Regarding biological fathers and adoption?

Question

I just read a scathing question condemning women who do not get permission from the birth father when putting a baby up for adoption. I understand this to a point, but let's look at my situation. I was engaged and on birth control when I conceived. When I was 14 weeks along, my ex bailed out because he was "too scared" to raise a child and said he had no feelings for it. He moved 4 states away to live with his parents. I am now 23 weeks along and have dealt with this pregnancy myself, with no help from him (emotional, financial, or physical). I shudder to think of going through the labor and delivery alone, but that's what I'm facing. I am not planning on adoption, but if I was, do you think I should have to get this deadbeat dad's permission? If he wanted a say in this child's life he would not have bailed out. He hasn't even called since he left.

Answer 1

I honestly think this is a great questions, here is why.  If a woman can decided that it is her body and she can have an abortion and they guy has no say, then why can't the woman decided it is her body housing this infant and she can decided on adoption, why should the guy get a say now?

So when does the guy's voice get to be heard?  I personally think at conception because I am pro-life, but a good question.

Answer 2

No, I don't think that you should have to get his permission.  Once this baby is here, I promise you, you will have so many feelings for this baby!!!  The labor part, you don't need him. I am sure you have your mom that will help you through it! Afterall, she has been through it before and knows more about it than him.  I really admire you for not having a abortion!!!  Things may be hard right now, but I promise  you, it is so rewarding being a parent.  Good luck and Congratulations. You don't need him!! you will find someone eventually that will love you and the baby like it is his!!!!

Answer 3

I agree very much with your thinking. If a father proves that he is ready to be a father, then yes, you should have his permission. But if he is too immature to take responsiblity for his own actions and help you raise this child, then he is obviously too immature to have any say in a child's future.

Answer 4

yea but sometimes

the mother wants to put the kid up for adoption

and the father wants the kid

not all guys are badd

some people dont understand that

Answer 5

Even if the birth father is not present at the birth to sign the birth certificate, becasue you know who he is, you would still have to get his permisson to do an adoption. If you know how to contact him, your adoption lawyer will have to contact him to let him know what's going on.

If you don't know how to get a hold of him, the lawyers will make you run an ad in the paper of the town he last lived in and you will have to wait a certain amount of time before it can be considered that he abandoned you and the baby. If he does not respond to the ad, his rights will be terminated.

The sucky thing is that b/c you know who he is, he's got rights as the biological dad, even though he's not around emtionally, financially, physically, or any other way. Its almost as if you didn't know who the dad was, it would be better in terms of his legal rights.

I went through the same thing 10 years ago. I thought my boyfriend and I were going to be together forever. I was in college and on Depo and I still got pregnant. He bailed and has never attempted to contact us in any way.

Thankfully I met a wonderful man who is now my husband and who has been an awesome dad to my son. He's been in my son's life since my son was 2 and after we were married, he adopted my son.

In terms of going through labor alone, just remember this: Every woman goes through labor "alone". Its only the pregnant lady who's in the actual labor. Everyone else is just there to help.

Best of luck

Answer 6

It would be immoral not to do so. Many fathers "run scared" only to return later and realize how much they love and want to raise their child. I have personally seen this happen several times - and from some of the best dads I know. Seeing and holding your child is very different than the overwhelming prospect of being a new parent.

My own husband freaked out about being a parent and almost left. He is a wonderful father and loves his kids more than anything. He feels terrible guilt about his feelings and actions. I don't blame him for being afraid. Parenthood is a daunting task and there are some people who are deathly afraid of being bad parents or go though a period of denial or depression about becoming parents.

Even if they don't come around, placing a child for adoption without the father's permission can cause serious legal & emotional reprocussions for the child in question and the adoptive parents.

I hope that your baby's father realizes what he is missing and steps up to the plate. He will find it to be an amazing, wonderful frustrating, difficuly and yes, even scary job - but worth every bit of it.

I am sorry that you are having to experience your pregnancy alone and am not condoning his behavior in anyway - merely offering a possible explaination. If you can put aside your hurt and anger and reach out with a little understanding you may find that he is still the father you thought he would be.

I wish you and your family the best of luck and hope that eveything works out for all of you.

Answer 7

It's a crime that he dumped you because he is 'scared', poor little guy, but he's the father and he will have to take responsibility for his child one way or another.

My niece said she didn't want to have anything to do with the father of her baby, she gave him her last name, and didn't expect anything but then she realized how hard it was to raise a child alone and work full time and buy diapers. She needed child care and if she asked for help from the state, then the father had to be involved, she also decided her son needed a father and she did what she could to give then both that chance.

Answer 8

And I was trying to say that as an expectant mother one should contact HIS parents. Not as a snitch, but as an adult trying to keep SOME family together. What if his parents would be willing to raise this child? What if by that child being around his family he becomes the father he's supposed to. Fathers have rights as well as obligations. Extended family should be considered first.

In your particular case, he knew about the baby. He made his decision. I think you should give him time and a 2nd, 3rd and even 4th chance if he shows even the remotest interest. Don't hold it against him because he wasn't there for the delivery. Some men can't handle delivery and you will be alone anyway.

The other question did not pertain to your situation, but I do thank you for bringing it up as it may have confused others as well. Also, half of my answer here is not directed at you and your situation, more so the other question.

This isn't about who's more scared and gets to run away. This is about a child who could have blood related family that were willing to take care of them and raise them IF ONLY THEY KNEW. Men aren't the only ones who run scared from pregnancy. Most young girls do too they just can't run as far.

Please do not take offense, my anger is toward women who think because it's their body, they get to call all the shots and hurt whom ever they please.  Your situation is different and honestly I think it still has hope. And yes I still think you should contact him and ask what he would like to do,  even though he ran away. He is still a father and you should give him every opportunity to make decisions like one. If he makes bad choices he has to live with it, at least you tried. List him as the father on the birth certificate, not to hurt him, but for your child. Your child deserves to know who both his/her parents are.

ETA: I just read your answer to the other question and all I can say is you are very hormonal right now, you're hurt, you're scared and you're alone. You will get through this. It's all part of becomming a parent. Most 1st time parents are scared snotless. Don't try to hurt him because he hurt you. You have to learn starting now that what you do your child will repeat. Actions speak volumes louder than words. Right now you are your childs rock. Maybe you will be this childs only rock. That's okay, at least give them one rock. If down the line they end up with two, great. Unconditional love is what you want your child to feel for you and their father. It starts with you. You got a raw deal, show everyone you have what it takes to be a good parent. Show compassion, and swear at him under your breath if you have to. Don't taint this man in your childs eyes. He may return.

Answer 9

My question was meant to address the women who hide the adoptions so they do not have to deal with the father....usually for selfish reasons.  Lots of men bail on their pregnant girlfriends/wives but come to their senses eventually.  The child is still their child as well, and once it is out of your body, it is NOT your decision alone.  Any woman who lies on a birth certificate or purposely tries to decieve the father in order to relinquish the baby should automatically lose the child to the father and be forced to pay up half her income in child support.

**edit**

Please, take heart in Lori A's words.  She has been the voice of reason thru many disagreements here on YA.

Answer 10

I think it is up to you, i dont think you should have to have his permission, he didnt ask your permission to leave you by yourself with his child.(about to be child) I would say in most cases yeah i would get the fathers permission, but he gave you every right to do what you want when he left you on your own. If adoption is an option for you thats great, if you keep your baby thats even better, but in this situation i would not ask his permission. He is not worth the time.

Answer 11

I have been in your shoes.  My parents told me what to do and I listened.  I wish I hadn't.  I changed my name back to my maiden name, didn't put him on the birth certificate, and always, always, looked over my shoulder at every man in every parking lot.  It was like there was a ghost there.  It took 17 years to find him.  My son wanted to.  I knew something had changed in his life, because all of a sudden I received several consecutive child support checks.  He is now trying to be a good father, and perhaps if I'd made more of an effort to incude him, instead of hiding, and making everything difficult, my son would have had a father for a lot more years.  People do change, and perhaps my son's dad wouldn't have gone out and created an entire family because he would have met my son, and perhaps been a much better dad earlier on.  

I do believe that people change and that your ex should pay child support (it is his responsibility), and as long as he's not abusive (either mentally or physically), that you give him  chance, even if it's in your home.

As an adoptive mom, I always give my second son's birthmom the opportunity to come see him.  It is her choice that she doesn't, however, just like with my first son's father, I will never put her down or say anything bad, because one day they will re-unite, and I hope it's a positive, and loving experience.  I believe that there can never be too many people who love a child!

Answer 12

Every father should be informed if his offspring is going to be given away.

I'm so sorry you chose a bad man and hope you have the support you need.  Take care and good luck