Adoption Dilemma?

Question

A few days ago I asked for help finding my daughter.

Haleluha - LaurieDB answered with remarkable results.

Now I have another for you since all of you were so supportive and helpful the first time.

My entire family says leave her alone. Do not try to contact her. They say I put her up for adoption and now I must live with my decision. My arguement to them is that the adoption agreement I made was for open communication, which they (the adoptive parents) never upheld.

I have lived with this aching hole in my heart for 20 years and not a day goes by that I don't think of Mariah(by the way they changed her name also, another promise broken).

I would like to hear from some parents who have adopted a child.

What do you think LaurieDB?

Answer 1

Your family is not her birth mother and doesn't know how it feels.

She's 20 now...an adult.  I would try and find her....I'm sure she is curious about you.

Maybe you could send her a letter with your contact info. That is not confrontational, she could read it at her own speed and have a private reaction. I'd bet she contacts you back.

If I were her, I'd want to know.  I don't know any adopted children who don't at least want to meet their birth parents. She may not be open to a relationship, but she'd at least want to contact you...I'd think!

Answer 2

I would absolutely pursue this to the ends of the earth, 20 years ago you were a different person.

I could only WISH that my mother who gave birth to me had searched for me, but sadly this was not to be ...

But PLEASE Be aware that she may reject you, do not be disheartened if this does happen, it is a normal issue that can happen.

I wish you the very best in your search and NEVER give up x

Answer 3

My oldest son's mom and I had to put up our baby for adoption. We did go through open adoption. I am holding my

paper work in my hand right now and it states: Adopting Parents by California State Law and By Fedreal Law, has the right to close all contact with biological parent/s if it can be proven that the biological parents are a danger to the adopted child/children.

I am not saying that you were a danger. What I am saying is that if these parents kept you out of the loop it is because they were in breach of the adoption papers. I am not giving

you a good arguement either. I am just giving you some answers to some why questions that you may also be having.

Now for the real delima. Go ahead make contact with her. Fill that whole up. Let her ask the questions to you and to her adopted parents. If you try to then it might make you look like a jerk in her eyes but, at the same time direct her to the research you have been doing to prove to her that you have been looking for her and have never gave up on it and never would have.

Good luck buddy and situations like this is why we keep in tight contact with our son's adopted parents even after 16 years. I'll put you and this whole situation in my Prayers.

Answer 4

My sister is adopted.  I recently searched for and found her birthmother for her.  It was a closed adoption, so I had very little to go on, but since she stayed in state, I was fortunate!  I had this same apprehension.  If I look for her and she doesn't want to be found, I was afraid she'd get hurt.  If I found her and she didn't want to know my sister, then my sister would get hurt.  My sister understood this, and wanted to procede.  I think since it was a semi-open/open adoption to begin with that you should contact her.  Leave it open ended and wait for her to respond.  (I talked to my sister's birthmom through her cousin for about a week...then she decided she DID want to talk to us directly.)  Now my sister has a fairly close relationship with her birthmom and her two half-siblings.  Not every adoption story has this happy an ending, but if you have the desire in your heart to try, then try.  The worst that could happen is that she says no.  However hard this would be, at least you'd have the peace of mind of knowing...

Answer 5

hmm did you have all your agreements in writing?? It would have been a good idea cause they can get in trouble for breaking them...good luck

Answer 6

why don't you email LaurieDB? In your questions list, open up your questions and find lauriedb. click on her name to be able to email her. I wish you luck in this quest.

Answer 7

Our grown adopted daughter (infant adoption) is a happy well adjusted person, mother, and wife.  Even so, she has had a curiosity about her biological parents--who they are, what do they look like, does she look like them, act like them, walk like them?  Your daughter is 20 years old and probably has a lot of questions that only you can answer.  As a mother of an adopted adult person, I would not be upset, fearful, hurt, or worried if her biological family tried to contact her.  As a mother who loves her more than life itself, I want all of my daughters dreams to come true--even that one.  Within hours of her son being born, she said to me with tears in her eye, "now I know someone who is biologically related to me".  She likes to say, "he has my smile" and he acts just like me.  I think your daughter probably feels the same way, even if she has had a good and happy life.

I think you should write her a heartfelt letter and give your contact information then leave the ball in her court.  I don't think you will have to wait long for her to contact you.

Answer 8

im not a parent of a adopted daughter but i m an adopted child.....i met my burth ma 3 times in my life..jus lastyr as a matter of fact..ya i wuz curious as to who she was what she does whether i look like her or not......i have never ever met my burth dad but would luv to to see the same ting..wut he does if i look like him and ask him all the good questions of WHY?!id luv to meet him..n i kno how much u wanna meet ur daughter..u did make the decison of putting ur child up but u have a right to see ur child eery so often to..i see my burth ma every so often and my burth grandparents alot...go fight for the rights of seeing ur child....if u sighned it on paper that is illegal wut they are doing to u.......good luk <3

Answer 9

She may not respect you for giving birth to her and giving her up for adoption anyway...

so believe that whereever she is, she is happy.

Answer 10

please don't stay away from her.  she never stopped needing you.  you are her mother.  please seek her out.

Answer 11

Maybe your daughter is curious about who her birth mother is and where she came from.  She's old enough to seek you out if you register and want to be found.  Good luck with making contact with her.

Answer 12

She is 20 years old.  Yes.  Send her a letter.

keep it simple and heartfelt.

Tell her you have always thought of her and if she is able you would like to see her.

If she does not respond or refuses - respect that - 100%

Answer 13

My daughter had a child when she was only 16 years old.  In the worst way she wanted to keep it, but finances and other issues didn't allow that to happen.  She did place the child up for adoption.  She is allowed to stay in contact with the adoptive parents and they do send my daughter pictures of the child's birthday and during the holidays.  My daughter is now 29.

Your child is of legal age and can also attempt to contact you if she wants to, but I don't feel you are invading the adoptive parents privacy now that your daughter is of legal age.  If your daughter was only 12 years old, I would recommend you back off, but not now.  You have paid your dues and as long as she is over the age of 18, go for it.  You also need to be prepared in the event she doesn't want to see you.  I know that would be devastating to you, but prepare for the worst and hope for the best.  Good luck.

Answer 14

Hi Amapanthergrl,

First let me say I am sorry you were a victim of the "open adoption" scam.  Not honoring adoption agreements is, unfortunately, way too common.  And I'm also sorry you do not have the support of your family.  Perhaps if you did, you might have had other options besides having Mariah adopted in the first place.  Fortunately, there are other places where support is available for you.

Your family does not appear to understand that adoption only means you do not have legal responsibility for your minor child.  It does not mean you stop loving your child or that you never want to hear from them ever again.  Your family does not understand that the pain of adoption never goes away.  Your family is not qualified to speak for how your daughter feels.  Most adoptees DO want contact with their natural families.  In any case, the only way to know for sure is to contact her.  You are both adults now so neither of you needs an intermediary to speak on their behalf.

Keep in mind that her adopted family could have told her anything about you and your circumstances at the time.  She may also have received inaccurate information from the adoption agency if there was one.  You have a right to tell her the truth.  She has a right to know the truth and to know you.  I'm guessing she will be happy to know that you wanted her in your life and that you still love her and that you have been looking for her.  I wish you & Mariah the best of luck.  If you have more questions or need any more help, don't hesitate to come back and ask.  There are many people knowledgeable about adoption on this forum.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 15

another unsuspecting victim of the "open adoption" scam...

bottom line: she's an adult.  her aparents do NOT OWN HER. if you wish to contact her, then do so. i would also prepare myself, if i was you, to deal with any lies and horror stories told to her, which caused the adoption to close.

i wish you the best.

Answer 16

People will discourage adoption reunions because of their own fears and secrets.

  

Sometimes friend are trying to protect you from hurt, but don't realize the "hurt" is always there and the reunion or finding out of information is the beginning of the "healing."

Adoption reunions can be very successful when approached with respect and kindness for the other persons privacy and feelings.

I found my birth mothers family @ 40 after 20 years of searching.  I found many answers about myself, talents, aptitudes, personality, etc. by learning about them.  At 40, I was a mother, no longer judged the circumstances, and understood that people in desperate situations have to do what they have to do to survive.

My BM was of a generation that didn't search or register.  When I met her she had dementia and it was too late for much of a relationship.

I found my BF and family members this year.  I have been able to get a lot of information about him through the web and understand who he was.  I will not contact them out of respect for his childrens and wifes memory of him.

My sister found her BM & BF at 20.  She did not know that she was adopted until she was 20.  She didn't have emotional baggage. They have a great relationship.  Her BM was waiting to be found.

My strongest advice is to not search with expectations of a warm and continued relationship.  At 20 she might still harbor anger, confussion, not know, or not have the maturity to be "understanding;"  but the knowledge of who you are will empower her for the future.

Search with the expectation of finding the knowledge to end the ache of the questioning in both in your heart and mind and hers.

Answer 17

I am an adoptee.  

I cannot speak for all adoptees, and I cannot speak for your daughter.

What I can say is that I wanted to know my first mom.  I searched for her and found her last year.  And that was one of the best moments in my life.  And it's still going on.

When I got my first letter from her, a couple of things in it made me extremely angry.  The thing relevant to your situation is that a social worker told her that most adoptees do not want to be found.  She had tried to search for me, and a social worker basically told her not to.  We lost more years because of that.

It may be that your daughter will want nothing to do with you.  But no one can know that until you try to contact her.  

I do know that I would have been thrilled if my first mom had contacted me.

What you need to do is to decide what you want to do.  Ignore your family.  They don't get to make this decision.  You do.  

Can you accept the risk of reaching out to her and her rejecting contact?  It might not happen.  But it might.  And you need to prepare for it.  If you are prepared for it, and if you cannot stand the thought of not contacting her (I know I couldn't), then by all means, try.  That's all you can do.

I know that I will be pulling for you all the way.  I hope it's good.  

Best of luck.

Answer 18

I am an adoptive parent in a semi-open international adoption.  

I think you can never know how your daughter will feel about contact unless you ask her! :)  I think you should contact her.  Some adopees and first parents in reunion may have more advice to offer about how to actually initiate contact, etc.  I've seen some good advice about that in other questions.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a successful reunion!

Answer 19

I just posted a question last night regarding finding my biological father, and LaurieDB was also very helpful to me...I just sent her an e-mail and I am hoping she will continue to be as helpful...as far as your question, as an adoptee, I would say to go forth in trying to contact your daughter. I was fortunate enough to grow up my whole life around my biological mother (my great aunt and uncle adpoted me at birth) and we have been really close for a long time. I am now searching for my father, and I can only hope that when/if I ever find him, that he will be as willing to meet me as you are to your daughter. Don't listen to anyone who tries to discourage you...ultimately it is your choice and I am sure that you are well aware that it may not end up how you wish...I think you have a right to search for her, afterall, you gave her life and nurtured her in your womb for nine months...I think that you need closure, either by meeting with her or by finding that she does not want to be a part of your life...either way, you will have an ending to your 20 years of heartache...I wish you every ounce of luck in the world that everything works out for the best...you sound like you really deserve it! =)

Answer 20

I have not adopted,however I really fell for you!

You do not have to "live" with your decision!

Maybe your family doesn't want you to get hurt!

There is always that possibility. She could be approached

very cautiously...and if you have a person that could be

your "go-between", then they could see if she wants to meet you or contact you! I really think it's a good idea!

If she wasn't treated well by her adoptive parents she could

take it out on you! I'm pulling for you!!!

It is worth everything to try!!! I am praying for your help!

Answer 21

leave her alone, your family is right. unless she tries to somehow contact you then you should have no part in her life, you gave her away now you have to deal with it.

Answer 22

It would have been the happiest day in my life if my mother had searched for and found me. For numerous reasons I waited until I was 36 before searching for her. We have a wonderful relationship and my only regret is not searching sooner.

Your family doesn't understand.

She's an adult - go ahead and contact her. But yes, be prepared that she could have been lied to regarding the circumstances - I was.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 23

Who cares what the parents think?  She's an adult!

I had to find my mother at 22.  Sort of bothered me that I had to look, but she said she was waiting for me to look.

Stop waiting, contact her (not her parents) now!