Adoptees - If someone told you....?

Question

Hi Adoptees,

If someone told that your natural family never wants to hear from you, should you accept that without doing any research of your own? For example, say that an adoptive parent said they heard from a social worker who claimed to have heard from a member of your natural family, that when you are an adult, they don't want any contact with you then, should you accept that as accurate? Why or why not? What if it were an agency rep, social worker or intermediary telling you that, or other details of your natural family, should you accept their word as final? Why or why not?

Thank you for your thoughts on this!

Answer 1

No, I wouldn't.  First of all, agency reps, intermediaries, etc. have a notorious reputation for not having the adoptee's (or the n-parent's) interests at heart.  Reunions are NOT numero uno on their agenda.  

There have been stories of mothers actually contacting agencies, putting letters in the files for her relinquished child, and the agency conveniently "forgetting" to forward that on to the adopted person.  They lie, they omit, they don't always do what they're supposed to do.

In fact, with my own reunion, the agency told me it was my father who would not give up custody of me for 4 months, when in fact it was he who was pushing for the adoption all along.  So I almost paid them to search for HIM, and them knowing FULLY that he was the one who was instrumental in my adoption, and they were misleading me to believing that he was the one that wanted to KEEP ME.

They outright LIED TO ME.  And if I hadn't changed my mind and searched for my mother first, he would have rejected me right off the bat...no reunion.  End of story.

I would NOT believe ANYTHING until I heard it right from my natural relative's own mouth.  And if they confirmed it, then by all means I'd respect their wishes...but at least I'd know it was true, and not some agency rep telling lies.

Answer 2

I've never really thought about it.  I haven't had the desire to search for my biological parents in a long time.  

I don't trust my adoptive parents to tell me the truth about the color of the sky let alone anything important.  I probably wouldn't take that as the final word, but...

Personally, I would just let it go.  After all, they shoved me away for a reason.  They didn't want a baby, so why would I believe that they would want anything to do with a grown woman?

Answer 3

I would still look into it. People lie for there best interests. Also, people can also change- what may have been true 18+ years ago may not be true now.

Also, even if your natural family never wants to have a deep relationship with you, I think you (should) have the right to know medical info or other family history.

Answer 4

I wouldn't accept that at all. I think every adoptee has a right to at least know what kind of medical issues they should be worried about if any. If the "natural" family doesn't want contact, fine. But getting vital records for medical purposes in a necessity. I think it's c**p that you have to fight in court to get at least that. We have a right to know if there is a hereditary issue that could affect our health!

Maybe I went a little off the subject with that answer but I feel very strongly about things like that.

Answer 5

It would have to be in writing and available for me to see, signed and dated, for me to believe it.  This circumstance happened to my brother and once he saw it in writing he left it alone.

Answer 6

For clarification:  I am an adoptive parent.

I would not take anyone's word for it.  I'd hope you could be prepared for possible rejection...  but find out for yourself possibly by a letter or something.  And by rejection, I don't mean by you- or anything YOU did...  rejection of the situation behind your adoption...  you know?  What if your birthfamily changes their mind?  What if it was a lie?

If you are young, talk to your parents and see if they'd help.  This is something you don't need to go through alone.  

Best wishes, Kristy

Answer 7

Agencies LIE constantly.

I wouldn't believe it, ever, unless I hear it from the horse's mouth!

Answer 8

no but when found, if they say NO then we should accept it.

Answer 9

i am in this situation with my natural daughter as her husband has rang me and told me that she doesn't want any contact with me but i have forwarded to her my name address and phone numbers and my thoughts and hope that she will change her mind in the future.as to myself i am searching for my natural mother at this moment and hope she will want contact with me but if she doesn't i think that i will only accept this if it comes from a member of her family or herself and will keep going if any information comes from a third party

Answer 10

Nope. I was adopted and my adoptive parents told me that my parents didn't love us (my sister and I) and that they did not want anything to do with us. How can you tell a child this. For one, My birth mother has court records to prove she tried to get us back and well my father also tried to get in contact with us. I think that some adoptive parents>NOT ALL, but some get jealous that they are not biological. look into it some more.

Answer 11

NO. They may have been coerced to say that, depending when the adoption was. Time has a way of changing many things especially peoples feelings. You owe it to yourself to find out for yourself, if you in fact want to know. If it doesn't go well then you can back away. Some relationships start off rocky and smooth out later on. Maybe their sitting there waiting for you to come look like I was. I felt it was not my place to disrupt Rachael's life. Long story but she found me and I am oohhh so glad she did.

Answer 12

Did you think of me when you wrote this?  When my confidential intermediary told me that my natural mother refused contact, I was angry and hurt.  I began seeking natural mothers out and speaking with them especially the mother from the sixties.  I found some cold harsh realities.  Situations that my natural mother went through.  I realized how wrong I was to use the agency CI.  God only knows what she told my natural mother.  I don't know if she tried to get money off her. What if she humiliated my mother again?  What if she ticked my mother off completely?  If my natural mother is anything like me, I can see that happening  Its been known to happen in Indiana.  More often than not, they take your money and don't search.  I have heard from other adoptees from that same home where she told them the same song and dance as she has told me. I have heard stories where she actually discourages or deny the adoptee the right to search.  I found out that Indiana law allows the agencies and the vital statistics departments to define the law on their own.  The law in both the DCF handbook and in the law of Indiana state one thing but the agency and the Vital Statistics departments define their own way.  I began to really understand their pain.  I began to understand the humiliation that these women went through.  I have long since learned not to take the word of an agency CI or even a state sanctioned CI.  I refuse to believe a word that they say.  If she was even contacted I am sure that she was very scared and hurt.  Memories probably flooded her mind in a rapid rush of thoughts.  I learned a great deal about mothers.  I also learned a great deal about fathers as well.  Until I hear from her, I will continue to wait patiently as I think she has already found me.  I no longer judge her.  I just want to heal both of our wounded hearts.  I think in time we can do that.

Answer 13

Unless the family member filed a "no contact" notice, I won't take any second hand information or outdated information as the final word.  

What someone may have thought or said 20 or 30 years ago may not be true today.  If the information is recent but is not coming from the family member - I would still want it from the family member - I understand they may not want to tell me to my face or even over the phone, but they can write a letter.

Just as long as they know the door is always open on my end and they have my contact information if they should change their mind.

On the other hand - if I don't want contact, I would tell them directly and would expect them to honor my request.

Answer 14

Hi there. I am not adopted, but do know people who are.  If I was, I would definitly do Research on my own and not listen to anyone else. I would have to know some things about my Biological Family. Where they are. Medical reasons, for sure. Do you have more siblings. Alot to ask and if you feel you need answers, I would do the Research on my own. This is my own opinion, but I would want to know. If you want to know, you can find out.

Answer 15

I would not have believed them.  I might not have known what to do, but I would have wanted to hear it from them.

On a related note, my first mom tried to search for me several years ago, before I started searching.  The social worker she contacted (at the agency that handled my adoption) told her not to search.  She told my mom that many adoptees do not want to be found.

The presumption of anyone to speak for me really bothers me.  In this case, I was cheated out of a few more years with her.

Answer 16

If "someone" told me this, I would not accept it at face value.  First, it could be an out-right fabrication.  Second, it could be a garbled version of the truth.  Finally, time changes everything...when was this alleged message sent via the messenger?  And even if bparents are not interested in contact, that does not mean that other blood relatives are not interested either.  I think each adult should be able to make his/her own decision.

Answer 17

Absolutely I would NOT accept it. Reading through the answers it is easy to tell who IS and IS NOT adopted, and if they are, their age. When I was younger I still believed the status qua was there for my own good.  I am 50 now and have learned the status qua isn't there to protect me or either of my families, it is there to protect the government agencies from having to take responsibility for its own self interests.

The old saying applies: " If their lips are moving, they are lying." Discover your own truths. And respect what you find whether you like it or not.

Answer 18

i probably would at first. but after i thought about it i would barrel ahead. (lori calls me a bull in a china shop, go figure, pot calling the kettle black! LOL)

honestly, how can someone make a call on how they will feel in 18 years? i know i am a different person than i was 4 years ago, the things i felt back then are different now. maybe because of experience or maybe because of getting older. whatever it is, i cant trust the feelings a person had all those years ago.

not to mention the whole possibility of lies. that may never have been said at all. someone may have just chose to throw that out there to make it 'easier' on the adoptive family

Answer 19

No, I would not simply accept it.  The adoption agency lied to my adoptive parents about some issues regarding my natural parents.  It wasn't about whether or not they wanted contact, but it was lies about some other issues.  They later (MUCH later) admitted it.  So, the information I received from my adoptive parents was incorrect.

Aside from that, people change their minds over the years.  If this was accurate 30 years previous, how do I know how they feel now?  I don't and neither does anyone else.

I would still research.  Researching doesn't mean I'd opt for contact/reunion, but if I did I still have the right to make the contact.  If my natural parents said they didn't want further contact at that point, so be it.  But, at least I'd have known for sure whether they felt that way or not.

Answer 20

No I wouldnt accept it & I still would search. Things change over time for one and for two I would want to hear it from them.

When I went into my search I started with the mentality that perhaps my bmom has gotten on with her life, had kids and a hubby that didnt know about me. I wasnt there to disturb her life. I was there to get answers about MINE.

If after a phone call, she never wanted to hear from me again, I would accept it. Wouldnt like it, but would accept it.

I wanted MY answers. I deserved them. I had wanted over 20 years to get them, thats all I wanted. I wouldnt stalk her (even if she smelled nice) and would let her get on with her life.

I really think all adoptees need to go into a search accepting that, but I also think every adoptee deserves to know where they came from & how they came to be.

Answer 21

I think I would like to find out for myself and if my natural parents said they didn't want anything to do with me then so be it. :)

Answer 22

it doesnt matter what anyone else says or what they tell you. you should search for your real parents and hear it from them because people lie and make up **** all the time.

Answer 23

I will accept it, all my love and care is for my parents that raise me, and the facts speak more than the words, no matter is true or false that they said that they don`t want to see me, the fact is: they don´t want to see me for the rest of the life, thats is part of the decision when you put a child in an adoption institute.

Answer 24

No. Sometimes people aren't exactly truthful in these situations and one person can't speak for the whole family. Plus those feelings may change over the years. I feel adoptees have a right to know medical history, etc. that pertains to them. If the family member told me they didn't want to see me then I would respect that  but still want to know the medical history and anything else that pertained to my conception.

Answer 25

I think I would need further verification. I wouldnt continue my search, or even start it , before I knew for sure that the statement was true.  I would have to see it written on  some kind of legal document.  I definitly would not take the word of anyone else.My reason being that social workers and even attorneys were so sneaky, especially back in the day when my adoption took place (1960).  But  it would hurt me enormously  just to hear it . For that reason alone,  I would need to know how valid  the statement was.

Answer 26

No - I wouldn't accept it - I would carry out a search myself.

I wouldn't believe a thing - until I've heard it from the person themselves.

My bio sister - also an adoptee - filed a 'no contact veto' against all bio family - not knowing that she had a sister out there - also adopted out - me!

I tracked her down - and she told me that she only put the veto in place as her adoptive parents made up stories about 'horrible bio family trying to hunt you down and bother you' - so essentially it was a 'knee jerk' reaction of protection.

Her and I now have a wonderful relationship - so very happy that we have each other in our loves now.

And her adoptive father - still likes to cause problems all the time. He just can't accept that his adoptive daughter has two families - and won't allow her to love whomever she pleases.

He's a very controlling man. (being written out of the will - comes up in conversation often!!)

My sister is now 43 - and I am 38. And we're still treated like children by those that know no better.

There are far too many misconceptions in ADOPTION.