Reasonable or just being a demanding...um... witch? Husband has hygiene problems. : (?

Question

I know I let the problem go on too long, but I am married to a good man who would probably saw his right arm off for me if I asked him to. Since he started working out of the home several years ago, however, he has been seriously letting himself go. He hasn't had a problem with sitting around the house wearing the same pants he's worked outside in for the past week, he doesn't brush his teeth regularly, and even the kid wants to know why daddy doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom. I've dropped hint after hint, and finally threw a fit this weekend. After a raft of excuses, he admits none of this is new and promises to turn over a newly washed leaf. Then last night he helps me put things away, his breath knocks me over and he explains that he forgot... and I don't even know how to address the fact that sitting around in your boxers after dinner with dog breath is NOT the improvement that I had in mind!

What am I going to do? I can't stand for him to get close to me any more, and I am depressed, frustrated (yes, like that!), and angry.

How do you make a man understand something like this?

I've spent the past couple of months getting him out of the house and around more people: going to church, volunteering at an outreach activity, etc., and he started taking meds for depression a couple of months ago because his doctor and I both insisted that there was a problem there.

He wasn't like this when we met or for the first five years or so of our marriage - he was very neat and well-groomed, but now it's like he's reverted back to some sort of barbarian boyhood where it's okay to eat without washing your hands after the dog has been l*****g all over you.

What am I supposed to do? He's starting to make other men look really good, and I hate that.

Answer 1

You've done what you should have.  You encouraged him to make some improvements in his life.

So, the breath incident.  He forgot.  If he's going to make changes, and these sound like big ones, he's also going to forget sometimes.  You have to allow for that.  It takes weeks to make habits out of any activity, and tooth brushing is no exception.  remember how our parents made such a production of making sure we brushed? - There was a reason for it, to instill the habit.

So, he's getting out of the house and dealing with his depression.  You played a big part in that, to be certain, yet he has to continue the follow-thru.

Understand that the way he got to this point did not happen overnight, and neither will his journey back to living better be a one-day trip.

I wish you both well.

Answer 2

There is more than one way to tell someone they need to up their personal hygiene and telling them they have dog breath, especially when they have depression already, is not the way to go. Give him little reminders. Help him remember to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and brush his teeth when he gets out of the shower. Try to be supportive. Being supportive will be a lot more help to him then being negative.  

Answer 3

meds are ok to a point but did you or the doc spend some time digging deeper in his life to try and find out why he has changed and why he is depressed?  Stop whining poor me and start doing some investigation to help your husband not put him on meds

Answer 4

What you need is a TV. Before he can put his pants on, ask him where they are because you "need to wash them." In order to show him what letting himself go is doing to him, you should take photos of him and show him old photos of himself compared with the new ones.

Tell him his breath stinks and you can't stand to kiss him, or be held when he doesn't wash his hands. If you show him certain programmes, or find ones on the internet 'Kim and Aggy's how clean is your house?' might be useful to search on youtube for instance, then he will be able to see what bacteria are in the toilet and exactly what not washing his hands is doing. Brushing his teeth is making them rot in the long run, so showing him pictures of rotting teeth might do the trick.

Stop dropping hints and tell him these things outright; show him. Tell him its disgusting and that it IS making you depressed, it IS making you frustrated and it DOES make you feel sick!