Any other adoptees have attachment issues?

Question

My hubby and I started marriage counseling for a seperate issue. During one of the sessions I realized that I have some major attachment issues. Even though I had a loving and wonderful adoptive family, I have always felt like I didn't fit. I took care of myself and my needs. In my world, I was it. Not to the point that I was selfish or anything, but I always knew that if I needed to take care of myself that I would be just fine because I've been doing it all along. I'm starting to look back on my life and wonder. All the past failed relationships. My now crumbling marriage. My extreme need to start my own family. Anyone else feel like they just can't "attach" to anyone or anything?

Answer 1

You have just described my entire life.  I have sabotaged many relationships because of attachment issues.  It is difficult, and I have been lucky in my current relationship that I have a woman who is very understanding and patient.  I believe this is a very common issue for adoptees.

If you need some place to talk about this, I have found this forum (http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index... very helpful.  

Good luck to you.  I hope you and your husband can find a way forward.

Answer 2

Have you been studying my life? I am now 40 and wonder if I am going to be alone forever. I look back at my life now and every relationship I have had was ended because of my attachment issues. Now that I know I'm not alone with this issue, I do not feel like such an outcast. Thank you. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 3

i can really relate to you! i have felt this way my whole life also. the only thing that helped was to start a relationship with my birth family.

Answer 4

you know what? i have never put the conection together before. my whole life i never fit in, i had a great family, dont get me wrong. we were just different. i wasnt and outcast, but i was and am an outsider. and i know i am the one that makes is that way.

i have found both my birhtparents and i bonded well with them, as much as i would let myself. i harbor no hard feels for either of them and love them dearly, as well as my regular family.

i have so many walls and they are now affecting my current marriage (number 2), but i have never put the connection together until i read your question.

i think i have some soul searching to do. i dont want to lose what i have in my life, but i feel myself pushing them away and adding more bricks to my walls. i just dont know how to stop. its like breathing, i cant help it, i dont think about it, i just do it. i know i am doing it, but i cant control it.

thank you, you may have saved a marriage and a family. if this is why i am doing this, i know what i have to focus on. i honestly feel i have a starting point now. if you were here i would hug you.

Answer 5

Feeling like I don't fit in as far as family goes hits the nail right on the head. I couldn't really fit in with my adopted family, my step family or  my birth family ( after I located them)

I was married for a brief period and had 3 children. I have now been divorced for 20 years ( never re-married) My only real family I feel are my children.  I believe I will grow old alone. I haven't even  dated in many years. Although I think I have many friends and still receive a descent amount of attention from men, I'm just not interested in getting involved.

Although, I am now curious about  the book "birthright".

Before I go out and purchase it, what can you tell me about it?

I  just can't see being attached  and committed to anyone, but my children and grand-children.

Answer 6

I have major attachment issues and I'm never sure where I fit in. I'm not even sure I fit in here as I wasn't officially 'adopted' - I was raised by my Grandmother while my mother went off, remarried, had another couple kids. I saw her once a year at christmas till I was 11, when we had a big argument and have never seen her since. Throughout my life I have found it difficult to form lasting friendships/relationships of any sort. I now have 2 wonderful kids and since having them, I hate my mother even more now, as I have difficulty even handing them over to my mother in law for 1 night to get out. I have no friends outside of work and no contact at all with my remaining family. I spent my childhood in terror of being abandoned completely - after all, even my mother didnt want me. This fear shaped my formative years and as I grew older I kept people at arms length, so they couldnt hurt me.Throughout my life, I've had to rely on me - I've gotten myself into a lot of trouble along the way, but I'm proud to say I've gotten myself out of trouble as well. Some people say I'm aloof or cold - the truth is, apart from my children who I would kill for, I just don't care about anyone or anything else enough to become emotionally involved. Most of the time, I feel like I'm acting.

Answer 7

oh, i'm so there. i have deep attachment issues. i come from a loving and wonderful adoptive family too. but i tend to put up a wall when it comes to friends or boyfriends. i don't want to be hurt or rejected. i feel if i don't get attached then it won't hurt when they leave. i feel that everyone will leave me. i know this isn't true, but that is how i feel. you are not alone.

Answer 8

me a child adoptee who hates herself

Answer 9

RP,

Please come to

adultadoptees.org/forum

Answer 10

Wow, where to start? My attachment troubles tend to go one of two ways. Either I am totally unable to form any kind of bond with a person or I form too strong a bond far too quickly. This has affected every aspect of my life though I do feel my reunion has helped me see some of the things I do wrong.

If I start to feel a bond develop and I think that person could harm or leave me (friends, partners, new family members) I push them as far as I can. "If I know I am the reason you left then it is ok. I caused it. But if I show you who I really am and you leave then I am an awful person, unworthy of any affection."

In some cases (usually with people I "should not' form a strong bond towards such as authority figures, teachers, men far too old or young for me etc.) I bond so deeply that it borders on a dependency or even an addiction, I simply can not imagine living without them in my life.

I have also had issues bonding with my children. In my eyes a woman who gives birth is not a mother. A mother picks her baby from a room full of beautiful children all waiting for their perfect home. I have lost two children to "the system" due mostly to my inability to see them as my own. I always felt like I was just watching them until their "real" mom's came to get them. I now have a 21 month old daughter who I sometimes feel the same about. I fight it, I got into therapy, I try to love her as much as I feel an adoptive mother would. And I constantly feel as though I am failing. Self sabbotage in every possible way. I have no right to my own kids in my twisted mind.

I work through this every day. I have recently started seeing someone new. Someone who would seem perfect to anyone else. To me, however, he is just another notch on the bedpost. Another human being to pass the time with. I am trying to care for him, he is truly everything I want in a partner. I doubt I will allow it to go very far though. He is so perfect I can already see how much it would break me if he were to leave. Better to deny any feeling at all than have to have another person walk out on me.

I can write it out and see how insane it all sounds. I wish it were as easy to really feel the insanity that I let rule my every decision. I would give anything to not be who I am, to feel the joys of life instead of always waiting in frear of the fall.

Answer 11

Please know that you are not alone!  problems with trust and attachment in relationships is so common amongst adoptees!

Understandably so, if you think about it.  The very first, most intimate relationship we had (with our mothers) ended in the trauma of separation from everything we knew and trusted.  Is it any wonder that we are hypervigilant about the same thing happening again?  I think this is usually a subconscious thing, since our trauma occurred pre-verbally.  I only made the connection between my attachment issues and fear of abandonment with adoption in my thirties.  Prior to that I was a 'happy adoptee' completely fogged up in the notion that there was no reason for me to be that way - it took alot of work to 'wake up' and admit that , yes, it was adoption that made me this way and to connect with other adoptees who felt the exact same way

You can find alot of comfort talking to people who understand and who are living with the same issues.  People will dismiss your feelings but they are your feelings and because we weren't allowed to grieve or work through our feelings when we were children, doesn't mean we can't try to work through them now

I would recommend lots and lots of reading.  Nancy Verrier has written two books.  They were like reading the encyclopedia of my own experience.   I am sure you will identify with some of the things she has written about - she shows immense insight into how it feels to be adopted - and she is an adoptive parent!  I wish all adoptive parents had such understanding!

The book Phil has recommended to you sounds great.  I haven't read that one yet, I'll be going out and buying that one too!

Best of luck to you and your hubby.  I'm sure you can work through this if you acknowledge the issues and their source

Answer 12

No, I have always felt my adoptive mother was my real mother, I can't imagine not growing up with her...Having my own children however, made me realize they are the only 2 people I know with my blood in them, that's special to me, but I adore my mother , (my father died when I was 12,), and my brother..

Answer 13

Sadly, your story is very common.

Of course you have attachment issues, you were abandoned.

It is the natural consequence.

Having a wonderful and loving adoptive family is wonderful, I am glad you did.  Plenty of adoptees did not, and it is incredibly damaging for them.  Having a loving adoptive family HELPS but does not CURE being left by your original family.

I think the most healing thing you can do is put yourself first as far as healing goes, wanting to heal your issues is not the same as forsaking your adoptive family,

Accept that, really accept that, I know as an adoptee that is hard to do.

Read other adoptee blogs, join the forum, listening to other people's stories will help you discover yourself and your own.

You are not alone.