Advice about marrying during college?

Question

Been with my bf for a little over 2.5 years now. I'm 24 and he's 26. We've been living together for over 1.5 years. We want to get married; went out and picked rings already. We were planning on getting married in March or April 2009, but not have children until after I'm done with college in about 1.5 years. However, my dad thinks that we should wait until I'm done with college. He says that after marriage, the way you think changes. And he doesn't want being married to interfere with my studies. I don't understand how that works; can anyone explain that to me?

More background on us: My parents like him, and his parents like me. I don't think that we're too young. We both have had quite a growing experience by moving away from our parents in Cali to start new lives for ourselves in WA. My bf makes a good living as a well-paid plumber, and he already bought a condo (which we're currently living in). I make a decent amount as a part-time office assistant and beauty consultant. We already have our finances figured out with a joint account for bills and such, which we both contribute to. And we also have separate bank accounts for our personal spending.

However, my dad is still paying for my schooling. It's just much easier for him to do it than for me to fuss with financial aid and student loans. But really, his biggest concern is that he wants to be sure that I'm going to finish school and get a degree (which I want to do anyway).

So with all that info, can anyone help me figure out why my dad thinks the way he does?

P.S. Both he and my mom didn't make it to a high school level education in their country, but they worked hard to become successful business owners. I understand that he doesn't want me to have to work as hard as they did, though I do think it'd be better for me if I did instead of being spoiled.

Answer 1

As long as you can afford taking over the payments for school once you are married, go ahead and get married. You and your new husband would then be responsible for your schooling at that point, not your dad. You should not expect, nor ask, your dad to keep paying.

Answer 2

Dear Midnight.  I can tell your daddy loves you and wants the best for you, and you love him too.  That is the best.  It is hard to know what your daddy is meaning by all of this.  I finished college before I decided to wed, but I finished college at the age of 22.  And, if daddy is paying for your schooling, then he is supporting you to some extent, and he would have some say so in all of this.  I would not want to cross him, since he is your daddy and means well.  I would have a heart-to-heart with him, and explain to him how you feel, and what your plans are.  Ask for his blessing.  If he does not give it to you, then you have to ask yourself if waiting a little while longer before getting married is something you can do.  You are living together anyway, so in the eyes of our Lord, you are in fact married.  And, in some States, you would be considered common law married, if you live together for more than six months, share a bank account, or meet some other criteria.  So, you might already be married, even though you have not had the ceremony yet.  And, in the eyes of our Lord, you are married, you know.  I hope my little advice and counseling helps you, my dear sweet friend.

Answer 3

Ok. I think you've answered your own question. You are 24 and still in college. Your dad is paying for your school. When you get married your husband is supposed to take up those responsibilities. Let Dad continue to pay, I promise he will pull his hand back if you two marry. My advice...Don't do it. Wait until after you graduate.

Oh Yeah. Your dad hasn't lived on the Earth with no drama. He knows the pressure of not having a good education. Not saying that you won't finish. Just don't rush the marriage. There is a time and place for everything. Let your parents be parents. They know that the minute you say I do, their job is done; you cease to be their little girl. You become His wife.  

Answer 4

Parents always want their children to have it easier than they had it. Regardless, when you get married is ultimately up to you and your husband to be. My friends who got married in college actually ended up getting better grades. :-) Instead of partying and staying up late, they were home studying and going to bed at like 10.

And if you don't like being spoiled and you really want to work hard, tell your dad you can't accept anymore of his money. You really shouldn't after you're married anyway...gotta cut the purse strings some time.

Answer 5

when you are married your thinking goes from "me" to "we." when your married you have to do things that are in best interest of the fam rather than you. sometimes that may mean taking a break from school. or the other reason would be when your married your not as careful with your birth control. once you have gotten over the hype of the wedding little blues and pinks will enter your mind. just reassure your father that if you only have a year and a half left, that doesn't leave much time to quit. once you are married you will be very close to finishing and there is no reason why things would change. hope you find your answer!

Answer 6

You guys really sound like you have your lives on the path to something really good and stable. Good for you!

Now, never mind what your dad thinks. If you decide that you desperately want to get married before getting out of college, then go ahead.

BUT.

You're working part-time. You're going to school. Planning a wedding is time-consuming, overwhelming, wonderful, but above all very, very stressful. Do you really want to try writing thank-you notes for wedding presents while you're trying to study for finals? Plus, your mother, who will be your greatest joy and biggest pain when you're planning your wedding, doesn't live near you. That's a strain, too. Picture yourself saying the following:

"I have a fitting at 3:30 but my term paper is due in two days and I still have to give the caterers my initial head count! And what did I do with the receipt for those shoes? I need to bring them back because they don't actually fit as well as I thought they would! I'm gonna have to call into work and tell my boss I need the day off because I'm not going to be able to do all of this in one day."

You are by no means too young to get married, but you're young enough that there's no major rush to get hitched. You're so close to the end of your college career, so why not just finish that up, and wait until you graduate so you can actually enjoy your engagement?  You have many good child-bearing years ahead of you, so there's no rush for that, either, and I can see that you have a good plan for building up your family, too.

The only difference between your getting married at 24 and getting married at 25or6ish is that you'll have a lot more *time*, and less stress, so you can enjoy your new husband, your honeymoon and everything else that goes along with being a newlywed.

I suggest you wait until you graduate. I think you'll have more fun way.  

Answer 7

Hey, that sounds pretty much exactly what went on between us and my parents when we got engaged, Dad was concerned I wouldn't finish college, they wanted to make sure we could do it financially etc (i'm only 22 tho).

In the end they respect our decision to get married at the end of the year (i'll have another 12 months of study), is your partner working full time? We sat down with them to explain our reasons for wanting to do it then rather than in a years time, and they have a rough idea of our budget etc.

The thing i think is good about still having to study is that it provides some continuity in a period where things can really change in a big way. For us we'll both be moving out and renting together so it'll be a big change, but its nice that some things will still be the same, rather than be starting new jobs and stuff as well.

Hope that helps in anyway.