Allow me to rephrase this?

Question

I am not judging. We all have our different opinions, I know that. I do not agree with spanking and find it abusive, as do 51% of my country's population, and perhaps another part of why I find it abusive is because it is illegal in my country to spank under 2 and over 12. However, I see it as wrong and have found, through personal experience and observation, that other forms of discipline are much more effective. As I said in a previous post, my daughter has never been spanked, and I am proud of that.

It's not spankers that I am judging, but the act of spanking itself. There is a huge difference. The reason I posed my last question was to learn of spanking from a spankers perspective, not so others could feel judged or accuse me of being on a high horse, so I apologize for that. I am not better than any parent, nor have I ever claimed to be.

So, allow me to pose the questions again, without the "rant"..which really was just an explanation of why I'm against it and why I feel that spanking does not work.

Parents who spank, have you ever thought of trying other forms of discipline before resorting to spanking your child?

Parents who spank, what exactly does spanking your kids teach them? From my point of view, and anything I've ever seen, it just teaches them that hitting is okay and is the way to solve problems, since that's the way Mom and Dad solve their problems with me. So what does spanking teach a child?

Parents who spank, why would you say that unspanked kids are the unruly brats?

Parents who spank, why and how isn't spanking a form of abuse?

Parents who spank, why do you find it necessary to spank your children?

There are much better, happier, loving and safe forms of discipline out there, even to "teach safety". A simple "Come back here please" or "The road is dangerous for someone your age" works much better. The best solution for teaching safety, such as road safety, rather than smacking your child into fearing the road, teach them safety..."Stop, Look, Listen, before you cross the street. Use your eyes, use your ears, and then use your feet".

Thanks.

Answer 1

i do not belive in spanking my daughter for the simple fact that i came from a home where spanking was hte first line of disiplne. now dont get me wrong i have a WONDERFUL mother who would do anything for me, i just do not agree with that! but there are times where my daughter can push the limit to the ponit that time out and talking no longer works. for example if i tell her not to touch something she will continue to do it even after being removed from time out and i might smack her hand and get down on her level and tell her didn't mommy tell you not to do that. and then she will leave it alone.but as far as spanking on her botttom or giving her repeated hits that is a no in my book. to me there is a line that has to be drawn simple displine and abuse. and though i got spanking i consider them abuse. think about it if a husband hit's his wife dont you consider it abuse? so why should it be any different for a child

Answer 2

You say you don't want to start and argument, but you are. You are questioning the way other people raise their children, and people aren't going to be calm when you do that. It doesn't matter how you address it, people are still going to get offended. Just worry about your own children. No one is spanking your children, just their own.

Words don't always work.

And you can't say you aren't judging. Clearly, you are.

Edit:

What I want to know is why  you insist on questioning the way people raise their children when you know it pisses them off? You're mind is obviously made up that spanking is horrible and abusive...what else do you need to know? Seriously, you're attacking the way parents raise their kids. Let them be.

Answer 3

See the answers to the question that spawned this one, and you will get the information you need.  If all you want is a forum to affirm your own non-consequential beliefs, state that.

Regardless of all the new-age self-affirming B.S. that is put forth by most of today's pop psychologists, there is just a point prior to which it is literally impossible to reason with a child.  Talking to a child about his or her behaviors and showing him or her the right or wrong in it is something that needs to be comprehended on the receiving end; otherwise, you are just talking to hear yourself talk.  The pop psychologist would be very proud of you, but your child will still grow up without the concept of consequence.  You don't have to do any hardcore research or double-blind studies or even look to any such studies already done.  Just look at today's children vis-a-vis children 20-30 years ago, and your answer lies in the glaring differences.

Spanking isn't the right thing to do in every instance, either.  Make no mistake about it.  A parent shouldn't resort to spanking as a first resort (unless the crime warrants the punishment).  I'd favor a more "escalation-based" method, leaving the spanking on the table and not taboo, if it was necessary.  Stupid as people think military cliches are, it's the in-home version of "Peace through superior firepower."  If your child, for a moment, believes he/she has the upper hand, you've lost the game.  A very unpleasant consequence dished out appropriately in response to willful defiance does wonders for its future recurrence.  And I can assure you that taking away a favorite toy very often is ineffective, and simply sets the battlefield up to become nothing more than a contest of wills.

For you to place limitations on what you are willing to do in order to make sure your child grows up on the straight and narrow shows a weakness of character, one which a cunning child will most certainly exploit.  For the spanking to remain a tool in your arsenal, especially one that the child knows is there and is used as is NECESSARY, you show your child that you always maintain the upper hand.  The proper DISCRETION as to when to USE that tool in your arsenal is the display of strength.  Not physical strength, but knowing when not to spank is as important as knowing when to.

To that end, telling your child that "that road is dangerous for children your age" does have the possible effect of setting up more of a curiosity than a caution.  Thinking anything else is delusional.  Thinking that a child will simply take this to heart and listen unquestioningly is to ignore their learning and exploratory nature.  I'd agree with you, but only if you are willing to let the child go ahead and experience that road for themselves and, possibly, get hit by a vehicle or something, which, as goes without saying, is terribly irresponsible.

Again, understanding that, biologically, we are behavioral animals, we avoid situations that cause us pain.  I'd rather inflict a little bit of controlled pain on my child's butt than have to have a surgeon rescue my child from disfiguring pain because they weren't feeling terribly reasonable on the day I told him, don't go down that road.  The expression "curiosity killed a cat" exists for a reason.

Remember what we teach kids...."sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  Prior to being able to reason, pain is a greater anti-motivator to perilous curiosity than are your well-intentioned words.

If you look at the majority of the animal kingdom (to which, most people seem to forget, we belong), discipline IS carried out physically.  Why?  Perhaps because there is no organized, coherent communication between the members of the species.  Until we are able to fluently communicate (and, by that, I mean that the ability exists on both ends to receive and understand communications, as well as to originate them) with our children to communicate consequences, we should be no different than they.

Other than that, it's all in the follow-through.

Answer 4

Why would you need to rephrase it?  You've made your point (that you think spanking is abuse) so why rephrase it now?  What exactly do you wish to accomplish by rephrasing it?  It's obvious you are only looking for an argument.  You even said  in your first post, (and I quote), " non-spankers get in on this too!).  That is a clear indicator of the argument you are trying to start.

I chose not to answer your first question because I could see that you weren't really looking for information; you were looking for a fight.  You are welcome to search through my answers and read the answers I have given.  I have answered your questions numerous times to people who really were looking for information.

******************ADDED for One Girl Baby Due**************

I have to add for the post below mine

"one girl baby due":  

The reason why it is different for a husband to hit his wife than it is for a parent to give out an earned spanking, is because it is the parents RESPONSIBILITY to raise up children.  It isn't the responsibility of the husband to raise up his wife....."think about it".

Answer 5

Here's the deal in my case.

My son is 10 months old.  Too young to spank, of course.  When he gets older, he will get warnings to let him know to correct his actions.  First I'll give him a verbal warning, then a time out, then probably one more verbal warning and then if all else fails, he could get a swat on the rear.  I personally won't spank right away.  Just my opinion on the subject and what I plan to do.  Hopefully it won't ever get as far as to spank, but it did when I was younger with me and my parents.  

And I wouldn't say that kids that aren't spanked are unruly brats.  It's the child and how it acts is where I would call it a brat or not.  Not because of not being spanked.  That's ridiculous.

Answer 6

'From my point of view, and anything I've ever seen, it just teaches them that hitting is okay and is the way to solve problems'

That's not true for every child, I was spanked and NEVER thought that.

'why and how isn't spanking a form of abuse?'

There is a fine line and people seem to blur it, it's not abuse if it's not done out of anger, hatred or is excessive and causes damage.

You can spank, make it hurt without making it hurt for the whole day.  

Answer 7

I spank my toddler because frankly she does not listen to "come here please now" or "please don't do that again".  Yes, I say it several times in order for her to comply and she does not comply.  So, I'll go over to her and spank her diaper bottom one time and then tell her again what she should be doing.  I spank when she doesn't listen.  The spank sends her the message that mom is serious and she needs to wake up and listen to me.  It's the shock of "oh c**p mom is mad."  She's 2 1/2 and she's been doing alot better at listening.

We do time-outs for everything else, like when she is having a melt-down for no particular reason and she needs to go to her naughty spot and calm down.  She will within minutes.  She has far fewer melt-downs so I know it's working, or she's just getting older.

As far as abuse.....put on a diaper or like 6 pairs of underwear or more and have your child spank your clothed bottom one time.  Do you think this hurts? Do you think what your child did to you is abuse?  Sure, your child may give it his or her full force, but I don't do that and I'm sure alot of parents don't do that either.

Happier, loving and safe alternatives of discipline are grand and fine for the kids who respond to that.  Remember, that not all kids respond to that.  My toddler does not, my oldest did.

Answer 8

No rephrasing is needed.....we got your message loud and clear in the original question you posted.  And yes you are judging.  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

A simple "come back here please" does not always cut it.  Try saying that to my spirited two year old son :)  He has an iron will.  Sometimes a firm swat on his bottom is most understood thing for him.  He knows what I am saying but he willfully chooses to disobey.  It's just the way two year olds are.

-Add-

I'll reply to your comeback there...In a perfect world that would always work.  But we don't live in a perfect world :)  Do I show my son what I mean?  You bet I do.  But when have you ever known a toddler to always respect what you mean to tell them and what they know is right?  They don't.  Sometimes they still choose to disobey no matter how many times you show them the right way.  It's part of the age.  Toddlers and small children are perfectly capable of understanding "come back here please".  But are they always going to listen?  Nope.

Answer 9

"by giving two warnings, including offering our hand and walking her to her toy corner."

What kind of discipline is that?

Pre-discipline...what the h**l is that?  Sounds like your taking her over to her toys to get her out of your hair for a few more minutes.If she likes toys, as most children would, then she is seeing this as a treat for doing the wrong thing.

Answer 10

Why do you assume spanking is abuse? Or is it meant to inflict pain? Why do you assume that simply because spanking isnt your choice its automatically wrong? Spanking is a very effective parenting tool that works for many parents. That doesnt mean they choose to spank over everything. It doesnt mean that they are hurting their child. It is possible to spank lightly. It is meant to get a child's attention and teach the seriousness of the situation. Speaking to a child in a happy cheerful way and saying "come back here please honey" sends a very mixed message to a child. The child may not realise that what he is doing is wrong because you are NOT showing that through your voice and actions. I dont spank my children. And i never will. But there is also no way in h**l as a parent im going to call out "come back here please" as my child is running into the street. Only a complete idiot would do so, especially considering toddlers are constantly pushing boundaries and there is no guarantee that toddler is going to listen.

Answer 11

This is a tough one.  I'm not "anti-spanking", but it should NEVER be done while the parent is angry.  Spanking a child when you are angry is dangerous and doesn't teach the child the purpose for it, which is to teach discipline and show the child they must listen and respect their parents, siblings, and others.  That being said, spanking is not showing the child respect....so it's a tough one.  A child can't even reason until the age of 7, no point of spanking before then. Then again, the definition of spanking is very different to many parents. My youngest is 2, she has gotten a swat on her bottom (while wearing a diaper) after she spit in my face because I put carrots on her plate.  I put her in a corner of her room, she will sit there until she can come and say sorry.  That day she wouldn't come and say sorry, I went to my room to think about the situation and calm down, then I went to her and gave her the swat.  It hasn't happened again, now she knows spitting is wrong.

Answer 12

OK, I answered your original question. This question seems to be from someone who is truly looking for answers- not like the first question. For my child, spanking is an absolute last resort. I don't immediately resort to spanking because it doesn't always get the message through to my child. (My husband and I have a lot of discussions about this. He thinks EVERY offense deserves a spanking. I don't.) I believe that discipline should be about guiding your child and teaching them what's acceptable, safe, etc. and what's not. Spanking doesn't always accomplish that. I think that if you spank for every little thing, you need to re-think your discipline choice.

It seems that you have a view of parents who spank that's a little misguided. This is true for me, and I hope for the majority of spanking parents- I don't just lash out and crack my child across the rear and then storm off in anger. On the rare occasions that I do spank my child, it's to get her attention when everything else has failed and she's misbehaving, doing the same thing, for the 3rd or 4th time- or if she's being flat-out disrespectful and won't listen to my attempts to talk to her, use time out, etc. It's one swat on the rear with an open hand- I then give her a few minutes to calm down. After that, I talk to her and ask her if she knows why she got spanked. 9 times out of 10, she can tell me why it happened and what she should do differently next time. I kiss her and hug her and tell her I love her. She's fine after that- no fear or anger towards me.

Spanking is not abuse because abusive parents hit their children because they're angry or because they need to relieve stress or some stupid reason. Abused children are scared of their parents. And trust me, my high spirited, spunky child is NOT scared of me. Abuse= fear. Discipline/spanking= respect.

I think I remember seeing in your last question that your child is 17 months old? There's a huge difference in parenting a 17 month old and parenting a 3, 4, 5+ year old. Wait until you're faced with a flat out defiant, bull-headed child. I do not enjoy having to spank my child, but there are times when the situation calls for it. Some disagree with me- and that's their right. I know I'm doing the best I know how for my child- and I know that I love her and she loves me. To me, that's all that counts.

My child's teachers tell me on a regular basis that she is the most well-behaved, well-mannered child in her class. (Her class is small, around 10-15 children). There are other children who actually  hit classmates, disrespect the teachers, have no manners, etc.  My child never hits anyone- and is quick to stand up for other children if another classmate is mistreating them. She has no problem correcting a classmate if they disprespect the teacher or do something they know they're not supposed to. (I've been told all this by her teachers, so it seems like my method of discipline works well for her.)