Adoption ethics?

Question

This is a touchy subject for me...well here goes. My mother was an adopted child. One of the ones that were "left in a basket" literally. Ive asked my mothe if she ever wanted to know who her real mother and father were and she says no...I am not trying to go against my mothers wishes for her but for me...call me selfish if you want but i want to know what my real grand parents are like....if they live in a trailer are they middle class, are they upper class. Ive always just been curious to know.

Where would be the best place to find information like this? Yes i know my chances of finding them ar 1 - 1000000000000000000 but at least I have a chance.

Answer 1

I don't know if I'd call your curiosity selfish, per say, but  I don't think it's a real good idea.  Nor do I think that they'd open records for the grandchild, unless perhaps you had a medical reason to search out your mom's birth family. You could also destroy your relationship with your mom if you do this against her wishes. Think about that before you try this.

Answer 2

your mother probably doesn't want to know cause how could someone be so selfish as to leave a baby in a basket somewhere, her mother probably had the best intentions at heart but went about it the wrong way.  If you pursue this you could be opening up a can of worms against your mothers wishes.  Let sleeping dogs ly, if your mother is happy and doesn't want to know then leave it be.

Answer 3

Be careful because you might be opening up a huge can of worms.  You may find your bio grandparents, but what if they want to know your mom?  Then what?  You said that you want to know your "real" grandparents.  The truth is that the "real" comes from being there and being involved in your life.  The grandparents that you have in your life now are your "real" grandparents.  

While I do understand the desire to meet your bio-grandparents, perhaps they don't want to be found either.  I know that there is a natural curiosity to your search but my question would be this....Your desire to meet your bio grandparents vs your mother's desire not to.....what is more important to you?  

I recommend respecting your mother's wishes, and perhaps there will come a day where she will change her mind and the two of you can search together.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 4

you are NOT being selfish. It IS your history too, and you have EVERY right to search. Infact, adoptees records are opened after 100 years in most state SO that the children of the adoptees can access them and know where they come from.  

Unfortunately your mother doesn't have any record of her abandonment. I would try www.ISRR.net did she have a note left with her that said her age, birthdate, anything? do you know the state she was abandoned in? Start with the state, find black market adoptions or search angels in that state ans see if that can help you. Maybe even an add in the paper of the city she was left in to see if anyones looking.

Or maybe you could research the hospital records in the city she was born at and see if someone gave birth to her, although the HIPPA privacy act wouldn't allow that.... hmmm...theres got to be a way to find the information from a hosptial SOMEHOW. Assuming that is she was even born at a hospital. Does she know her age when she was abandoned? I would DEFAINTELY check newspapers around that time, her mother may have left a clue in one about her love for her child and wishing her well or soemthing in a newspaper notice. You can check those archives at your library.

wish you luck, never give up, theres ALWAYS A WAY. Do register w/ the www.ISRR.net

Answer 5

I understand your desire to find out about your roots but think of your mom.  Adoption is very much a balancing act, weighing the needs of the adopter with that of the adoptee.  If you go adding another dimension to it then who knows what will happen.  As adoption records are sealed anyway the only possible way to find out would be to ask your mom.

If you know the adoption agency involved then you could write to them and leave a note for your grandparents but this would only work if they contacted the agency too.

Answer 6

Well if this is not a Pandora's Box I dont know what is.  To go against your mother is not a good idea.  Besides I do not think that you have any legal connection to gathering informatoin.  I would imagine only the adoptee can receive this information.

Answer 7

I can assure you with remarkable authority that you will want to leave this issue alone.  Having said that, the issue is not that she was adopted, which would have left a paper trail of some sort.  The issue is that her actual parents were not present at the time the paperwork was generated.  If she was left in a basket, then the pediatrician would have had to assume a birthdate/time.  There would be literally NO information, NO documents linking your mother's parents to the birth.   Your only real option would be to post a query in the town where she was found asking for information  -- information which could be over 30 years old.  I identify with her wishes and hope that you can come to terms with not knowing your biological (not necessarily "real") grandparents.

Answer 8

Listen to these peoples' answers. They are "right -on!"