Adoption name change?

Question

I am curious, if when adopting a child is it standard to change his/her name. We are looking into adopting a child between 2 and 3 and as silly as it is I am worried that I will hate their birth name. One child was named Diamond'ique. I think this is a terrible name. It is the name of a fake gemstone. Any thoughts on this? Is it detrimental to change a childs name when they become part of your family?

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Answer 1

It's a good question. A child that age already knows her/his name and a change could be detrimental to their sense of self. Being separated from their birth parent is confusing, complicated and traumatic enough, why deprive them of the only continuity they have? If you hate the name the child was born with (I agree, the example you gave is awful), why not just use a shortened form or nickname instead of making a major change. If you rename the child, chances are they will re-change their name on their own when they grow up (even changing it back to their original birth name as a way to reclaim their true, original identity), so if there's going to be any name changing, why not let the child do it on their own, at their own pace, to a name of their own choosing. If the name is truly hideous, still keep it but use it as the middle name so the child has a choice which name to use when they get older. Hope that helps!

Answer 2

That's a tough one.  At the ages of 2 and 3 they already know their name.  Is it possible for you to just change the spelling, length to get something that's more acceptable to you?  Like change it to Monique and slowly start dropping the Diamond off.  Or change it to something that sounds similar like Diane.

Answer 3

I was adopted at 2 years old and already had a name, but it got changed upon adoption.  I was quite unhappy about it, and even brought it to the attention of my parents once or twice while growing up.  I finally just ended up having it legally changed myself.

A person's name is part of his or her identity.  It's not about anyone else after that name has been given.  I can't say I'm fond of the name Diamond'ique, either, but it's hers.  She can do with it as she pleases as she ages.  

Even if a child doesn't like his or her given name, he or she can go by a nickname or by his or her middle name.  I had a friend years ago who didn't like his first name or his middle name, so he went by a derivative of his middle name, starting at age 7.  The point here is that it was HIS choice to go by the derivative name.  

Upon adoption, so much about a child's life changes, including much of his or her identity.  Please allow your daughter-to-be to have some control over her own identity by letting her keep her name.

Answer 4

alot of people change their names

Answer 5

im not an adoptive parent yet, but i hope to be in the not-too-distant future. i dont plan to pursue a domestic infant adoption, and i assume the child my husband and i adopt will already have a name. although i would love to name them myself, i wouldnt unless they asked for a name change. as far as last names go, if they're old enough to oppose having a name change, i would keep their given last name as well. if they wanted our last name, they would have it. if they're not old enough to decide, then they'll have both, and can choose to keep them both or just choose one in the future.

Answer 6

I read in an article that after the child is 8 months old it starts to recognize it's name.  If you want to adopt a toddler and are interested in changing the name, an option I've heard is to give them a new name but call them by both names.  Eventually you will drop the birth name (Lois would be Kaylee Lois and eventually just Kaylee).  Most people that I've talked to have kept the original names of their adopted child, but as the parent, it's your decision.

Answer 7

Well I can see what the problem is but since they are getting older so it could defintely confuse them for sure. They are just getting to the age where they actually understand what you mean when you call out that funny word, their name. So I would not really recomend it. Why dont you just keep the name but give her a nickname like Diamond or Diane or Dia? It still leaves her name alone but also changes it for you! See my first name is Jessicamarie and now its shortened to Jess. So just keep it and shorten it to a nickname like me. And also I may be adopting a little boy named Jacob and if I dont like his name I will just call him Jake. So dont change her name!

Answer 8

I think you should be working on accepting the child unconditionally for who she is and what name she comes with. Changing the name in my opinion is a violation of the child.

Answer 9

I agree with another poster that you have to consider that sometimes the name is all a child has or owns. And I do think it could be detrimental for the child. No doubt the name you mention is not one you'd pick...me either. But in adoption you have to be willing to accept the "whole child" for who they are and embrace the things that they do have.

Answer 10

Changing a name would depend on many factors when you adopt a child.  If you adopt a child from another country you may want to change the first name to something more to your liking or pronunciation skills, but you could allow them to resume some of their own identity by leaving their middle name (use current first name).  If you are adopting a young child (I would say younger than two) I believe changing their name will not be a big idea.  Older children fall into their own categories.  Either allow them the choice of changing their name (if old enough) or call them by the name you choose as a nickname until old enough for them to make the decision.  Remember, that during certain ages the name of a child is a part of their identity, changing that may be very confusing for them.  When you are adopting you are already taking a child into a totally different situation, allowing them time to adjust to your lifestyle, home, and new name might be worth a little extra time.

Answer 11

As a general rule, I don't believe in changing an adopted child's name, especially if the child is old enough to know their name.  Our children were adopted from overseas and have names that are considered unusual in America.  They don't have any problems in school with regard to teasing.  

I believe that a name is part of a person's identity and should be left alone, in my opinion.

I might feel differently if a child were named something truly abhorrent, like "Dog p**p" or something like "Spongebob Squarepants."  I know that there are some parents who almost name their children maliciously.  Different scenario and I don't think it applies here.

Nothing wrong with Diamond'ique, in my opinion.

Answer 12

Most people do change the child's name.

Answer 13

I can only state my opinion on this having given a child up for adoption.  By the time a child is 2 or 3, they are used to answering to their name.  Changing it can only harm the child.  They have to learn a new name all over again.  Yes, they're young, but it can still be traumatic for them to have to adjust to being called something completely different.

Also, if the name came from the birth mother, I would find it an even more devastating blow to no longer have that little tie.  I mean, I knew I wasn't ready to be a mother.  I wasn't capable at that time in my life to raise a child.  But I still wanted the best for my son.  I can only hope that one day, he finds me.  But it would be that much more hurtful to know that the name on his birth certificate was changed.  I willingly gave him to another family.  But he had his name even before he was born.  If he has a different name, it would be the last tie to my son destroyed.

Answer 14

who cares if you don't like their name?  it's the only thing they will have left!

as an adopteee, my name has been changed.  i'm on my 4th name now.  and yes, i resent it.

Answer 15

I think at an age 2/3, It is best to keep their name. It is apart of them and changin their name at suce an age, will confuse them.

I was adopted at birth, so My parents kept my birth name as a middle name. I had abit of them and abit of my birth family. I think thats a nice and descent thing to do, but not at the age of the kids your going to adopt.

Answer 16

This is some information I came across on the internet. The questions were apparently asked to a lady named Rose who then answered the questions. I hope I've helped

Naming your child can be a difficult decision to make for any parent. When you are considering a name for a child you are adopting who already comes with a name, either given to the child by his or her birthparent(s) or by someone in an orphanage, the decision can become more difficult, often involving unfamiliar people and cultures.

Prospective parents sometimes struggle over whether to keep a name that was already given to a child. Many questions will run through their minds:

    * If I decide to keep the child's given name, should it be their first name?

    * Should it be their middle name?

    * What if it's not a name that I or my spouse like?

    * How will a birthparent feel if I do or don't keep a name?

    * How will my child feel?

    * How might I feel about naming my child?

    * What are my traditions?

    * What about the traditions of my child's culture?

Questions & Answers

Question: Rose, what's the general feeling about changing a toddler's name? Is there a particular age at which it isn't such a good idea?

Rose: I think you need to look at each situation. I would say at the point that a child can communicate you might want to rethink changing his or her name. Developmentally, kids might be the same age, but at different stages. I can tell you that a family who adopted a four year old decided to keep his name, and I saw that as very appropriate.

Question: Do you have any input from adoptees who have had their names changed? positive or negative?

Rose: I've heard of both reactions. It's really individual. We just had an adoptee present at a home study group. She spoke of feeling real jealousy of her cousin who was also adopted, whose parents kept his Korean name as his middle name. Her parents did not keep any part of her given name.

Question: Is there any common thread you see in families that do or don't keep the birth name, even as a middle name?

Rose: I think it's more related to a deeper issue of their parents' comfort with the child's history and culture. Maybe it's hard for the parents to deal with the fact that this child is not exactly like a child who might have been biologically related.

Question: What if we, parents, really have an aversion to the child's birth name? He's 2 1/2 and still in-country.

Rose: I'm thinking if the child is still in-country, it might be possible to ask whoever is caring for the child to introduce his new name to him. Although, I think if you could hold onto his given name in some way that it would mean a lot to him, and it would also mean a lot to his birthparents. Even if he had been named by an orphanage, it's still part of his history. Keeping the name as a middle name is a nice option, as is coming up with a variation on the name. When he's older he might decide he wants to be called by his middle name. I'm thinking as an adolescent, identity issues come up.

Comment: The original name is one of the few pieces of original identity adoptive parents can give their child so it's nice to have even as a middle name. I like the idea of suggesting to the foster parents that they start letting him hear the name - get used to the sound of it.

Rose: I think if the child were a little bit older it might be harder for him, although I know of someone who was adopted from Korea at age 6 whose name was changed by her parents, although they kept her Korean name as a middle name. She speaks of really liking her name.

Question: What about an older child adopted domestically whose safety may require a name change? How do you explain it?

Rose: Depending on her age, she might be at the age where a discussion can be had with her. You can talk to her about her situation and how serious it is and that you need to protect her. In that though, I'm thinking an older child might want to have some say in what her new name would be. It sounds like a very out of control situation for her and having a part of naming herself can give her some sense of control over some parts of her life.

Question: What about letting children choose their own names more generally?

Rose: Well, that can be good and not so good. What if you hate the name the child picks? Or worse, what if they want to name themselves after a cartoon or superhero? I think as the parent for a young child who hasn't yet identified himself with the name given at birth that ultimately you are the parent and part of that is naming your child. It connects you to this child. It's something that you give your child that stays with them. A birth name carries a lot of weight for adoptees. It's who they are from before they were with their adoptive parents. It's their history.

Question: Is anything special needed when a child starts the "You aren't my real mother" stage and adds on, "and don't call me (adoptive name), my name is (birth name)?"

Rose: I'm sure there are smart kids out there who do that. They know what buttons to push and take it to the limit. But I might want to talk more to my child about it if it did come up - maybe not in the moment, but later, revisit it and ask about how they feel about their birth name, validating the child's feelings that he or she is different, but loved by his parents and always their child and a part of the family.