Bad grades, and lying child...!?

Question

my boyfriends daughter lives with us, but just recently in december, before that she had always lived with her mother...and her mother has not helped her with school or life in general, so... now i am dealing with a 10 year old girl who brings home horrible grades in school, she is in 5th grade and didnt even know her multipication table! we've been working on that... but her reading is bad as well. she reads at a 3rd to 4th grade level...we had a meeting with her teahcers, and we're trying our best at home to help too... but she still isnt bringing home goood grades, im at my wits end, and i donnot know what else to do....any suggestions?

and on top of that, she lies, ALOT! and her lying can be over the most ridiculous thing ever! this morning i had a talk with her and explained the next time i catch her in a lie she is grounded, but i know she will continue to do so, and it's hard bc it is something she has picked up from her mother, so how can i brake this bad habit?

Answer 1

uhh good luck with that

Answer 2

IT'S A CRY FOR HELP!  She is 10, confused, and the child of a broken home.  Her whole world is shot.  This is perfectly NORMAL behavior, given the conditions, and she is showing signs of needing YOU.  Otherwise, she'll be having s*x with boys at thirteen years old.  Stop this now!

She needs her DAD'S constant involvment with her.  Spanking and soaping her mouth will not solve the problem, UNLESS you balance it with love, attention, understanding, and lots of it!    

Have her Dad take her out on a few "dates" (Daddy/ Daughter time).  He can reassure her that he considers her important, and that she is protected.  You will begin to see the lying, bad grades, and sour attitude begin to disappear!

Answer 3

Well,I don't mean to offend, but you are not even her stepmother yet. I don't think it is appropriate for you to punish her. You need to get to know her, be like her friend. Talk to her father about it. Some kids just like peace. Maybe she feels sort of crowded? It is a new situation..and that can be hard. Don't be mean and fierce, give her privacy and space. It's up to her FATHER to check her homework, make sure she gets good grades, and choose how to punish her. She's going to resent you later. It's fine to care, but it is not fine to pretend to be her mother. She does not have ADHD. Before diagnosing something like that, look around her. She just got taken away from her mother, and here you are trying to replace her mom. If I were her I would be the same way.

Answer 4

Rewards! A 10 year old girl would probably like to feel like she's accomplished something great when she does something right. If you're religious at all, you could involve Jesus in this and explain that lying is wrong in most cases (except when you have something rude to say).



Rewards give her control over part of her life. Try this: every time her grade goes up one letter or she brings home a test that is a B+ or higher, she earns ten dollars. That always worked with me; I hated school. My parents paid me to do better in school. 10 bucks is a lot to a ten year old--and you can have a BIG reward, like a $100 gift card to her favorite store when she comes home with a great report card!

Try not to punish her for grades that are low, and praise the ones that are high. My dad made that mistake with me for a while, he yelled at me every time I had a D in one class and B's in my others. It made me lose confidence in myself and ALL my grades dropped. Be a good person no matter what :)

Answer 5

well obviuosly her mother taught her nothying and needs some serious help, but u have her daughter correct.....well im in high school nd i noe its hard for her to adjust but u can't yell @ her no matter wat...i  noe dat u probably feel lyk ur gonna die though, but just praise all the good things she does nd ignore the negative....plus don't bribe, it does no good cuz she'll just demand more as she gets older rite....so instead surprise her w/something she wants once in a while, but i think it would be more effectiver if you took some of her faverite stuff nd tell her she'd only get it back if she gets good grades....it should work cuz, dats wat  my dad did to me nd my sibs...hope dat helps

Answer 6

punishment tell her your gonna soap her mouth out and do it  or spank her and put her in the corner she may hate you but it will help in the long run when she is in the corner tell her she doesnt get out till she says sorry and make it longer then 5 minutes make things hard for her if she lies this will turn into stealing and drinking ans s*x later on

Answer 7

About the bad grade did you think about having her test for ADD/ADHD?  What about a learning disability? There can be different reasons why she is having problems.  She also can have a frontal lob problem or an auital problem. I would suggest to do these first.  About the lying you need to follow through with her.  Since you said the next time you lie you'll be grounded than you need to stick by that.  It maybe hard at first but, this will work.  You can read a book on boundaries or discipline. I wish you the best of luck!!!

Answer 8

Tough situation for you but great that you want to help her.

About the lying, it can become so natural for some people that they honestly do not realize they do it. I know a 21 year old like that and since she was little she has lied --- sometimes it makes no sense at all. She is finally getting counselling for it.

Personally, having been a 10 year old who went from mom's to dad's I would be careful about punishing it and moreso try to find if there are reasons for it. 10 is a surprisingly emotional time for girls especially when family life has changed.

For the grades, have you asked the teacher if they are concerned? Lots of 5th graders read at a lower level and while it is concering, sometimes a 10 year old needs more understanding than pressure. I really do appreciate your concern for her but if she is having troubles it may feel harsh rather than caring to her.

Answer 9

I used to be like your boyfriends daughter...but my mom broke me..and this is how she did it

1.  i didn't know my times table so she forced me to remember it. i would start with my two times and work on that for a week and the next week my two and three times and so on. and everyday i would have to repeat my tables to my mom.

2. my mom would sit down and do my homework with me everyday. and i wasn't allowed to do anything not even use the bathroom until it was done and every answer was correct.

3. for reading my mom made me read books for babies basically..you know those golden books. i had to sit around a table and read it out loud to her and if i messed up i would have to start over from the begining until i got it write.

4. i was put in a remedial reading class for a year and that forced me to get my act together because i hated being labeled as 'that slow kid'.

5. when i lied to my mom she would whoop my buttocks and  i couldn't watch tv, couldn't hang out with my friends, couldn't do anything that was even remotely fun.

all this made me get my act together and i surely learned. once thing my mom did a lot that helped was she would talk to me about my day everyday after i got home from school. and every saturday we would do something just me and her.

Answer 10

if i wasnt civilized-i would have a notion to kick her moms azz for being a piece of $hit!...but, ok...i understand how your feeling and what your going through. this is all a cycle and its going to take more time than you may think. it does take a great deal of patience, you may have to muster alot more up. i feel sorry for this child, but fortunately she has someone who cares about her and is trying to help her-you- so give yourself credit for that. she should be in a i.e.p class for being a slow learner...i.e.p meaning-individualized education program...as far as the lying, because with her school work your doing all you can....start taking things away from her that she likes doing. you have got to be stern and remain stern. when a child sees that you give them some type of slack, they continue to mis-behave.

she is old enough toknow that lying is wrong, give her chores to do after school, have her sit and write a story about lying and why its bad-this will help her in two ways, practice reading and writing and also point out why she shouldnt lie. help her with the story but let her put it in her own words.

restrict fun time until she starts to show improvement as far as not lying-it may be gradual, but it can happen. good luck and keep it up. your doing a good thing here. oh yeah, as far as rewards-and lets not put religion into the equation because thats making a huuuge mistake, in order for this child to have a chance at being successful, dont reward her for lying, only reward her for showing effort in trying her best and for reaching a goal! some people can give some terrible advice on here.

Answer 11

when you come into a situation like this all you want to do is help and what you are doing so far is great i only wish my parents did what you are doing but i think that first you need to speak with her father on diciplinary actions you are not her mother and i would say thats a compliment she was doing it wrong, but you need permission to do it right. I definately think you should put some stern punishment down for lying! For the bad grades you should make learning fun for her she is definately at a disadvantage im assuming all the other kids can read and know their times tables so its hard for her you have to be sympathetic twards her situation you know it better than me but no matter how little kids show it problems at home however little they mabe affect them. Learning styles mabe the way she is being taught is the problem she might like colors, hearing the multiplication on tape,flash cards. Just try new things to see what works better for her. Change the scenery i know when i was a child being at home made me want to play try going to the library a couple times a week perfect place to work on readeing and anything else. Good luck .

Answer 12

she's looking for attention... ive seen it a lot. Just stop blaming it on her mother... it's the worst thing you can do... believe me... i lived a childhood of my parents trash talking each other... it got to the point of when they sued each other... they would  try to get me on each of their side... so at seven I attempted suicide by overdose to not have to pick a parent.

if you have other children reward them for doing well in school (nothing big... like a dairy queen) and if she does well reward her.. and if your kids dont do well dont reward them..... treat her the same... if she tells you something... dont listen to it... check up on it... if she says mommy hit her... she's probably just trying to get on your side. Look up Oppositional Defiant Disorder... DO NOT USE MEDICATION.... DO NOT EVER EVER... it stunts growth, and maturity not to mention your personality doesnt crystalize until you are around 20... but the non medication treatments... read those...

most people dont know how to parent... and they get mad at their children... but its really the parents fault entirely... not just one parent either. All of the parental figures/family.... and the guide is something all parents should read