Anbody know any funny jokes?

Question

Hey

I'm looking for a laugh, any joke is appreciated :)

x

Answer 1

A mother was sitting reading a book, sitting on a sofa. Her first child came up to her,

She said "Mummy, why am I called Rose?"

Her mother replied "Because when you were born a Rose fell on your head."

Then her second child came up and said "Mummy, why am I called Petal?"

Her mother replied "Because a petal fell on your head when you were born."

Finally her third child came up to her and said "Coo gij dghsug gsigvo worensfslf wgsovnsg"

The mother looked up from her book and said " Please be quiet refrigerator"



Here This isn't My joke But Its a Funny XD!

Answer 2

Seven dwarfs in a bath and they're all feeling grumpy,and then grumpy jumped out and they all started feeling happy.haha.

Answer 3

WHY DON'T YOU GO TO SLEEP ON A TRAIN TRACK?

BECAUSE TRAINS RUN OVER SLEEPERS!!!

HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAR

Answer 4

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke2

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"

Answer 5

woman's rights

Answer 6

guy walks into a bar orders a drink wen he sees a big jar of money he asks the bar man how do you win that he says u have to drink this big barral of wine theres a rot wiler that needs a tooth pullin out and theres a 90 year old woman how hasnt had s*x in 40 years and the guy says no no so after a few drinks he gose back up to the bar ands says go on then il giv it a go so he drinks all the wine then then he gose out in to the yard to the dog all u hear is bark bark bark and 20 minuts later he cums out bloody ad al riped and says weres that 90 year old woman how needs her tooth pulling out

Answer 7

Well,

I have an idiot friend at school who takes ages to read books and right now he's reading a book called The Selfish Gene. So im like "dude how much have you read of that? Like 1 chapter?"

Then he's like "noooooooooooooooo, 1 and a half..."

Then i have an explosion of orgasmic laughter.

Then i say "WOW, you suck"

Then i say "someone must have pissed in your GENE pool"

Answer 8

A banker, confused with maths, asked his secretary:

If I give you $3 million less 5%, how much would you take-off?

Sec: Everything, sir !!!

----------------------------

Mr X: Doctor, could I be able to see after my glasses?

Doctor: Of course you will

Mr. X : That's great! I never could have seen before

----------------------------

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like h**l!

Answer 9

Yeah! Your face! Hahahaha!

O.K, that's a bad joke, but it cracked me up one time when someone responded to a request like yours using that!

Answer 10

When you are on a flight that lands smoothly it seems everyone claps and cheers.

Do they "BOO" if it crashes?

Answer 11

Imagine a shark is chasing you in the ocean-what would you do? STOP IMAGINING ! lol  

Answer 12

sorry it took so long i had to go get it off my myspace blog cuz i didnt feel like typing it all lol

The Female Genie

>

>

>

> While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a

> bottle on the sand and picked it up.

>

>

>

> Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile

> said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?'

>

>

>

> Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of- a-dog! Don't

you

> know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.'

>

>

>

> The shocked genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will

be

> returned to that bottle forever.'

>

>

>

> Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the

> woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American

> women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

>

>

>

> ' The annoyed genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared.

>

>

>

> The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,

Tonya

> Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side.

>

>

>

> His p***s was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health

> insurance.

>

>

>

> God is good

Answer 13

this is a true and unbelievable story. but then again it was on the news, so we cant be sure.lol

a guy called 911 and told them to immediately come to a subway..it was an emergency. when the operator asked what happened he replied 'subway forgot the mayo on my sandwich'

when i saw that on the new i was lmfao. i was thinkin about how many idiots like that guy exsist.

Answer 14

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Emo Philips

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."- W.C. Fields

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King

"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." Thomas Szasz

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." - Joel Hodgson

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

A fly without wings should be called a "walk".

Answer 15

Um I have bad jokes. I made them up so I'm not surprised.

1. What did the idiot say, to comeback his sister?

Your Mom.

2. How do computers reproduce?

By Ramming.

Answer 16

Ooops!

An blonde Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Miss, please stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.

Answer 17

Two nuns were driving down a road in Transylvania when a vampire jumps out in front of them. One nun says 'show him you're cross' so the other winds down her window and says 'get out of the way, you toothy git!'

Superman is flying around the world when he spots Wonder Woman lying naked on her roof. He thinks 'nows my chance!' so he swoops down, faster then a speeding bullet, does the business, and flies of. Wonder Woman says 'what was that?' and the Invisible Man climbs of her and says 'I don't know but it hurt alot!'

Answer 18

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on

his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,

''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,

did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put

the d**k underneath the horse instead of on top.''

Answer 19

whats green and has wheels

Answer 20

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at

      work.

      Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal

      lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the

             woman's

      husband unexpectedly comes home.



      She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little

      boy is in there already.

      The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

      The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'

      Boy: 'I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?'

      Man: 'No, thanks.'

      Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'

      Man: 'OK, how much?'

      Boy: 'R250-00.'



      A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were

            in

      the cupboard together again.



      Boy: 'Dark in here.'

      Man: 'Yes, it is.'

      Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'

      The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: 'How much?'

      The Boy says:'R750-00.'

      The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'

      A few days later, the Father says to the boy: 'Grab your ball and

      boots, let's go outside and have a game.'

      The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for R1000.'

      The Father says: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like

      that...

      R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take

            you

      to church and make you confess your sins.'



      They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the

      confession booth and he closes the door.



      The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'



      The Priest says: 'Don't start that S**t again!'



      THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE

___________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America ...

MARIA:       Here it is.

TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS:        Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables..

______________________________________...

TEACHER :  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER:  No, that's wrong

GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

______________________________________...

TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER:  What are you talking about?

DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE:     Me!

______________________________________...

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN:        Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

______________________________________...

TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE:          I is..

TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE:          All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    

_________________________________

TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS:     Because George still had the axe in his hand.  

______________________________________



TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE :       No, sir.  It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD:       A teacher

__________________________________

Answer 21

What is the definition of minimum?

A very small mother.

Answer 22

Two pretzels walkin down a street...one gets aSALTed! hahahahahahahahaha...okay so its not funny lol.

Answer 23

I know a few so here goes.....



Whats the difference between a ginger person and a red brick? the brick as more chance of getting laid.

whats the worst thing about being a test tube baby?  is knowing that beyond unreasonable doubt your dad's a w**ker/jerk **f.

whats the best thing about having a mulitipal personality? it turns a w**k/jerk **f into an or*y

mr whippy (icecream man) was found dead in his van with chocolate sprinkles all over him his nuts all over the place and a flake up his a** police said he had topped himself.

                    thanks for reading x