Adopted Children?

Question

Is anyone adopted? How did you feel when you found out?

The reason I ask is that I gave up my son to a loving family because I was too young to take care of him. Recently I heard a few people saying that adoption is the worst thing a kid could find out or that it was bad for the child. So now I feel slightly insecure about my decision, I know I did the right thing, but will he hate me for it when he grows up?

Answer 1

Wow. There are alot of success stories on here.  Well here is mine.  My two sisters and myself were all adopted.  We were seperated from the beginning (which wasnt supposed to happen).My older sister and myself were both abused in everyway you can imagine by foster and adoptive parents.  My little sister was much luckier and was placed in a great home. I found my bio mom when i was 15.  Now she and I have a great relationship, but it took years to get there.  She and my older sister also have a good relationship.  My little sister, who I finally found a few months ago, does not want to meet her.  So I think it all depends on their situation.

Answer 2

I have two adopted children.  We adopted them at older ages, but even if we'd have adopted them as babies, they would have "always known" they were adopted.  We talk about their adoption story frequently.  We talk about how long we waited for them, how much we wanted them and how much paperwork was involved in bringing them into our family.  We also give a lot of honor to their birth family.  It was a difficult thing their birth mother did to make an adoption plan for them & I am more grateful to her than I can even begin to express for giving me my daughters.

It's very likely, as it's become conventional wisdom in the last 20 years or so, that your son has known that he was adopted from the time he even understood families and that it wasn't an earth shattering realization for him.

I think most adopted children go through some "what if" scenarios and fantasies as they grow up (if I few up with my birth mom, I wouldn't ever have to do chores!).  LOL.

I think most, if not all, adopted children have grief and loss issues that they need to deal with at each stage of development.  I think most adopted children have some kind of understanding that their birth mother made a loving choice by making an adoption plan so they could have a better life with more opportunities.

There is a chance that you and this young man will be reunited some day and he'll probably have many questions for you as well as many stories to tell you.  I doubt he'll hate you for making a difficult choice that was designed for his benefit.

Answer 3

My wife and I are looking to adopt since she almost died in childbirth. I don't know how adopted children feel but we are grateful there are people like yourself who recognize that there child is too much for them to care for. Don't worry hat it was the wrong decision, I'm sure it was a hard one.

Answer 4

i am adopted,my parents told me when i was 5 or 6,which is the best age in my opinion. you are too young to really understand the implications of what it means,but when you get older you can think about it,rationally without feelings of confusion,hurt,etc. i would only have been shocked if i had been told all my life i was a biological child,then found out as a teenager it was all a lie!. i think most adopted people go through feelings of hurt,betrayal,etc,especially as adolescents,but at the end of the day we are being raised in a home where we were chosen,so even if we are hurt,we may not realise it was the best thing for us.

Answer 5

i dont ever remember a time i didnt know. i think what they are talking about is when a kid gets older and they suddenly find out. that shakes their whole foundation. i think they begin to question everything and they feel their identity is gone.

i am a firm believer in never wait until the 'right' time. let it out there from day one and answer the questions as they come. they get it in smaller doses that way and there is no shock factor.

i love my birthmother. never hated her a day in my life. she gave me a great gift, how could i hate her?

Answer 6

adoption is a very good option for a lot of people. Dont feel insecure about your decision, you loved him enough to realize that you couldnt provide him with what he needed.

Answer 7

Both sets of my rgandparents adopted my dad and uncle (mom's brother).  some people in the family didn't treat them well, so they didn't turn out alright.

My aunt adopted my cousins when they were older (7 and 4).  Both grew up to be great men.  They love their mom and we love them.  One owns a contruction business and the other retired from service in the U.S. Army and now runs his own consulting business.

Answer 8

As it turns out, my youngest cousin was adopted from China! She didn't know for a very long time but when she was nine she finally wondered why she looked different. Her parents told her that she grew up in a place far, far away called China. They told her that she did not have a great home there, her parents couldn't afford her. Now my cousin, Holly, is a lot happier. She knows she has a better life in America. I wish you luck with your son's reaction. Hopefully he will be able to understand! My best wishes.

Answer 9

I'm adopted by my grandmother ...

My mom loved me so much and she could not support me financially (She had 4 kids from previous marriage and I was born deaf and my birth father left)

My mom knew that her mother would be able to provide me better life and better schools for me ...

When my mom remarried and my oldest sister passed away and left 3 kids behind ... The father took the baby one and did not keep the twins (twins and baby both different father) ... My mom stepped in and adopted them ...

I did not find out I was adopted til I was 19 years old and yes, I was very upset about it ... I was torn apart for 2 years til I talked to my other sister and she explained how difficult my mom had to go through giving me up for adoption ...

Today my mom is close by and she is trying to bond with me better ... and yes I m still close to my mama that raised me ...

I know you have a very good reason to give him up for adoption cuz you knew you would not be able to support him financially and hopefully you will get to meet him one day and explain that you did love him very dearly ...

Is it an open adoption or a closed adoption ??  If you had chosen the open adoption you would have been able to see him or get any letters / pictures from the adoptive parents.

Answer 10

I was adopted by my aunt when I was born. My birthmom wasn't ready for a 3rd child and my aunt (legal mom) couldn't have kids. Yay me! My life is alot better than what it would have been if I wasn't adopted. I found out I was adopted when I was about 4ish. My biological sisters told me because I was all pissed that I was an only child. I'm happy I was adopted.

I also recently (last month) gave my 3rd child up for adoption and she was adopted by my cousins (pretty much the same situation). People kept telling me it would be the hardest decision I would ever make, honestly it was the easiest. I knew she was going to a great family and she would get the attention and care that she needs. I have a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and they occupy most of my time. So along w/ finances I was worried I wouldn't be able to offer my time evenly to all of my kids. So I knew it was the best decision I could make. She will be spoiled and love every moment of it.

When your son gets to age of questioning and eventually finds you to ask why you just have to explain to him the circumstances and that your choice was so he would be able to have the best life you could give him even if it meant not being with you.

Answer 11

I was adopted when I was six by a not so great family. However, I am not mad at my mom (my dad was put into prison) and I am a huge advocate of adoption. Adoptive parents are genrally loving and want a baby very badly. I know alot of adopted children who are truly blessed to have their adoptive parents. You made the right decision:)>

Answer 12

I was adopted just after birth.  I have always known that I was adopted and do not feel slighted.  The older a child/adult is when they find out the more difficult it will be on them.  Be secure in your decision and the family that you chose for him.  One day he may choose to have contact with you and you can explain your worries and concerns then.  Feel free to put a letter in the adoption file to him and to keep the file updated.  This is the first place he will go if he wants contact.

Answer 13

well I am adopted in my case it was for a awful reason that I had to be put up but if you have no finances or any way of taking care of him that was  a good decision becuase I am so glad i was put up for adoption becuase I am in a better life now and I don't have to worry about being hurt and also I actually graduated where if I would of stayed with my original parent I would of had to do what you had to do. well he will understand .he might ask you why and just tell him the trueth why you had to do it and I am sure he will understand. good luck

Answer 14

My husband and his two siblings all grew up always knowing that they were adopted.

My husband looks at it as a gift from his birth mother that she gave him a more stable life with two parents. Not a perfect life, but a more stable one than she could have given him. He met her when he was 30 years old and was thankful toward her.

I think a mistake is made if adoptive parents aren't open about the adoption from the start. My husband feels no stigma to being adopted, but if his parents had "hid" that information from him, he might have. Also, his brother and sister, though both adopted, happen to look like their parents. So when he was a kid, people used to say, "Oh, this one is adopted and those two are your REAL children." My husband was like, what am I, a cartoon? But his parents were always quick to say that ALL their kids were their real kids.

Answer 15

You have done 2 good things.

1. Not aborting your baby

2. Being mature enough to realize that the child would be better off adopted.

As long as the family gives the child plenty of love I doubt he will ever have any hatred for you. He may be upset and wonder about it but I'm sure it will be explained to him and I'm sure he will understand your sacrifice.

God Bless you!

Answer 16

I was adopted as a baby (6 weeks) and my adoptive parents never tried to hide this from me. It was a closed adoption and all I have are some family health records. I have never actually decided to try and find my birth mother, if I did want to it would simply be to get some updated family health information. I do not think adoption was the worst thing that ever happened to me and I do not hate anyone for it. If I had not been adopted then who knows where I would have ended up. I have a wonderful family with whom I am very close. The only issues I had as an adopted child were some personal identity issues in the teenage years, but who doesn't. It took me a while to figure myself out. And, I guess because I never knew anyone from my birth family and had no blood relatives that I knew, I always wanted children at a young age. I guess I felt like this would complete me, to have a family of my own. I am now 26, been married for 7 years and have 3 beautiful children of my own. Just know that you made the best decision at the time and place you were in your life.

Answer 17

You don't need it, but I'm going to throw in my 2 cents.  

My boyfriend is adopted and is probably one of the more stable men I've met in my life.  When a woman adopts a baby they are (generally) ecstatic and amazed at their fortune to have this wonderful bundle of joy in their life.  His parents were open with him from the beginning and kept a "firsts" journal like any other parent would.  This included his adoption certificate.  

All those movies out there that make it seem like a horror show for children to be adopted and find out are just plain wrong.  I agree that the child needs to know pretty much from the beginning, but all in all, when raised by a good, loving family they really don't care if they don't share the same geneological makeup.  

Don't worry about it.  The people who are speaking, I believe, are more the minority than the majority.  

All the best!

Answer 18

Adoption was the best gift you could give your son and his adoptive parents.  If you couldn't give him a home that he needed, then giving him to a family that so wanted a child and couldn't have one was a selfless sacrifice that he will understand as he gets older.  I just visited a family member who adopted a child, they could have been more joyful.  They have waited for years for a child and are so blessed to have been able to adopt this little one.  they are choosing to let the child know from the beginning that she was adopted to cut down on confusion and emotional stress later.  Don't be insecure, you did the best you could for your child, that's all any child can ask for.

Answer 19

My husband found out that the man he thought was his father really isn't. He was not upset that he didn't know his real father, just that he had been lied to. You did the best thing you could for your child. It's up to his adoptive parents to tell him that he's adopted. I don't think he will hate you, you gave him the change for a better life. If it were me, I would thank you for it.

Answer 20

i am not adopted, but i have a brother and a sister that are both adopted, and i am so glad that their parents placed them for adoption. they have enriched our family greatly. my brother won't ever know because he is severely handicapped, but my sister knows she is adopted and is grateful that we adopted her. she does not hate her bio mom, in fact she talks about her still (she is 16)

i think he will understand that you did what was best for him.. don't worry about what other people say, it was because you love your son that you placed him with a family!

Answer 21

Not adopted however I have been with children who have found the natural parents    If you explain why you felt it was best and  how you came to the decision   It is a great  

If you cry yell and blame the other parent  they will be more than happy to walk away

Open adopted children have it a little better  you keep a journal  of each yea,r you gave them up,  they can see you and the letter you sent is great to read as to where you where in the  missing process.  they feel secure about the  news

If the adopted family does tell the child until 18+ it is hard

in the fact they found out so late for some.. for others MOM and DAD are still MOM and DAD The birth parents are gift givers  

So please do not fear what you do not know you made a decision that you believe is a good one   I am willing to bet it was the right one  and your need not worry..

Answer 22

Don't you listen to those people that speak negatively about adoption!!  You did what you felt was the right thing for your son.  I was adopted at birth and had the best childhood any child could hope for.  I also reconnected with a birth brother and found out that growing up wasn't a "walk in the park" for him.  He was actually jealous of me and of the childhood I had.    

Your son will be grateful that you gave him every opportunity and were unselfish and thought only of his best interest.  I wouldn't be surprised if he looked you up when he is an adult.  

What you did took extreme strength and love. You remember that honey!!

Answer 23

My little sister is adopted.... she is my first cousin biologically. She has many health problems such as cystic fibrosis, ADHD, and learning delays. If she would have stayed with her mom (who recently had her other 3 children taken away for neglect) my little sister might not have been alive today. She deals with it fine but she also has a harder time fully understanding things. I think if it is what is best for a child it has to be done. You could have had an abortion or tried to raise him when you were not adequately prepared and he might not have the life he will be having with the couple you hand picked for him. Kids hate their parents for many reasons.... I would be fine with my child hating me for loving him too much.

Answer 24

This all depends on the child.

I come from a family with three adopted children and one natural child.

I am the only adopted child out of the three who cared to look for my birth family. My siblings have absolutely NO desire to find their roots.

Definitely do not feel insecure about your decision...you made the best and most un selfish decision anyone could make.

He definitely will not hate you.... he will just have a lot of questions. All adoptee's handle the situation differently but I do know that 90 percent have mental problems such as depressions and anxiety disorders.