A sibling with Asperger's? ?

Question

I fell really sorry for my best friend, we tell each other everything. She has a brother with Aspergers and she told me that it’s h**l. Last year we had a prize giving for the kids who did well in school, and she got a lot of prizes. Afterwards her brother threw a huge fit and said that it wasn’t a great prize giving. The year before that he got so mad and started throwing chairs b/c he didn’t get a prize, these events I saw. She then went and hid her prizes and her mother only told said congratulations on your prizes in private when her brother wasn’t around.

Then the other day she passed her drivers license and her mother said congratulations but don’t go and brag in front of your brother, don’t mention anything to him. And she wasn’t allowed to celebrate. Her brother dropped out of school at 17 b/c he threw tantrums and fits. Now her brother only stays at something for a couple of months and then starts complaining and his mother lets him go. Also my friend went from a D to an A in her math and her mother just said it was good, she didn’t seem excited or anything.

I mean she is a sweet friend and most of these events I actually witnessed. And her mother is really a good mother; it’s just sometimes she does this. I mean what kind of effect does this have on someone? What kind of effect does it have on my friend?

Only mature answers please…

Answer 1

My oldest son has Aspergers. At first he was diagnosed with ADD and was put on different meds that didn't work. My youngest son actually witnessed a lot of similar things your friend has had to see and be a part of.  My oldest son was also very violent towards myself and my younger son. This happened on and off until my oldest son was approx. 17 yrs old. At 17 they finally diagnosed him with Aspergers and placed him on the proper medication. It took a lot of trying different ones etc. until they finally found the one best for him.

Of course it has an effect on the sibling. It not only takes away attention that the other deserves to have at the moment, but it's frustrating as well. I know with us we took our youngest aside when he accomplished good things, or needed a special moment, and praised him in privet. What your friend has to remember is that her brother cannot help how he is, anymore then a child with Donsyndrome can.

My oldest son is now 22, and he's great! He lives on his own, but still close. My youngest is almost 16, is an A student and does very well. With the proper attitude and support your friend will be find. Just keep reminding her that he cannot help how he is. And maybe too, take a moment to think of how he feels. Asperger kids are trapped somewhat in there own mind. They are unable to feel things the way you and I feel. If they're embarrassed, or anxious, or even overly proud or happy, they don't know how to express it and they turn it to anger. Whenever he is throwing fits, she needs to remember that he truly is feeling some other way other then anger, but he just can't express it.

Answer 2

i have Asperger syndrome too. My brother is really bright and top in his class at everything, and it really upsets me that i can never achieve what he can because of my disabilities. I think my mum realizes how i feel and tries not to rub it in my face, so that means that Jon does not get as much praise as maybe he should. But i don't think he cares. He still keeps winning awards and is captain of his football team so i don't think it has effected him. Although, maybe he is more modest because of it. But i still feel a little bit guilty for holding him back - and ashamed at myself for never being able to do anything good.

I think it's kind of the same with your friends mum. If she did shower her with attention whilst not being able to balance it out with the other child, the brother could become even worse than he is now. Maybe she thinks that your friend does not need the same level of support as her brother needs, because she is exiling on her own. All you can really do is offer her your support.

Answer 3

Her brother's tantrums effect the whole family and it's hard on everyone in the family (including the brother). He can't help throwing these tantrums and I guess your friend's mother doesn't know any better way of avoiding or dealing with his tantrums than to avoid things that might trigger them. In this case, if he throws tantrums over his sister getting prizes when he doesn't, the mother may want to avoid discussing the prizes in front of him, hoping that they can avoid a tantrum like that or calm him down faster.

I know it can feel really disappointing to your friend that her family doesn't share the excitement, but she needs to remember that her parents ARE proud of her and excited when she does well, but that it's just hard for them to show that while they must deal with her brother.

She probably feels like she's living in her brother's shadow, but I bet her brother feels the same way. It's hard for her when everything is about avoiding his tantrums, but it's hard for him to see his sister being successful and achieving something while he struggles to be as much as functional in daily life.

I think there is probably quite a lot of tension in your friend's life, but I think she'll be ok in the longterm.

Answer 4

Your friend is probably going to have some issues because of her upbringing. As she gets older hopefully she will realize that she is a very special person, even if she didnt always get the recognition she deserved. Being a parent to a sepcial needs child is very difficult. It often means that the "normal" children in the home suffer at the expense of the child with special needs. Im sure her mom loves her and is very proud of her but is exhausted physically and emotionally from dealing with her brother.

Its really hard to accept that your parents are human and are just doiong the best they can and sometimes what you want or even need from them they just dont have to give. This happens with all chidlren but is worse when there is a special needs child involved. Hopefully your friend will forgive her mother and brother and be able to let go of lots of hurt feelings and upsetting emotions so she is able to move on with her life and still have a good relationship with her family. When shes ready she might want to talk openly with her mother about her feelings. She could even start by recognizing that what her mother has had to do was very difficult and she understands she did the best she could but that still doesnt mean shes happy with all the decisons that were made or the position she was put in because of her brother.

It really sucks but shes just going to have to deal with all of the emotion and issues that come along with living a life like this. Hopefully she will be able to turn it into something positive for herself! If shes really struggling therapy is always a good opition and nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing is more important than mainting metal health. If you cant keep sane for yourself your no go to anyone else either.

Answer 5

My suggestion would be to keep supporting your friend. Take her somewhere, yourself, when she has moments to celebrate. Your friend really needs you!

I work w/ children, some of which have mental impairments/disorders like Aspergers. Often times, the parents will appease the child, so as not to upset him/her. That seems to only fuel the "fire" that results in the outbursts and fits, that you've seen. If your friend's mom hasn't sought professional medical help for her son, this struggle will continue.

In cases like this, your friend's mom should really think about finding a behavior specialist to help.

Take a look at the website I listed below. When you get on the site, type in Asperger syndrome in the "search" window.