A very short poem?

Question

The Burden of the Artist

here i stand in the middle of the light.

in the edge of silence,

in the replica of night.

i can hear the plans unwind.

perish inside my grasp

gone forever in the depths of the mind.

am i the only one who looks behind?

why can't the pieces accept freedom?

why won't everyone obey?

and i consumed the universe,

until there is nothing left to be consumed.

Answer 1

BeauTiFul poem! so much taste and enthusiasm

Answer 2

I loved it a lot' and missed your great poems..welcome back .

Answer 3

I really like it much, this part, the last part didn't seem to fit with the rest, but seemed to be a start of a new poem, the last 2 verses went together but didn't feel it went with this part!!

The Burden of the Artist

here i stand in the middle of the light.

in the edge of silence,

in the replica of night.

i can hear the plans unwind.

perish inside my grasp

gone forever in the depths of the mind.

am i the only one who looks behind?

I think this could have been the last line and it would have been perfect to me!  Hope this helps!!  Cheers!!

Answer 4

Raar!

This is veru poignant and thought provoking aside for some mistakes in metaphor. I rewrite for your pleasure or pain, so either bless me of protest me, this would be my version...

THE BURDEN OF THE ARTIST

here I stand in the vastness of light

on the edge of silence

past the replica of night

I can hear the winds unwind

it spins inside my grasp

gone forever are the depths of the mind

am I the only one who feels sublime?

why can't the factions accept freedom?

don't they know how bad we need them?

l comsumed my part of the universe

pretty soon they'll be nothing left to consume.



Thank you for your non cooperation!

Answer 5

first two stanzas- amazing :)

second two stanzas- better then i can do but not as good as the first.

hope this helped

and by the way

its really good :)

Answer 6

I don't know what mojo means, but this is a really good piece of work.  I can totally empathize with what you're saying.  Keep writing!

Answer 7

beautiful poem. it was entertaining, captivating, and inspiring... good job =]

Answer 8

the first two stanzas are beautiful.

if you changed some words in the second two stanzas the entire poem would be perfect.

you have an amazing talent for poetry. keep making your magic.  =]

Answer 9

Can you stand 'in' the edge of something?  I think it would be better if you put 'on' there.

I like it - despite the fact that I think you are trying to be obscure and mystical just for the h**l of it, and not in order to convey any true meaning.

The last two lines - nope - how about

And I consumed the universe

Leaving only darkness, and the void.

Answer 10

o.m.g. i have not read a poem like this before i realy like i hope you dont mind i copied it to put on my myspace but i will give your name a mention... but if you could have possibly been better in the past (although i dont see how) you are great now....keep up the good work...

Answer 11

It's great. Really flows well. ;p