever told you that your like oxygen to me,i cant live without?”

“Yes...About everytime u look at me ”

He tightened his arms around me and I put my lips on his.While I already started trembling,He started unbottening my shirt ,as I started for his when mine was off.It was hard to be patient in a moment like this so I couldnt help myself put to tear a coule of buttons off of his shirt while I was unbottening it.I started for his pants and then he sudenly got them of himself,and ofcourse I began to take my jeans off.

My hands were shaking,not from fear,but from sadness,the thought of never seeing him again went through me like a nife piercing through my heart and stabing it all over again.There were tears in my eyes I tried to hide ,so that I wouldnt ruin this perfect moment.He Carried me torwards the bed,and put

me down carefully as if I was a baby.I started kissing his neck and working up his jaw to his smooth and perfect soothing lips.he took of my Bra and threw it down on the floor gently still looking at my face he stared with deep thought.Suddenly I started feeling self consouse.

“you are so beautiful” he wisperd while trembling.

I stared back at him,it felt like I could see his soul through his dark mysteriouse and brown eyes.His eyes always got me feeling the butterflys everytime I was around him,even after 2yrs being with him I still can feel them.Everytime I look at them I feel like i'm looking at them for the first time. With a smile back at me he noticed that I was giving him the same look he wanted.The look that speeks for itself,which says “i love you more than anything”.

I started to pull off his boxers,as he helped me out and took them off gently still looking at me like it was his first time.He started kissing me this time harder and carelessly.I felt his toung on my lips as he started to come to a stop kissing my neck.He pulled off carefully what was left on me ,still reading my soul with his eyes.....

Tomorrow has come.The day I was fretting for the whole time I knew him has come.I couldnt imagine what my life was or would be without him anymore.He was my life.How was I going to survive while going through not being with him,not seeing his angelic and beautiful face,hearing his perfect soothing voice,and feeling his breath on me as we touched.How was I going to live without his touch,the soothing touch that made all the h**l in the world seem like ice,comparing to the intensity I felt when we kissed.As I laid on his smooth and hard chest,while pretending I was sleeping,so that I wouldnt have to speak.I know if I did the only thing that would come out is arguments about him leaving,litteraly chasing death.He told me he knew he had to do this,and that I shouldnt ever dare to question his love for me. While a tear started making its way down my face ,I felt quilty for making it this hard for him.I hoped that he didnt notice which I'm sure he did ,because at that moment he turned around to face me and put his lips on mine.Kissing the river that was streaming down my face. And suddenly said to me. “Its time for me to go love”.

Answer 1

You need to work on sentence structure, and spelling.

I can't go through here and correct your spelling, you need to use a spellchecker.

There are a lot of run ons, a sentence only needs on complete phrase.

Remember to match your verb tenses. This story starts off in past tense so all the verbs/phrases should be past tense. In the last paragraph you switch verb tenses every other sentence.

He tightened his arms around me and I put my lips on his.While I already started trembling,He started unbottening my shirt ,as I started for his when mine was off.

He tightened his arms around me, and I put my lips on his. I started to tremble as he unbuttoned my shirt, and I unbuttoned his.

--

My hands were shaking,not from fear,but from sadness,the thought of never seeing him again went through me like a nife piercing through my heart and stabing it all over again.

My hands were shaking, not from fear, but from sadness. The thought of never seeing him again went through me like a knife piercing through my heart over and over again.

--

I could see that he bought some wine, which brought me up by surprise,but not because it was romantic,but because he rememberd that I hated shampain

I saw that he bought some wine, which caught me by surprise. Not because it was was romanitic, but because he remembered that i hated champagne.

--

I stared back at him,it felt like I could see his soul through his dark mysteriouse and brown eyes.

I stared back at him, and I felt like I could see his sould through his dark, mysterious, brown eyes.

--

His eyes always got me feeling the butterflys everytime I was around him,even after 2yrs being with him I still can feel them.Everytime I look at them I feel like i'm looking at them for the first time.

Looking into his eyes his eyes aways gave me butterflies. Even after two years of being with him, I could still feel them. Each time I look at him I feel like it's the first time.

--

Tomorrow has come.The day I was fretting for the whole time I knew him has come.I couldnt imagine what my life was or would be without him anymore.He was my life.How was I going to survive while going through not being with him,not seeing his angelic and beautiful face,hearing his perfect soothing voice,and feeling his breath on me as we touched.How was I going to live without his touch,the soothing touch that made all the h**l in the world seem like ice,comparing to the intensity I felt when we kissed.As I laid on his smooth and hard chest,while pretending I was sleeping,so that I wouldnt have to speak.I know if I did the only thing that would come out is arguments about him leaving,litteraly chasing death.

Tommorow came. The day i was fretting about for such a long time finally came. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like without *name*. He was my life. How was I going to survive with out him, not seeing his angelic beautiful face, hearing his perfect soothing voice, or feeling his breath on me when we touched. How could I live with out this touch? The touch that made allt he h**l feel like ice, compared ot the intensity I felt when we kised. As I lay on his smooth chest I pretended to be asleep so I woudln't have to speak. I knew if i did speak, the only thing that could come was arguments about him leaving, chasing death.

Answer 2

That was very good and romantic! Though there were a few spelling errors and the whole oxygen thing is a little cheezy, I still give it two thumbs up! :)

Answer 3

I don't want to sound mean, but it sounds kind of like a book i read,... Otherwise, a bit racy. The rest of it's good.

Answer 4

you should really become an author. this was a great story!

although it sounds like some part from breaking dawn. oh well!

Answer 5

Where is he going?! To die?! Why?! I liked it, there were some spelling errors but besides that it was good! ten out of ten! (the oxygen thing was a little iffy though...)