Ready to marry my prince, disapproving parents.

Question

I've been dating my future husband for almost 7 years now and we're ready to begin planning a wedding. Let me begin by saying that we both from religious families of the Muslim faith. He's 23 and I am 22. We both have good full time jobs, while studying in college. His parents agree, while my parents completely disapprove. The reason why they hate him is because when we were younger we would get caught hanging around together, which is forbidden by my father and the religion. We got caught several times, which lead his parents and mine to confront each other and ended with unneccessary arguments. Now both parents can't stand each other, but atleast his parents are giving us their blessings for the sake of our love for one another. We want to get married by 2009-2010 at the latest. I know that my parents will still disapprove of us no matter what we do. I'm scared my father will ruin the wedding (he is capable). My parents also value their status very much. I dont want to bring shame to my parents but it seems as if I have no choice. I still live with them and I'm scared if I tell them now they will kick me out the house. They hate him so much yet they haven't even spent 10 minutes with him. He's the best and treats me very well. What should I do? How do I deal with this unfortunate situation? I dont want to lose my parents but I want to marry my fiancé. I dont have any relatives here either. Help please! Thanks!

Answer 1

You'r doing nothing wrong marrying him. What you can do is move out of your house and marry him without telling your parents. Im sure your parents love you and with time they  are going to forgive you.

Your fiance is going to have to take responsability for you because you'll be his wife.

If you think he is the one, don't lose him because of that.

Good luck.

Answer 2

You will, if all goes well, be with him long after your parents are dead. Make your own life not the life your parents want to dictate.

Answer 3

I don't know much of your faith so I can only answer what I would do.  

1st if your faith is important to you you might want to seek the advise of your holy leader.  

2nd if his parents are willing to support this choice than ask how much they support it, are they willing to put aside their differences with your parents? Will they talk to them on your behalf?  Will they help you find a place to stay if you get kicked out?

3rd Talk to your parents.  Tell them what is in your heart and what you want in your life.  Tell them you would cherish their blessing but that you love him and are going to marry him.  Follow as many customs as can if he should ask your dad for your hand than have him do so.  

4th Live the life that you want if you love him be with him, if your parents can't accept that then they will be missing out.  It you allow them to push you away from the man you love than you will lose them in the end anyway because you will always blame them for it.

Good Luck!  

Answer 4

To Tony A

I couldn't have said it better myself.  

Answer 5

Hm. Can you ask clergy for advice, where your parents worship? It seems like maybe they would be responsive to a religious authority intervening. Or at least you could get confidential advice about the best way to ease their sense of shame and get them to see some sense. Someone needs to point out to your parents that they are not going to be able to choose a better mate for you, nor keep you single forever, and that to resist forgiveness will only poison the future and fill it with shame for everyone. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Congratulations and good luck.

Answer 6

This is so sad, I really feel for you. I wouldn't tell them quite yet, it will bring arguments, stress & a lot of unnessassary tears. I think when you put money down on a venue then tell them. Im sure you have tried to speak to them about this subject many times & nothing was resolved, so for that reason I think you should write them a detailed letter of how you feel about the unfair situation your in, how much you love them, how much you love your fiance & how much he means to you.

Explain to them how you have found someone that really cares for you & that you are happy, this should be the most important thing. A letter might not sound like a good idea but at least you will get everything that you want to say out without interuptions & you might say things that you might be to affraid to say in person. I think you are an amazingly strong person & I wish you all the luck in the world, just remember that your parents gave you life so that you could live it.

Even if they don't come around on this just send them an invitation anyways, who knows they might have a change of heart. Good luck & congrats on finding that special someone to spend the rest of your life with!!!!

Answer 7

You just have to think of it this way.  Is it a marriage between you and the one you love or a marriage between you, your bf, and your parents?  I think as long as YOU are happy, you should do what you want.  I realize that family is a big deal.  In an essense when there is a marriage in a family, everyone is involved, but you have been with him for 7 years.  Just do it already.  I married a man that my parents didn't approve of.  Now, everything is great and they learned to accept him.  It's not about your parents, it's about you.  Make yourself happy.  

Answer 8

Those parents who just can't fathom their children wanting to pick out their own spouse usually come around after the birth of that first grandchild.....the finality of their loss of parental rights upon ADULT children usually becomes quite clear to them at this time.

It is also important to understand that in your parents culture you are property, without rights as an individual - but in the USA, you are considered a person with rights - including the right to choose whom to marry.  Your parents have not accepted this simple fact.  

My suggestion is to keep quiet about the upcoming marriage til college is over.  Following college - MOVE OUT, become independant - and make sure apartment is on other side of city/town from where your parents live and is gated.  Next - you and your fiance plan and pay for your own wedding.  Invite your parents - and if they come - fantastic.  If they don't - just remember that they most likely will "get over it" by time first grandchild comes around.

Marrying someone you love dearly - and have been with for 7 years is NOT shameful, does NOT bring shame on the family.  It sounds like a good match to the rest of us.

What does bring shame on the family is parents who believe their daughters are nothing more than property, and thus without any rights to feelings of their own, or have no rights to choose whom to marry, spend rest of life with and raise children with.