Really funny jokes or pick up lines?

Question

Im in the mood for a laugh.

Ten points for whoever makes me laugh the hardest.

Thankyou humorous people.

Answer 1

Hot Professor: Where would you choose to spend the holiday?

Student: Uranus!

Hot Professor: My what???

Answer 2

joke 1:

The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in

charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning

against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning

against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,"Oh that guy.Oh yeah

he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He

seems to be doing ok now..... I guess." The head pharmacist says,"Are you crazy??

You can't sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?"

The assistant pharmacist says "Well why not?? Look at him over there!

Its working! He's too scared to cough now!!....."

joke 2:

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the

pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some

discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he

would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the

centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will

have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,

"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was

no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask

him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house

and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN

ABOUT THE LORD?"

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting my shoes on!"

joke 3:

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal

king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step

of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.

So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king

then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt

without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was

killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained

the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...

and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,

"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied,

"i couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with watermelons."

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

s*x: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb s**y blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

This was an actual job application to work at McDonald's.

Answer 3

you can put a trojan on my hard drive anytime. unfortunatly someones used that one on me before, he wuzz a dorkk =] lol

Answer 4

Best pick-up line ever: Your pants must be a mirror, because I can see myself in them.

Here: Enjoy these jokes.

A primary school teacher decides to teach s*x education to her class.

She starts out by drawing a p***s on the chalk board and asks the class,

“Does anyone know what this is?”

And little Johnny says, “Yes, my dad has 2 of them!”

And the teacher says, “Are you sure about that?”

And little Johnny says, “Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to torture my mummy with.”

CHILD: Dad, where do I come from?

DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day! Dad and mom met ina chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in thebathroom at the Cyber Café. Then, mom did some downloads from dad’s memorystick and when dad was ready to upload, we discovered that there was no“firewall”. Seeing that it was a bit too late to cancel, I just carried ondoing the upload. Nine months later, the d**n virus appeared

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,

"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY p***s!!".

The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".

So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.

"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.

"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.

    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

    When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

    A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

    Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"

One day, Grumpy and the other six dwarves visited the Pope. Grumpy approached the great man while the other dwarves watched from a