A poem what do you think ?

Question

I just wrote this, about 5 minutes ago, it has no significance what so ever.

Just want to hear your thoughts on it and where i can make improvements...

Life goes on

Children grow, trees fall the wind blows

Laughter lost in time

A smile long forgotten

Another day without you

Skies still blue grass still green

Time flows but I stand still

Your touch your breathe your life

Gone

But still in my heart

Your life goes on

Answer 1

i think its perfect just the way it is very touching and heart felt this could be tear jerker for some but your strength shows through the poem its reassuring to some degree and it seems there is still love and heart still in this world bravo well done

Answer 2

Very well done, I would add more and make it much longer but other then that it is very well written.  I would also add commas because I kind of got confused with the line "Your touch your breath your life" I would have it like "Your touch, your breath, your life."

Answer 3

You have to consider your audience: if it is for you, simply to express feelings over losing someone (as it seems), then you are your own audience, and it is as wonderful as it is sincere.  If it is for others, though, you should consider fewer cliched images, and rethink your spelling of "breathe" (i.e., breath).

Answer 4

That's an amazing poem.

I think it kind of relates to something that i experienced in my past. and I almost cryed when i read this because it is very great and awsome and It brigns all those memories back.

You are a good poem writer.

and Great Job!

Answer 5

its well done....with some great lessons and it speaks the truth. Its a very straight forward apperence, yet if you look deeper you find even more means to the simple words. It was really enjoyed! Keep up the great work!

best of wishes

`m.t

Answer 6

Its a nice simple poem--I would take out the "long" and just have A smile-forgotten

That is just me

But still in my heart Your life goes on, I would work with those two lines, they do not resound as much as they should for final lines, they sound a little cliche

But I like it

Answer 7

Life goes on,

children grow.

Trees fall down,

the wind blows.

A day without you,

skies still blue,

Grass still green.

Covered in dew.

Laughter lost,

a smile gone,

Time flows,

and I stand alone.

Your touch, your breath,

your life, amiss

But in my heart,

your life persists.