Apalled by her behaviour?

Question

my MIL takes my daughter overnight once a week, she may take herr swimming, take her to a soft play centre, various things. she dropped my girl off the other day saying she took her to the soft play centre. she added she took her away from playing with a little boy. i asked why - was he hitting her etc. she said no 'he just wasnt right'. confused, i aasked her what she meant 'he wasnt right, he was downs or something'

i was speechless. i asked her why she felt my daughter shouldnt be playing with children who are special needs to which she replied 'she is different, she will learn nothing from them'. i said i strongly disagreed that she would learn tolerance, respect and that we dont treat other who are diffferent to us with disrespect. she left shortly after.

the next day she came down, my daughter was watching 'something special' which is a kids show that has special needs kids in it and it also teaches makaton. in it they sing songs, paint, tell stories etc. she loves it. and ive picked up some of the simple signs like juice, milk, book etc things that relate to my daughter - and she is picking it up to, so at 12mos old, she can ask for juice without being able to say juice which im proud of. anyway, on seeing my daughter was watching this, she said 'i dont know why you let her watch this'

i have a nephew with autism and her attitude literally sickens me to the point where im seriously considering banning her from taking my daughter on her opwn as i dont want my girl developing this sort of attitude toward people then my daughter getting punished for being nasty to others.

what would you do.

Answer 1

   I'd tell her about it, or have your husband do it. That's completely stupid and I would tell her those kids deserve a friend too. I'm blind and have a brother that has a slite mentle defect and I'd never let my daughter or nieces or nephews treat anyone different for any reason. My sisters and I teach our kids sign language when they're too young to speak and it helps us ccommunicate with them a lot. Good luck, I hope she realizes how stupid she's acting.  

Answer 2

I would just tell her that if I ever hear of her trying to stop your baby playing with anyone who has special needs then she wont be going out with her again. My 4 year old still loves "Something Special" they all do. Justin is fab isnt he?

Answer 3

I have a grandson with special needs and this kind of attitude is all to frequent.  I have even known him to be not invited to birthday parties because he is different.   His needs are not as evident as some children but it makes me sad to think that any adult could feel this way about a little child.

Only people like you will change wrongful attitudes, but sadly it will not come quickly enough to make a difference to all the children who need understanding right now.

Thank you for showing that you are teaching your daughter how to be a caring person in this frightening world.  

Answer 4

That is not cool! But i do have to say that I have the same situation going on with my husbands grandma. She grew up in that era where they are strong with separating that kind of learning experiences if you will. In your case I would invite her (MIL) to watch the show with your daughter and let her see how much your daughter loves the show. Explain that in todays world children need to be diversified because there is to much negative stuff in the world to worry about as it is, and that all children are the same regardless of special needs, ect. It's a new era and that kind of thinking will get your daughter in trouble this day an age.

Good luck!

I have set my husbands grandma straight and we no longer have an issue because she see's how eager toddlers are to learn new things and they don't see the physical traits of other toddlers all they know is that it's fun to play!

Answer 5

I would tell my MIL that if she didn't change her attitudes then she wouldn't be having my child unsupervised anymore, and not as much as she does now...That behaviour is truly disgusting, and your daughter is obviously being much better educated in tolerance, manners and general life skills by you.

Have you thought about asking your partner to have a word with her?

Answer 6

I understand how you feel but your extreme reaction is no more useful than your MILs.  Your MIL maybe doesn't have any experience of people with special needs so you have a great opportunity here.  Don't make her wrong, that will just alienate her.  Just explain that you want your daughter to grow up accepting people who are different to her.  Unfortunately you cannot control all the circumstances in your daughters environment and she will see behaviour from others that you don't like.  Its all useful.

Answer 7

I would tell her straight that this isnt how you want your daughter to think and that if she cant accept that then her outings with your daughter will stop.

Answer 8

I think it's a generation thing (not all the older generation btw) we are currently having our son assessed for autism and my dad is very upset to the point where he cried the other day and said I just wish he was normal  and my partners mum won't even discuss it and says he is fine. We are now more open to special children whereas in "those days" people were shunned for being different, it is difficult but I have to learn to be patient with our families ignorance and try and work through it by talking about his differences. Believe me I know how annoying and difficult it is.

Answer 9

I believe u should distance her from ur baby as soon as possible. Babies are like sponges. They absorb everything that happens around them. It would be a shame if she absorbed the attitude that makes her inferior or more special than others. It's plainly...disgusting!

And im glad she has a mother like u, who understands! My sister is paralyzed and i hate it when people look down on her...

oh is MIO= mother in law?

well if u can't get away from her then harshly explain that she's UR baby and U will choose how to race her up! Good luck and dont let her do her way

Answer 10

Even know I'm 12 I KNOW TONS about this kind of things because im mentaly confused and i am just fine i have a nephew he is 4 now and he says that he saw a kid at the playground with a wierd face and said he looked stupid i say that its not right to judge and its wrong to say SPECIAL adults or kids are dumb there just 1% different from me or you so tell that women that until she learns to respect other people from who they are she shoeldnt be hanging around you or your child

Answer 11

I plan on letting my daughter play with special needs children, "normal" children, black, white, purple, yellow...I really don't care!  And it's good that you don't either because a child isn't born racist or with hate towards someone with a handicap....it's LEARNED.  And if your MIL thinks like that then maybe you should tell her off!  I would.....my gosh, your daughter is only 12 months old and I'm sure the boy was little too....he wouldn't of caused her a bit of harm...your MIL is a horrible person for thinking this way.

Answer 12

my daughter loves that program too.Babies and toddlers don't really Care if someone is disabled mentally or physically.

My daughter is 2 1/2  a while back she saw a man in a shop who was severely disfigured with burns all over his face, his nose and ears were so badly damaged that they were barely recognisable, however my daughter thought nothing of it and smiled and said Hi to him, he looked chuffed to bits and said hello back.

The fact is this man has probably been used to getting negative looks and whispers, that even a very young child treating him like any other person can make his day. I felt very proud of my daughter and i hope that i will be able to make her see beyond first impressions as she grows older.

You are absolutely right to be concerned, most disabled people have the same thoughts and feelings as the rest of us and should be treated as equals.

If she can't changed her attitude, keep your daughter away for awhile.

Answer 13

Your question touches my heart, because my mil is also like this.  Don't take away visitation "rights".  But be persistant, patient, tolerant and try to be understanding towards your mil's intolerance --- try to be exactly how you want your daughter to behave towards people that don't understand and are ignorant about special needs children. There's a lesson in that too!

Your mil can learn from you and your DD.  Don't give up on your mil because you would be doing exactly what she is doing towards people with Down's and you don't want to give out mixed teachings and signals to your DD.  Make the lesson a global lesson (a two way steet - how we treat others who are different and how we teach those who are intolerant of others who are different).  

It's going to be tough, but YOU (and your lesson) will be the one that will rise above mil : you will be teaching true tolerance.

Answer 14

I would do exactly what you are contemplating - she has no right to deny your daughter the chance to mix and learn from others - be they able bodied, mentally impaired or have some other handicap.

Who the h**l does she think she is?

You are right and you should make this clear to her and if she doesn't like it - tough.

Answer 15

I agree that is appauling behaviour. I would talk to her and say that I wanted my child to learn about different people, places, cultures and the diversity in this world.

If she thinks your child won't learn anything from other people/children with special needs she is very much mistaken! Often we can learn more!

You need to talk to her so that her opinions don't get pushed onto your child.

Answer 16

I would be very upset at the whole situation as I myself have a young brother with Downs and I work as a social care worker. It is very clear to me that the much older generation are very uneducated in the area of special needs .Although I would like to say don't let your little girl be influenced by this lady. I know that would go with out saying for you as you seem to be a very open minded person. Why not try and educated the lady in the area a bit more and show here the program you watch and maybe she will learn a bit more herself. After all it was the way they were told things were then they were young so people like this just need to retrain their way of thinking.

Answer 17

some people just doesnt understand that a child is a child no matter what disablilty they all need love and a friend... alot of people are just uncomfortable with disable children but for someone who works with them at my high i can say there jus like everyone else.. they like to watch sports dance even in there wheel chairs the like to sing thoses who can talk... and i also met a few the were very good artist by the painting and drawing and poems you would never no they had and disability... i gald you didnt fall in with her and allow you child to see and learn that some people may look different and cant do everything she does but they are  human and itz okaii to be their friend

Answer 18

As she already knows your opinion I would probably let it be. I mean you can't force her to change her attitude. But I also wouldn't change what I was doing ... you are definitely in the right. Make it clear that she is your daughter and you will raise her the way you like.  

Answer 19

im probably being thick here but whats a MIL? and whoever she is her attitude is ridiculous, why does she think your child wont learn anything? she might learn alot, its just simple prejudice.

Answer 20

Its just horrible isn't it! That in this day and change people have that kind of attitude.

I would tell it to her straight and tell her how you feel. It's outrageous in itself that she thinks the way she does but to pass that kind of message on to your daughter in completely inappropriate behaviour.

You are her Mother and you have the right to put your foot down and stop her behaviour/views from being passed onto your beautiful girl.

Can your husband say something to her about it??

Answer 21

No that's not right.  Your daughter should be learning that there are lots of children with different levels of ability and this doesn't mean they are "wrong" or "bad".  It sounds like a generational thing to me.  My aunt actually gave her downs child up for adoption in the seventies.  I think that's apalling but in those days no one thought badly of her for doing it.  I often wonder what happened to my cousin and hope she is well; she is only 3 months younger than me but I have never even seen her.  Just stand your ground and your MIL will eventually learn that she can't teach your daughter her old-fashioned way of thinking.  

Answer 22

Take your MIL aside & explain to her that your nephew has special needs & that you want your daughter to be accepting of others with special needs so that she will be more accepting of her cousin. This is obviously not the only reason, as we all want our children to be accepting of others, but by narrowing it down like this to your MIL may drum it home a bit more.

Your MIL is born of an era that have not always been as accepting of people who are "different," so try not to be too harsh on her, no matter how frustrating & upsetting her attitude is. She probably has hang-ups about homosexuality & race too. For this she should be almost pitied. She obviously has a very limited existence, & so cannot be enriched in life, as you & your daughter are. By banning your daughter from seeing her nan, who for the best part, is a good, loving one, you will be depriving your daughter of a relationship that in its self will be enriching. We talk of tolerance & acceptance towards people who are different in looks, mind, etc... So this has to be extended towards your MIL. At the end of the day, the majority of your daughters time is spent with you, & it sounds as though you are doing a fantastic job. Your daughter, even at her young age is being taught & enjoying her time learning about the differences between people, so despite what one person in her life thinks, she will grow up, especially having a cousin with special needs, to ignore her Nan's comments & views on this topic. As a result your daughter will learn to accept other opinions as well as being able to form her own. She will learn to respect other peoples opinions whilst retaining her own & as you are doing a good job at raising her, & the fact that you are her role model, I don't think that her Nan's opinions will make any difference to how your daughter views people with special needs at all, so don't worry. Good Luck. x

Answer 23

That is very wrong what you mother in law done. Things will never change as long as there are people like that, I understand how you are feeling, I wonder if the kids parents saw her do that, how upsetting that would of been for them.

I know we went to a nursery looking around once, and their was a child with downs syndrome, and he wasn't being nice, he chucked a toy at us, and kicked the worker there, but they did not discipline him, i felt it was because of his situation, but if his parents feel he is able to be in an 'ordinary' nursery, he should be treated the same, he was not being nice, just like some children can be sometimes - back to the point, if you mother in law simply got your daughter away because of that, and not because he wasnt being very nice to her, that is very wrong, and I would talk to her about it, but the thing is, thats how she feels, so she just wont tell you next time, because she knows you dont want her doing it, so maybe you should tell her, if you find out she is putting things like that to your daughter again, she will not have access to her alone, and tell her how you mean it.

How does your partner feel about this?