Really funny jokes?

Question

Can you tell me a really funny joke? I prefer little johnny jokes, but any are fine.

Answer 1

Enjoy!

i was going to tell you a joke about pizza but it was to cheesy

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand??? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?"

A Mexican, an Austrailian and an Eskimo are on a plane together. The Austrailian sticks his hand out the window and says "A-ha. We are flying over Austrailia. I know because my arm is hot. So the Eskimo sticks *his* arm out the window and declares. "No, we are flying over Alaska. I know because my arm is cold." So the Mexican decides to settle the arguement by sticking *his* arm out of window. He tells his two international friends "Mis amigos, lo siento, but you are both wrong. We are flying over Mejico. I know, because my watch has been stolen"

El Vaquero(the Mexican cowboy) and his chihuahua, Chilito, are camping in the desert. El Vaquero sets up their tent and both are soon asleep. Some hours later, El Vaquero wakes his faithful friend, "Chilito, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Chilito replies, "I see millions of stars, señor."

"What does that tell you?" asks El Vaquero.

Chilito ponders for a minute.

Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three.

Theologically, its evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, señor?"

El Vaquero is silent for a moment, and then says, "Chilito, you pendejo, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

And the last one

ok...two muffins were sittin in an oven beside each other and one muffin says "man its hot in here". and the other muffin says "HOLY c**p A TALKING MUFFIN"

A third grade teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in

a

sentence.

Molly said. "My family went to the New York City Zoo and we saw all the

animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word

"fascinate".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Statue of

Liberty

and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word

’fascinate.’"

Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted

for

his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage

the

word ’fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are

so

big, she can only fasten eight."

The teacher fainted..........!!!

The teacher told the class that today they’d be guessing objects from physical description. She said, "I will hold an object under my desk and physically describe it to you, and then class, you have to tell me what you think it is I have under my desk." First the teacher said, "I have something long and yellow, what is it?" Sally raises her hand and the teacher calls on her, "What do you think it is Sally?" "It’s a banana", replied Sally. "No, it’s a pencil" said the teacher, "But I like the way you think." Next the teacher said, "I’m holding something round and red, what is it?" Billy raises his hand and the teacher calls on him, "What do you think it is Billy?" "It’s a tomato" says Billy. "No, it’s an apple" says the teacher, "but I like the way you think." Little Johnny raises his hand so the teacher calls on him and says, "Yes Little Johnny." "Well Ms. Smith, I have one for you" says Little Johnny. "Okay says the teacher." "What’s round, hard, and has a head?" replied Little Johnny. "Oh no, Little Johnny that is not appropriate for school at all." says the teacher. "It’s a quarter" says Little Johnny, "but I like the way you think."

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a p**s!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ’urinate.’

Please use the word ’urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You’re an eight, but if you had bigger ****, you’d be a ten!!!"

Multi-Syllabic

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going

to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of

a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable

word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a *******. I'm

talking about a ****."

Little Johnny is in school one day and the teacher asked him to

use the words "bitter end" in a sentence.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and said "The dog chased the

cat through the house and it bitter end."

Answer 2

One day little johnny came home from school and asked his mom what does a*****e mean quickly she replied it means priest so he said okay and walked to his room.

The next day johnny came home from school and asked his mom what does s**t mean quickly she replied it means food then he walked off to his room.

Once again he came from school and asked his mom what f**king means quickly she replied it  means getting dressed.

The next day a priest was coming over for dinner he rang the doorbell and little johnny answered oh hi a*****e come in the s**t is on the table and my mom and dad are upstairs f**king

Answer 3

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75,

pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view

mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him, blue lights

flashing and siren blaring.

He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too

old for this,' and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked

at his watch and said,

'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.

If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard

before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with

a Florida State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

Answer 4

UH I AM FUNNY BUT HERE R SOME JOKES

Q.WHAT IS

NEVER MIIND

Answer 5

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f^%k your brains out, and s.u.c.k your t.i.t.s dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

Answer 6

OK, there was this lady and she was going to dinner with her boyfriend at his house to meet his family. well she started to feel gassy earlier in the day, so she thought i would probably pass by diner. well diner arrived and she wasn't feeling any less gasy. so when she got to her boyfriends house their was a huge table filled with all his closest relatives. she was sitting there and her boy friends mom said they were having brocili for diner. well she thought great that will make me even more gasy. so after a little while she really had to f**t, and she noticed that the dog skippy was sitting on the floor next to her, so she farted.

the boyfriends dad hollers "skippy, get over here"

well pretty soon she had to f**t again so seeing as the dog was still sitting next to her she farted.

the dad hollers "skippy get your as$ over here"

a little time had passed and she realized she had to f**t again. well this time she let out the biggest f**t possible.

the dad hollers "goddamnit skippy, get over her before she sh*ts all over you.

i thought it was funny, my 90 year old aunt told it to my grandma and she told it to me.