Reason to be a little miffed?

Question

Say your wife/grlfrnd was going off to a weekend seminar. You discover that she had been chatting with a married guy that is also going to the seminar about intimate sexual things inclusing spending the night in his room. BTW-This is a spiritual, uplifting seminar they are attending. You know nothing went on because you really do trust & respect her. OK....fast forward 1 month....everything is OK & you have forgot & forgiven. Then all of a sudden you hear that your wife is communicating with this same man she had these plans with about computer, web design stuff. She informs you it is totally over & there is no need for conmcern..."You always want to control me" comes out of her mouth. Why cant I have male frnds? BTW-She has male frnds but not the type she talks sexual intimacy with. Do you think you would be a little upset that this is occuring or is it me & should just allow the frndship to blossom? After all...any man would encourage this type frndship with these dynamics occurring....right? Any opinions?

Answer 1

This happened to me. I found my husband had been talking to a woman on the internet, which had escalated to phone calls. He assured me he would stop talking to her, he completely down played the whole thing and i accept that because after the fight we had, and after almost kicking him out, i just wanted things to go back to normal.  A week later, i got a little curious, started looking into things. When i looked at our cell phone bill, i found her numbers and i also found that he had been talking to her for HOURS every day. I called one of the numbers and i spoke to her husband, who also had found out and was devastated. He knew more about it than i did, but when i found everything out, I confronted my husband and ultimately kicked him out of the house. I told him in NO uncertain terms that if he loved me, wanted our marriage to continue, and had one ounce of respect for me,  then he must never communicate with her in any way EVER again in life! He agreed because he wanted to save our marriage. And make no mistake, it is a condition of our marriage. Every password we have has been changed so that i know every one of them. He has no expectation of "privacy" because in order to trust him again, i must have total access to everything. And i don't snoop, i don't feel the need to snoop because he knows that the next time is the last time. So i say this to you having been in a similar situation. She must stop all communication with this man or it will undermine your marriage, your trust, your emotional intimacy. Even if her intentions are pure, and i'm not saying they are, she may still be easily swayed by him if his intentions are not pure. I wouldn't trust it for a single second. Tell her, make it utterly clear to her, how you feel about the fact that they still talk. If she loves you and values your relationship she will agree to stop communicating with him. If she won't agree to it, then he means more to her than she is admitting and you've got a huge problem on your hands. No man in this world should come before you. You are her husband.  If that's not the way that it is, then something is terribly wrong. Good Luck!

Answer 2

She's s******g this guy and she's doing him hard and fast and with a smile on her face.  That toothpaste is already out of the tube as it were.  You may as well dump her now.

Answer 3

Every couple has the right to establish what is/is not okay in their relationship. In mine, for example, pre-existing close girl friends/boy friends are fine, but new opposite-gendered friends are highly-suspicious and allowed to endure if both of us feel comfortable. We sort of established these rules since both of us have a lot of opposite-gendered friends from before we met. It works for us. My advice would be to talk to her and establish some ground rules, for example--no staying over in the rooms' of your opposite-gendered friends, etc. I would say the key is to make agreements which apply to both of you. Don't single her out as the only one who does wrong, just make generic rules both of you can follow so you'll both be comfortable. This may mean giving up a freedom yourself, but in the end, it could be worthwhile.

Hope this helps

Answer 4

Ugh, here is the deal.

She completely lost all moral grounds to complain about not being able to have this dude as a "friend" when you found out she had been having sexual conversations w/him and/or spending the night in his room -- remember this is a guy she barely knew.

Even if you believe there was no full-on s*x, they both crossed the line.  She as much admitted that when she said "it is totally over".  And now shock, surprise there is a consequence to pay.  It is disingenious of her at best to trot out the "control" line in a situation like this and it is obtuse of you to think maybe you should buy it.  How would she like it if you pulled this c**p on her?  If you have control issues in other areas, you *should* fix those, but it's a separate discussion.

You don't have a problem with her having male friends.  You have a problem with this scumbucket continuing to be involved in her (and by extension, your) life.  That's not being a control freak.  There is a difference.

Thanks for being considerate and asking, but from the admittedly little I understand of the situation, my advice is to grow some balls.  There are some things worth fighting over.  This is one of them.

Answer 5

She is having an emotional affair with this guy and it is wrong.  If she cares at all about your feelings and your marriage she will break off whatever they have to work on what she has with you.  

Answer 6

hammer the computer...ha ha ha ha of course it got to be stop. no married woman chat so intimate to a male person unless it is his husband

Answer 7

Allow each other to be what they truly are as that alone help relating to each other superbly with nurture and amity!

Answer 8

I'm very sorry your experiencing this type of betrayal, especially if you are Christians and your moral standards are different from that of the worlds. It sounds like an issue of temptation and lust that has gone out of control. You cant blame yourself because she decided to let herself be led by her emotions. You have a right to be upset but you must draw healthy boundaries in a relationship and respect is not an option. Forgiveness is essential but don't allow her to manipulate your feelings or enable her behavior.

Answer 9

I definitely smell fish!

Answer 10

You have every right to be upset. It is like a slap in the face to you and a lack of respect. Tell her if she want your relationship to work them she needs to sever ties with him. Afterall they broke that friendship boundary a long time ago. Its okay to forgive but you never put yourself back into that situation again if you want it to work.