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Really funny jokes!!

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Any jokes, cheesy, lame, long, short, riddles, i dont care. I am just in the mood for some laughs! Thanks so much!

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hey that's cool! that's pokemon right?
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Did you hear about the new divorced Barbie doll?

She comes with all Kens stuff
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I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help!

Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying

to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a

h**l of a fight and wouldn't let go.

I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and

pretend I didn't see anything.

I finally decided that I should help.

She was a tough old bird, but the three of us finally got

that handbag.

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The teacher announces to her grade 5 class...

"Today I'd like you to describe your mother to me as if she were a bird. Tell me what kind of bird she would be and explain why."

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's white and elegant"

"Thank you Kelly" says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters."

"Thank you Bobby." says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no-one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher reluctantly asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother?"

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A Thrush!"

"And why is that Johnny?" she asks.

"Because she's an irritating c*nt...!"

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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!!!."
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Five Stars for "The Little Johnny" Joke...!!
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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,

"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."

Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the mailman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

--------------------------------------...

A nurse was giving a female coma patient a sponge bath, when she accidentally brushed up on the woman's private parts. Suddenly, the patients vital signs jumped up. So the nurse tried it again, and once again, the vital signs jumped up...so she called the Doctor, and showed him what had happened.

The Doctor grew excited, and called the woman's husband. He explained what had happened, and said "I think it's worth trying for you to try oral s*x with her, and that might be enough to wake her up."

So the husband agreed, and came over to the hospital, where they left him alone with his wife to get going....

a few minutes later, however, the alarms began to ring, and the Doctor found the woman to be dead.

He turned to the husband and asked him "What happened? Didn't you try oral with her?"

"Yeah... I guess she must have choked on it."

--------------------------------------...

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out.Ã‚Â”"

--------------------------------------...

An old man went by the shoe store one day and bought a pair of boots. He came home to his lovely old wife standing in the kitchen. "Honey, do you notice any different about me?" he asked. She said, "Did you get a haircut?" "No," he said. "Look closer." She looked harder and still couldn't tell.

The old man left the room and came back a few minutes later naked except for his boots. "Honey, now do you notice any different about me?" he asked. The wife replied, "Well, your d**k was down yesterday, it's down today, and it will be down forever." "You know why it's down?" he asked. "Cause it's looking at my new boots!" The wife nonchalantly replied, "You should have bought a hat."

--------------------------------------...

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man

reading a book, and noticed he had his collar

on backwards. The little boy asked why he

wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a Priest, said:

'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied:

'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar

like that.'

The priest looked up from his book

and answered:

'I am the Father of many.'

The boy said:

'My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two

grandchildren and he doesn't wear

his collar that way!'

The Priest, getting impatient, said:

'I am the Father of hundreds'

and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for

a while, then leaned over and said:

'Maybe you should wear a condom and

your pants backwards instead of your

collar'.
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I got this emailed to me yesterday. It made me laugh-hope you like it to :)

When you have an I Hate My Job' day,

try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

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Little Johnny Joke is Funny
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