Reading all this in the adoption section is scaring me out of adoption?

Question

My husband and I have considered adopting someday, along with having our own kids. Now reading everything in this section has scared me to the point where I am thinking that I may not even want to. It seems like all the adopted kids in here hate that they were adopted, hate there adopted parents, etc. I don't want to adopt a child and ruin his/her life. I would hope to adopt and give a child a chance at a good life. Comments?

Answer 1

I hope my son's story doesn't stop anyone from adopting a needy child-one that could really use a home. What I hope that the adopting couple really do their back ground check on the child they are planning to adopt this includes the birth parents and don't just say we don't know who your natural parents are. Adoption is in the bible it says help the fatherless not go around the fathers. If everything is out in the open about the child's adoption and you share this with the child the better off the child will be

   My son's child's mother just walked away and to this day doesn't want to see the child even though my son has him for this month. I asked my son what if she decided to want to see him latter. My son said he would let her for he doesn't want the child not to feel as though he was deprived of her. I also asked him what if the appeal courts give the child to him and the pre adopted family lose will he let them visit and see the child he should have said no(they took the baby knowing he wanted his son)  But here's my son's answer=  This couple did wrong but they love my son and have been good to him so why should I punish my son for what they did, 2 wrongs don't make it right.  Be honest with the child and your self and adoption can be wonderful

Answer 2

Yes, you will run into some problems with your adopted child. It isn't easy! If you decide to adopt, prepare to run into some problems!

Answer 3

So far, your reasons to adopt are looking better than many.  So many kids need homes through the foster care system.  Many of them would love to have a home, loving parents, and good care without abuse.

Many here are bitter with good cause.  Their adoptive lives sucked.  I also believe that sometimes, their life might not have been much better with their bio parents either.  Life in general seems to bless some with overwhelming love, acceptance, money, and good life, and it seems to stomp on some over and over and over.  Life isn't fair.  I wish every adoptee had a perfect life (in some's belief, it would have been if they'd never been adopted).  A good adopted life begins with the parents, both the bio and the adoptive ones.  All need to work together to make the best life possible for the child.  I adopted a beautiful baby boy through private adoption.  I'm irritated that the bio mom doesn't do anything to try to see him at all (she honks when she goes by to party at her friend's house-she's 28).  Always be honest, so when a child finds out about adoption is isn't a shock.  Include adoption from day 1 in their vocabulary, and take baby steps in explaining it, as their emotional and age level intelligence allows.  I also know of several adoptees who've come to me when they find out I've adopted my son, and have told me about their adoption stories.  I've almost always heard the great ones in real life.  I've also learned a lot about adoption here, and have read many answers that both scared me, and many that have let me know, I'm doing a great thing by adopting, and the main thing is to be the parent that my child needs, because he wasn't put here with a job.

Answer 4

Beth you really just need to keep an open minded. If you adopted there is no way to know how your adopted child would take being adopted. Also not all adoptees hate being adopted some do but some do not.  It’s good to prepare for any possible way an adoptee could turn out.  

Good post Tinghudn

Answer 5

I am adopted, and I do not hate my adoptive parents.  I love them and would never choose them over my birth parents.  I know for a fact that my birth parents were unfit people.  I lived with them until I was 7 years old and remember them well.  My adoptive parents were everything that birth parents should have been but never were.  I would venture to say that the people who "hate" their adoptive parents either never knew their birth parents, and are falling under the "grass is greener" thinking, or had very harsh adoptive parents, which unfortunately does happen sometimes.

As long as you treat your adoptive children with the same love and favor as your birth children, and are always honest with them about being adopted, I don't think you will have to worry about your adoptive children hating you.  

There will of course be issues that they will have to deal with as a result of being adopted: curiousness about birth parents, curiousness about heritage and genes, questions about why they were given up, feeling different from you and your husband if they look radically different from you (i.e. their dark features if you & hubby are blondes).  I would suggest being gracious about the questions, offer to help them search out any info they may want.  Let them know that you'll be there for them no matter what.  And try not to feel threatened if they express an interest in their birth parents.  Their questions and interest will not be a rejection of you, but a need to know genetically who they are.  You will be the ones who raise them, love the, kiss their sraped knees - and that in itself creates a bond that cannot be broken.

Try not to worry, the media and outsiders try to paint an ugly horrible picture of adoption that most of the time just isn't true.  By and large, adopted children grow up to be happy well adjusted people who love their adopted parents just the same as any unadopted child loves their natural parents.  Adopting a child is 99% of the time much better for the child than growing up in their biological home could ever be.  Children are put up for adoption most of the time because the biological parents either can't raise them properly, or just don't want to.  What you and your husband want to offer them is much better, and the adopted person almost always comes to recognize this for themselves.

I think it is wonderful that you want to give a good life to a child who would otherwise not have one.  The world needs more people like you who are willing to love a child that someone wants to cast aside.  I say go for it!

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 6

themrs777 hit the nail on the head, I think.

I have noticed that alot of the adoptees here that are the most vocal about how awful adoption is (and especially how awful anyone is who wants to adopt or does adopt) are Baby Scoop Era (BSE) adoptees (they have basically said as much). The BSE was when most unmarried girls/women were pretty much forced to give up their children because single-motherhood just wasn't accepted.

But many  of these adoptees here who are a result of the BSE era don't seem to understand that, for the MOST part, that does NOT happen today. It is a very different world.  Yes, maybe a mother would prefer to keep her child if her circumstances were different, but she still FREELY makes the adoption plan because she thinks she's doing the right thing for her baby and her...  There ARE some things about the adoption industry that need serious reforming.. but some of the adoptees here just need to come into the 21st century and realize that the BSE is NOT still going on.. There are isolated incidents, but it IS a very different world than the 60's... Many here can't seem to do that or understand that.

So.. yes, themrs777 hit the nail on the head as to why some of these adoptees appear so "hateful"  Rest assured that MANY adoptees nowdays are FINE with their lives, and can actually ACCEPT that their birth mothers gave them up willingly (usually because she thought it was the best thing for the baby) and don't have to delude themselves into thinking that it's all the big-bad AP's fault...that their Aparents didn't steal them from their bio-mother.. Their lives aren't ALL filled with bitterness and hate.

But of course, Aparents need to understand that their adopted children may have questions and concerns about their history. They may have feelings of abandonment. They will have questons about their identity and heritage...their story.. they'll need to search for answers, and possibly want to have a relationshp with their first family.. That's something Aparents need to understand and support.

Answer 7

You haven't read very much - or perhaps you need glasses.

You certainly haven't read 'everything' here - or you would not state what you have asked.

Very very few adoptees hate their adoptive parents.

(many actually wish that they were just born into their adoptive family - then life wouldn't be so hard - with self identity, rejection and self concept issues that so many adoptees deal with)

Many hate many adoption practices as they are carried out to this day - and many wish for reform.

Some lows of adoption for the adoptee -

1. sealed records & not being allowed their truth

2. being told too often to be grateful for their life - without others even trying to grasp the reality an adoptee has lived with

3. infant adoptions that don't absolutely have to happen

4. not being allowed to know and love all their families - if they so wish (and no possible harm is present)

5. too many not even being told they are adopted - and finding out way down the track

Read widely - especially words from those that have lived adoption - the adoptees.

Infant adoption is too often about women in trouble - being more or less talked into - sometimes forced into - giving their babies away - when if they were just given support - they would have been great parents - and ultimately - all babies just want to stay with their mothers.

Adoption from foster care is about children that really do need a loving home - but they still didn't ask for the bad situation they came from. Their losses needn't be dismissed - they had no say in adult decisions.

Adoption should be about finding a loving home for a child that needs one - not totally replacing what they had - but giving the child more family.

If your children lost you - say - to a tragic accident - you'd want them to know about you - and your family. Your children would want to know you - and be allowed to grieve the loss of you.

Adoptees just want the same considerations as all other non-adopted peeps.

Open your heart and mind to what adoptees are really saying - as finally - they're actually having a say - and hoping that mistakes of the past won't be made all over again.

Answer 8

Well, yahoo attracts a lot of angry people that feel like venting.

I thought the same thing... They sure are angry... I'd say stick with having your own kids. Could you imagine spending all your hard earn money, putting them through college & spending time with the brats and when they grow up they decide you are no good and want their biological mom who gave them up? What a slap in the face... You do ALL the work but they run off to their no good,  dead beat biological parents that didnt even want them.

I heard one adopted girl say her Adoptive mom was more like her personal maid ...wtf?

Answer 9

Please don't be scared of adoption. We just want you to know that there are right and wrong ways to go about it. Most of the people on here are against infant adoption, as am I. The vast majority of infant adoptions are unnecessary. Why be on a waiting list for an unnecessary adoption, when there are so many needy kids in foster care aging out of the system? We should be encouraging mothers to keep their babies. There is also a lot of coercion that takes place in the adoption industry, like the open adoption lie, and having PAP buy things and be in the delivery room. Also, many AP do not recognize the loss that their child has felt.

Stay on here, You will learn alot. Don't be scared of adoption, just realize that it is extremely complex and that it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are so many aspects that it would take hours for me to sit here and type them all out, and I am still learning my self, so instead I am going to post some links that I think you may find helpful.

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_vs...

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

http://www.origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?...

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

Answer 10

Not EVERYBODY on here is spewing negativity toward adoption.  One thing to realize is that this is NOT a balanced demographic swathe of adoptees.  Often when you find groups or forums it is only the people who found a need to go and get things out or off their chests, the ones who have no questions and no beef to get out there don't always go looking for a place to soapbox.  Thus you will get an unfair representation.  I found this because I had questions and was a bit freaked out leading up to meeting my biofamily (3 weeks ago) and I wanted to get some other people's experiences to think on before hand, but now even though I cant relate to a lot of the negativity at all I almost feel I need to stay around to provide a little balanced perspective and try to provide a calm voice and maybe a little devil's advocacy to some of the things I read in here.

Read posts from people like Mama Kate and Possum for examples of more positive people.

My and my little brother's experience of adoption has been incredibly positive.  I do have some little quirks and issues regarding being given up by my biological mother (now have met her and those are mostly answered) but, read this part carefully---->NONE of my issues or any kind of negative feelings that might be swirling around in my head about this topic have ANYTHING to do with my adopted family.  I love them so much and they are my "REAL FAMILY" in every possible sense.  Their love and acceptance is the solid foundation that I have built my life on and it is what has allowed me to heal the psychological wounds that we all suffer from being, and knowing we were, given away by the woman who's body we were created in and grew in for our first nine months.  I would absolutely adopt, myself, without giving it a second thought.

By all means read as much of this stuff as you can so you can better understand the types of feelings and the questions adopted children grow up with but PLEASE don't let the negative things you read from some of the very vocal adoption bashers and veritable anti-adoption crusaders stalking this area scare you off from the idea of giving a loving home to some child who needs one.  Just go into it educated and with understanding and unconditional love for the child as your number one motivation and it will all work out in the end.

Truth and unconditional love are the keys to a positive adoption.  My parents used them and it worked for me.  I'm sorry not everyone on here had the same experience I did but you can see that your kids get it if thats your goal and its really important to you.

Answer 11

don't listen to these people. THey are probably abortion supporters and prefer that all babies are aborted rather than adopted.

Answer 12

Educate yourself, be open to good advice and you will be fine.

Go for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 13

I was in your position at one time and can understand how you feel. The unfortunate reality with adoption especially in international cases is that children have parents and they are struggling financially (that's the legit ones I'm speaking of) and all they need is a little assistance (as in $25-50 p/month) to be able to keep their children. Agencies and gov'ts that are making money off of these kids (by US/Canadian citizens spending thousands of dollars) have glamorized adoption and are turning their backs on the best interests of children as well as the fact that many parents do not want to truly relinquish their children.   I have a conscience and could not contribute to the atrocities happening so I decided to support mothers so they can raise their children so the children wouldn't have to go through the trauma of adoption. Could I give these children a better "materialistic" life, sure but that's not what adoption is about.

Like I've posted before. If someone wants to adopt a child they should either move to the country of interest for an extensive period of time so they know they are not separating a mother/child or just adopt from foster care. This is the only way to truly know you are not taking a child hostage and labeling it adoption because many 3rd world are extensively corrupt when it comes to adoption. Look at China and Guatemala, although many organizations are warning Pap's and Ap's of what their money is doing to families and children they just don't care because they want a baby or toddler at any cost.

Answer 14

I wasn't adopted, but I was a foster kid. It sucked! My advice is-treat your adopted/foster kids the way you would treat your own flesh & blood kids, & everything would work out smoothly.

Answer 15

I was adopted, and please don't listen to them. I love my parents, and if it wasn't for them i would still be in a foster home. Please give it a try, and research it more on a real adoption site, not just want young kids are saying on here. Also if you get the child when it is younger, the easier it is to bond with them. reconsider, there are great kids out there waiting for a family.

Answer 16

First don't let the unhappy ones on here discourage you. There are alot of us who were adopted that are glad we were and wouldn't have had it any other way. I love and miss my mom and dad so much ( as they are both gone now). My mom was my best friend. As an adoptive parent you simply must love them, just as you would a bio child. When they are old enough to understand you have to start explaining to them the fact that they are adopted, and as time goes by be ready to answer the questions they will have. I do not feel my life was ruined, in fact it's because I was adopted that I did stand a chance in life. Do your research and follow your heart. There are a lot of children out there just waiting for someone to  take them and make them apart of a family. You sound like you have  good heart and a lot of love to give. Good luck

Answer 17

I love my (adoptive) parents, very much.  But you should understand that adoption comes from loss.  Adoption cannot happen unless a child loses.  It is not a good thing, even if it might sometimes be necessary.  Adoption itself takes the biological identity of the child and substitutes an artificially created one.  All children need loving homes.

Some reading for you:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

Answer 18

The adoption world has changed by leaps and bounds. The bitter adopted people on here were adopted back when adoptions were secret and they didn't get to know their birth families. They found out later and have had trouble dealing with it.

Now, it is rare to adopt a newborn within the country and not have an open or semi-open adoption. The children grow up knowing the parents that raised them and the parent/s that made them.

Adopting a child doesn't ruin his or her life. Even if you don't adopt them, someone else will, or they'll be in foster care for their childhood. Your choice to adopt doesn't have any effect on the children whose parents can't care for them.

I would suggest joining ivillage. There is a group there for people involved in all aspects of adoption (birth mothers, adoptive parents, those who were adopted, etc) who are all very friendly and honest and you can get a lot of good information from them. If you go there and post these sentiments, I think you will get a lot of great responses.

Good luck!

Answer 19

I am 22 years old and have just adopted 5 children ages 2-8.  Our kids love us and because we have been open with them about everything answering every question as it comes and always reassuring them that we love them. The actually are better behaved. It was hard the first few months because we had to establish how things would work in our household. Eventually with all the love you and your husband give the child will love you back.  I  think younger children are always a good option as well.

Miley Love

Don't be scared there are a lot of very loving children being adopted right now by people who only want money. Please share your love.

Answer 20

I don't "hate" anyone. "Hate" is a very, very strong word.

I love my adopted life. I hate the fact that I had to be relinquished.

I GOT GENTAL WARTS: [but they run off to their no good, dead beat biological parents that didnt even want them]

Thank you for generalizing. Thank you for speaking on behalf of behalf of women that you don't even know. I find it amazing that you could possibly know my mother's thoughts when she relinquished me. Were you there with her? Did you speak to her?

I'm going to bet you haven't. You don't even know who my mother is, yet you just assumed that ALL mothers who relinquished don't want their children.

If it was possible to give you 40 thumbs down right now, I would do it.

Are you even a part of the triad?

Answer 21

Dear Beth,

There are awful stories and experiences because adoption is about loss first and foremost. If you don't/can't understand that and deal with it appropriately, you don't need to adopt. However, if you can deal with it and accept it and support your child, then ethical adoption should be no problem for your family. If you are seriously considering adoption, read up about it...find out how and why it affects people differently. There is a good reason why many are against adoption. As an adoptive parent, my opinion of adoption has changed drastically from start to finish....what was once a wonderful chance to help a child, has now become far more gray. There are children who legitiamtely need parents and/or homes. These are the children that you should try to adopt....not children who already have parents or who would be fine in their original homes if their parents were simply being supported. Adopted children will not hate you unless you give them reason to. If you adopt them unethically, treat them poorly or differently than your other children, then sure, they will be resentful. People can hate adoption and absolutely adore their adoptive parents..I believe Phil said yesterday that sometimes divorce is the better option, but does that mean that children are happy about their parents getting a divorce? Does that mean that we should promote divorce?You simply need to address their feelings, be open, consistently communicate...etc.

Answer 22

I LOVE being adopted, and I LOVE my adopted parents lol.  Every adoptees situation is different, but I think the best "formula" for adopting is honesty, love, and never treating the child like you did him/her a favour by adopting them.  My adoptive parents always treated me like I was THEIR child and they were SO LUCKY to have me.  In return, I felt blessed to be with them.... not many kids have parents that are as loving and caring and committed as mine are, and most people I know aren't adopted!  Also, be aware the child will have some abandonment problems.  Be patient about it, and if necessary, let the child get therapy, but don't make a big deal about it.  It isn't your fault.

Most adoptees I know had a positive experience.  Most of us still believe adoption should be open/semi-open so that we can have our records when we are 18, and always have our medical info available. That is where most the anger comes it... not having the ability to know hwo to answer the doctor when he goes, "Does breast cancer/arthritis/miscarriages/etc run in  your family?"

Answer 23

It does seem that there are a lot of negative comments here about adoption. I have thought of leaving this site, more than once , because of it. However, I keep coming back because of questions like yours.   I want to encourage you.  I am adopted and also have 2 adopted children- and I can say that adoption has been very positive for us.  You will not ruin his/her life.  Some may have abandonment issues, and you can go to counseling, etc to help with that.  I never did - and my kids never did.  I love my adopted parents- my dad , unfortunately died quite a few years ago, but my mom and I are very, very close.  Go ahead, and adopt, it is a wonderful thing.

Answer 24

Those who are discontented make their voices the loudest.  

There are just as many adoptees who are very happy.  You don't find them here because they have nothing to vent about when it comes to adoption.  Furthermore, these adoptees are people who were adopted more than 10 years ago.  Adoption has changed.  

Don't let this silly website be your deciding factor.  Look to the facts.

Answer 25

I was adopted when i was a baby.  I love my parents with all of my heart.  they were open with me about it ever since i can remember.  I had a wonderful life.  If I ever did find my birth parents i would tell them "Thankyou" cause she could have aborted me.  She must of loved me alot to carry me for 9 months and then let me go for my own good.  Adoption is wonderful and i'm all for it.  I couldn't have asked for better parents than my mom and dad.  Anyone can have a baby but it takes special people to adopt and i can tell.....your special.

Answer 26

I wouldn't let a few vocal adoptees influence your desire to adopt.  There are a group of regular "anti-adoptees", some angry and some bitter who repeatedly spew negativity toward adoption.  If you read this site any regularly you will recognize who these people are.  Many have more than one sign-on name so it seems like there are more than there really are.

I have been involved in the adoption world for many years and know many members of the adoption triad.  Until I wandered into this forum and started getting insulted just because I am an adopted mother, I had never met an unhappy adoptee.  I seems that some adoptees, even though they claim to love their adopted parents, blame their adoptive parents and all other adoptive parents for everything wrong in their world.  If they lived with their biological parents, they would be blaming their biological parents for everything wrong in their world.  In other words, they have never taken responsibilities for their own life, problems, or happiness.  Some people will find misery no matter what and it seems on Yahoo Answers, misery loves company.

I have an adopted daughter who is almost 30 years old, married, 2 children of her own who is a happy and well adjusted young woman.  That's not to say that she's never had any adoption issues, she did and worked through them with the help of a therapst and those issues are now resolved--not even an issue anymore.

Again, I wouldn't let anything on Yahoo Answers help you decide one way or another in your desire to become a parent through adoption.  Adoption is a wonderful thing.

Answer 27

um..where do you get that us adopted kids hate that we are adopted and hate our adopted parents. I speak out of needed reforms in the adoption industry. adoptive parents, first parents fall prey to adoption agencies only trying to get money. that i think is not fair, because basically they are feeding off an adoptive parents want to have children and the first parents being vurneable.  speaking about adoption reform does not mean you hate adoption.

Answer 28

I was abused both by adoptive parents and foster parents.

If knowing that there are problems....

If knowing that not all adoptive parents are loving ...

If knowing that not all foster parents are loving...

If knowing that not all loved adopted children love their AP's...

If knowing that not all loved foster children love their foster parents..

... if all this puts you off and makes you feel insecure...

Then you're not ready to adopt or foster... and you're not ready to have children, because all these risks ALSO exist in families where all the children are your birth children.

cw

Answer 29

I'm glad to hear that.

If you 'hear' all that's here and in the sites I've listed below, you'll be in a good place to adopt.

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Answer 30

You need to remember this is a small and selective slice of the world.  Most adoptees and adoptive parents are happily living their lives to the fullest and not on this web site.  Unfortunately, many here are unhappy for some reason, probably valid, and try to take it out on everyone else.  Sour grapes.

Don't let them get to you.  Adoption can be a wonderful thing.

Answer 31

If you let a group of people 'scare' you out of doing something then your heart may not have been in it from the getgo. If adoption is something you believe in then you can't run away when it gets scarey or tough because there will be times it will be difficult & the last thing an adoptee needs from you is somebody who can't 'handle it.'

If you're about it then be about.  Having children is hard period...you can either rise up to the challenge or bow down. If anything you should really see how adoptees feel to give you a better understanding that sometimes it's not about you or the AP but about the adoptee & the adoptee only.