Adoption or biological child???

Question

I have a 3 yr old bio daughter and 1 yr old bio son. I have always said I'd have two children, and adopt a third. So we started our homestudy when my son was 5 mo. old. I got cold feet on the adoption AND wanting a third child so we stopped and on with life we went, thinking we were done.

Until recently when we decided that we wanted a third. Joey is now 14 months and we've decided its time to start TTC #3. And now, I have this adoption "urge" in my head and heart again. I can't fight it. But I am petrified of it. I am afraid that if we have a third bio child, then I'll never adopt. I'm afraid I'll adopt a child and won't feel the same way as I do about my bio children. I'm afraid that my bio children won't "fit in" with our adopted child. I'm afraid I will s***w up my life, and all 3 of my children's lives. My husband remains open to the idea, EXCEPT that he is adamant that we can't afford adoption right now, which is NOT true. Will it be tough? Absolutely but we can do it. Help!

Answer 1

I have one son who is adopted... we always knew we wanted to adopt, and be foster parents. It just happended that we adopted before we have had any bio children. Your love for your bio children and adopted children will be the same... they will all be your children. If you are still unsure of your self or how it will affect your family... maybe look in to foster to adopt.. through your local children services... you will have a child placed with you and you will get to know the child and see how the child fits with your family. then if the child is unalbe to go home and is up for adoption you will be the first ones they ask. They also try to match you with a child that will fit into your family. If you only want a infant it can happen, Our son was a fosterchild and came to us when he was jsut 4 weeks old.  Most off all you have to listen to your heart, head, and husband.

Answer 2

Yeah, I don't agree with Joslin's view about "children shouldn't scare us." I am 31 weeks pregnant with my first child, and the pregnancy was unplanned (I was on birth control), and the father turned out to be very dishonest, and now I'm a single mother right out of the gate. I have a lot of fears, and anxieties about everything from finances to raising a child in this day in age when everyone seems so "about themselves", but I know at the end of the day, my fears will turn into motivation, and I'm going to prove every single parent wrong that every said their child turned out to be a "thug" or "unappreciative" 'cause they didn't have enough time to spend with them.

Now, on to your anxieties. It's completely normal. But, I have to wonder that since you're really scared about the whole deal, why don't you wait on both for a while. Let the dust settle. You're little ones are still little. Are you worried you don't have time bc of your age or something? Could you see yourself being happy with just two children? Remember, life changes on a daily basis, and sometimes our views change. Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, right? So what's to say that you HAVE to adopt of biologically have another child. Ask yourself what makes you so set on having that third child, and why. In the meantime, enjoy the time you have now with your husband and children. Your husband sounds like he's stalling on the idea, and using finances as an excuse. Or maybe he's legitimately worried about it 'cause he sees with two how difficult it is. It's important for the health of your relationship to fully understand where he's coming from, and take his views into account.

Good luck!! I hope all turns out the way you plan.

Answer 3

You have stated many legitimate concerns.  Many people adopt once the biological children are older and can help out and understand more about what is going on.  As you said, this can have adverse impacts on all of you, including the adopted child. It is a huge undertaking so everyone should be completely positive about it, especially you and your husband.  Just considering it is not good enough. When you are really ready, you won't have to get on a web site and ask other people's opinions.  If hubby is coming up with lame excuses, then he clearly is not ready in his heart or head.  Pushing him into kid #3 puts a lot of pressure on him to provide and takes his time away from the 2 he has already fathered.  Kids can ruin a marriage if one parent isn't really ready for them.   Enjoy the family you have  now and wait until your son starts kindergarten.  The more attention you can lavish on him right now, the better he will be prepared for school and the smarter he will be.  Once the kids are out of the house for part of each day, assess how you feel about having a bit of free time.  If you really want to fill it with nurturing another child, then adopt. I know people who have adopted once their bio kids went off to college.

Answer 4

I have an 8 year old bio daughter and a 7 year old bio son.  We adopted our third child when he was 3 years old.  

I totally understand your concerns about whether you will feel the same about your adopted child as you do your bio children.  I was a mom to my bio kids for 6 and 7 years before my youngest son came into our lives.  I loved them SO MUCH.  I wondered if I could love another child...especially one that had already been raised by a birth mom and then a foster mom for 3 years.......as much as I already loved my other two children.  The answer to my own question is A MILLION TIMES YES!  

There is honestly no difference in the magnitude of my love for my three kids.  It's amazing, but I totally forget that we adopted all the time!  

I loved being a mom to my first child, my little girl, so much that I worried that I could love my second child, my son, the same.  Well, I love him differently....because he is a boy and I can't take him shopping for shoes and whatnot.  BUT, I certainly love him just as much.  

A mother's love isn't DIVIDED amongst her children.  It's MULTIPLIED!  GO FOR IT!  = )

Answer 5

Follow your heart.  The adoption process is not very expensive until you have been chosen by a birth mom and you have stated your intentions to adopt that child.  That is when the majority of the money changes hands.

Answer 6

I can speak from the perspective of an adoptee who was raised in a home where my adoptive parents also had a biological child. It was very difficult for me. I always felt they loved him more and I feel strongly about not mixing bio and adopted kids.

That being said, you say you don't want the sleepless nights that come with an infant. So are you planning on adopting an older child? If so, you need to look into issues that surround older child adoption such as attachment disorders and learn about them before you make a decision.

And ask yourself what is driving your adoption urge?

Answer 7

i  love kids im going to have as much as i can with having them and adopting them.

Answer 8

If you are confused, now is not the time for adoption.

Answer 9

Go for it...You'll love and connect with the adopted child just as well as you do your bio kids.  Your bio kids will connect with an love the adopted kids just as much as if you had another bio.

We had two bio sons & adopted two daughters.  They act just like siblings born into the same family.  We also do foster care & have a teen in our home as a foster daughter...she blends in perfectly, too. :-)  We're one big, crazy, happy family.

There is an adoption tax credit with the federal govt.  Go to http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html to find out more info.  There may also be a state tax credit & you can contact your state dept of revenue to find out if there is one.  You can apply for grants & do fund raisers, too, to come up with the money to adopt.

You can adopt from the foster system.  You can do a private domestic adoption or an international adoption.  There are different benefits & drawbacks of each...as well as wait times and expenses...only you can decide which is right for you.

I wish you the absolute best!  Lay your worries aside & go for it.

Answer 10

Start TTC again, and leave the adoptable babies to the couples that can't concieve.

Answer 11

My friends adopted their 3rd child.  The first 2 children are biological.  She has told me that there is NO difference in her love for her new son versus her bio son and bio daughter.  And he just fits right in so perfect.  It's beautiful.

Answer 12

I believe you just answered your own question...

Answer 13

Instead of adopting a child that you don't know yet or being picked from an expecting mother you should try foster care- it allows you and your family to meet the child and live with them and it is not always permanent. This gives you the chance to bond with the child and your family to bond with the child- you just have to prepare yourself in advance that it could not work out- As well as, you get "paid" for having foster kids- although it is only enough to provide for them, if even depending on some states.

My husband is the second oldest of 13 kids- 5 natural, 5 adopted and 3 in foster care. The 5 adopted ones are all previous foster kids that were in their home.

I have the same fear-- we plan to adopt and foster after my husband is out of school and we have had our 4th.

Answer 14

I can answer your question very easily -- you are not ready to adopt.

Your husband is "open to it" (not enough!)

You are "afraid" (child should excite us, not make us afraid)

You have "cold feet" (there should be little hesitation)

You are "petrified"  (a child scares you?)

Your husband is "adamant" that you can't afford adoption (and would eventually take this out on the child!)

Please look at the emotion and sentiment in your words.  The words we choose speak volumes.  Yours are negative.  Don't make a child suffer the consequences of your fear.  Don't burden a child with high expectations.

If you want another child, get pregnant.  I am afraid this is the only child you would be able to fully accept.

Answer 15

If you feel so strong about it then adopt there are so many children out there that need homes and it sound like you really want to to it. The adopted child would fit in with you and your family and i doubt you would feel any different about he/she than you do your bio children go with your heart.

Answer 16

I am an adoptive parent. You need to resolve your issues before adopting. My adoptive son is my son- period!

When you get to that point then you are ready.

Believe me they will known how you feel.

Answer 17

Your fears are all very normal for anyone in the position of trying to decide whether or not to adopt a baby. The one difference is that most often people in your position tend to not have the choice between whether to adopt or get pregnant. They usually are thinking of adopting because they are unable to have a biological child. I think what that means for you is that the decision and all the dilemmas are even harder. It's not just a question of whether to have a child but whether you want to have the child be an adopted child or not.There are many reasons that people adopt children and the most common one is that it's the way they can have a family. You may need to explore more deeply why it is you want to adopt a baby. I believe (from experience) that it will be very easy for you to love the child as much as you love the children you ahve now. It's a common fear but, i've never heard of it happening. Babies need their mothers and you will feel that this baby needs you and you will fall in love with this baby just as you did the ones you gave birth to. Love is not about biology or genetics -- it is about being there for each other and for mother and baby it is about taking care of the baby and living with the baby.

You may s***w up your life by having a third child but that is always a risk. Being a mother now, I think you are very aware of the risk and how much is at stake. But that is not really an issue that is specific to adoption. You could give birth to a third child and your life could get just as screwed up as if you adopted the child. Or of course, it could go the other way and the third child that you have or get could be amazing in ways that you can't even imagine now and the lives of your family could be enriched beyond belief.

I think many people who want children, want more than one child. But once you have 2 children, it is hard to rationalize why you should rock the boat and have more. Years ago people had big families and that was the norm. Now having 2 children is considered a perfectly complete family and it takes a lot of thinking to decide why or whether to have more.

If you adopt the 3rd child, that child will be more different than the 2 you have now than they are from each other. That will and can be both negative and positive. The child will look different, sound different, have different likes and habits and talents.

When we had the naming ceremony for our 10 day old son that we adopted -- my husband said, "One thing about having an adopted child is you don't know what their limits are. Who knows? Maybe this child really will grow up to be a major league baseball player!!!"

I've got to end now because my 17 yr old biological daughter needs the computer.

good luck in your decision!