Adoption & child abuse...?

Question

My step aunt (who I am close to) has been approved to adopt a 4 year old little boy which is due to go ahead in September, everything was going smoothly when last week he was removed from his foster home for child protection reasons as his foster carers are being investigated for sexual abuse.

The little boy in question has shown no signs so far of having been abused, but I am worried about the impact on the whole situation if it transpires he has been abused. I am also in a bit of a panic because I have heard that children who have been abused, often try to abuse other children. I have 3 kids one who is older, one of which is the same age and another who is younger, and I am really nervous. I feel I can't talk to any of the family about this as I don't want to sound insensitive.

Answer 1

my little brothers were abused by a kid a few years older then them when they were 4 & 5, the little boy that abused them was in fact abused by his cousin which his parents didn't know until after the thing with my brothers was brought to the family's attention.... so there is an example of a victim/abuser,

however it is now 8 years later and neither of my brothers have had any sexual issues with anyone, in fact i don't think they even remember what happened..... so there is an example of two victims who turned out fine.

i wouldn't recomend leaving the kids alone together though, it is always better to err on the side of caution when it comes to our kids. i hope that the little boy wasn't abused, and everything with the adoption goes well!

Answer 2

if you are going to adopt any child you would have to realise that this child probably comes with a lot of emotional baggage(dont mean to sound cold) lots of children are abused and certainly dont become abusers just as lots of abusers werent always abused

Answer 3

This little tyke will need:

1.  Structure

2.  Consistency

3.  Supervision

4.  Play Therapy

5.  NO physical punishment whatsoever!

6.  NO shaming or blaming should he act out (and he likely will).

7.  To see examples for good boundaries around him.

8.  Given lots of patience.

9.  Given lots of activity in group settings.

10.  A family who goes to Family Therapy to learn how to deal with any possible acting out.

11.  Time -- to learn to trust adults again.

So how do you act?  The same way you would with any child.  Just don't go looking for acting out!  If you do, you will find it.  Just be observant, and pay attention, but don't smother this little one with stares, eagle eyes, etc.  Just pay attention, and give him some space to learn he is now with people he can trust.  People who will love him and not take advantage of him or hurt him.  That is a tall order for a little guy only four.

Answer 4

Remember that knowledge is power, especially for children. If he learns that what happened (if it did) was not his fault, he isn't in trouble, that it was wrong, and he never has to worry about it again in his new loving family, he should be fine. He just needs a lot of love and support. This means don't shove it to the side as if it never happened! It may also allow for open communication later on down the road.

Don't panic or be nervous, if he knows it was wrong, he will know it is wrong to do it to someone else. If he was not a victim, he still may have saw something happen, which means things should still be talked about.

Good luck.

Answer 5

you have to remember that its not the boys fault if it transpires that he was a VICTIM of abuse. the only way it would continue onto your children is if he thought it was normal and that everyone does it. not all children go on to abuse and i spk from experience. this boy deserves to go into a family who will show him love and not judge him on what happened to him. if he has been abused then he will have to live with that his whole life. he doesnt need judging.

Answer 6

You know this is actually a good question.

It has been known for children who have been abused to try and abuse others at a young age.

MY friend knew of a young boy (of nine and his sister 5) who started touching his sister in ways he shouldn't.

This was not because he had been physically abused, buy because he was around grown people who about sexual things.

It is hard to tell just what will make a child do such things.

It is not something people want' to have to talk about, or deal with.

Unfortunately it is something that can happen but I would not worry to much as it is pretty rare. .

I understand you are cautious but I would advise you have the benefit of the do wt, unless you see any evidence.

Concentrate on giving him all the love and affection he needs.

I hope this experience turns out be be a good one, as helping a child is going to be such a rewarding one if it does.

Good luck.

Answer 7

the child may or may not abuse others.  Monitor the actions of your children with him.  For example do not allow them in bedrooms with the doors closed or alone for longer than a few minutes.  It's not wrong to be cautious then everyone is protected and can feel safe.

Answer 8

That poor little boy. I hope it turns out that it is not true. This is a horrible thing to happen to a child. I understand your concern, but you shouldn't assume that he'll start to abuse your children.

He'll definately need alot of therapy and it would help if everyone was supportive of him. If your still concerned then just be watchful of the kids when they are together.

Answer 9

I have no experience of abuse either but if you cannot get the help you need from social services then there will be other people you can turn to, other health professionals maybe your GP could refer you to etc. The main thing is that at least you know what that little boy may have been through and so you can look out for signs or be aware and you'll also be in no doubt what you are saving him from and the difference you will be making to his life. At 4 years old any behaviour issues he may have can be dealt with, they are pretty innocent at that age and with time and patience you should be able to overcome any problems he has.

Answer 10

I can't speak from experience but common sense tells me that your Aunt will be given guidance and support from whichever agency she receives him from.I am sure that by law she has to be told everything she needs to know about him.There must be some web sites that give advice on how to handle abused children.Regarding your own fear concerning your children,it is understandable.Probably the best way round it is to discreetly be with them when in his company at least until you know the situation.You sound a sensitive ,caring person so I am sure you will be able to handle the situation.Good luck.

Answer 11

That is quite a touchy subject. Maybe just wait & see how it all turns out. THen once he is with your aunt just see how he acts and is. I wouldn't expect him to be himself for a few weeks maybe months. Just try to treat him like family, be sensetive and understanding and look out for your children. Your right, he could take his anger out on someone else, but anyone could really, his fuse could be shorter, he could be sesetive, angry, passive, agressive. YOu just don't know & thats what would scare me the most ( if anyone came into my family) and I did not know them I would be protective & on guard but be nice and treat him like family as best you can. Good Luck.

Answer 12

Don't look for answers on a chat board, were you dropped as a small child?

Answer 13

I know you're worried about the safety of your own children, but it's not true that every child who is abused turns into an abuser.

Even if the child does not show signs of abuse, the best thing for him would be to have some counseling. Even if he wasn't actually abused, he may have seen abuse occur, which is most definitely a traumatic experience.

As for your children, you need to make sure you have an open relationship with them and make sure they know they can come to you no matter what. If you teach your children about abuse, they are less likely to be abused.

I can tell you from personal experience that I was in the same situation, the only difference is that I was the sexually abused child. I got counseling when I was a child, and now I'm a normal and healthy adult with a child of my own.

I've never even had a thought in my mind about abusing somebody else because I know how much it hurt me, and I learned that through counseling.

I hope that helps you, at least a little bit.

No matter what happened to this little boy, he needs all the love he can get.

Good luck to you all.

Answer 14

abused children can be a bit in your face comes from deep down anger..............i think you should not be looking after

a foster kid if you are nervous because kids pick up on that

Answer 15

that boy can over come his problems. he needs love, and to be taken care of. and god willing he will be fine. i would not over react over it. its not his fault that he might have been abused. just be nice to him and treat him as another family member.

Answer 16

I was put into foster care when I was one and was later adopted. My parents (adopted) have been foster carers for 27 years and there has been some things beyond imagination that have happened to children.

Going off my own experience:

1)  It was very hard to get attention because the other kids may have needed it more. Make sure you let your kids know how much you love them and spend quality time with them. I'm not saying you don't already, but make it EXTRA special.

2)  As much as you love your children if there is ever an arguement between them sit them down and talk about it. Jealousy can become a factor.

3) You are not unsensitive to be thinking about the welfare of your own kids. You are just being a good mother!

4) You will probably find that the foster child is quiet for a few days. Strange environment, strange people so just try and introdue playtime asap.

I don't know what else I can tell you really. If you got any questions just e-mail me. I hope what I have told you helps!

Good Luck! x