Being honest to your adopted child.?

Question

how do you think is the best way to tell your adopted child any of the following information without them feeling like total poo?

1.) His b-mom did drugs while pregnant

2.) She decided to parent the other children (1 id 20mos

older1 is 20mos younger. Both healthy

3.) she wants absolutely no contact

4.) b-dad is incarcrated for non-support (and has a new baby on the way)

Do I tell him EVERYTHING. When? when he's an adult.

My mom was an alcoholic who left me in the car at parties, who made sure there was beer before milk in the fridge. At 5 I was mixing her drinks. She slept with my sisters b-friend and got pregnant. And for years I felt like I was doomed to be like her. Of course now I undrstand that I'm my own person, but I don't want him to think that he is doomed to be like them.

Answer 1

Do not say that the birth mother didn't love him/her, even if you feel that is the case, because you really don't know.  Don't be graphic, but don't lie.  Tell your child that the birth mother made a decision at the time that she wasn't able to properly care for him/her.  The rest should only be revealed if the child asks about those specific subjects.  If you are totally honest, I have been told that the child will accept your answer and move on to other subjects.

Answer 2

start out with questions that they ask and answer as truth ful as you can. yu are adopted we loved you and picked you out stuff like that. if they had sisters or bothers let them know you did. just go slow and easy and when they get abig older they will ask more and more questions and then be straight and honest. you don't have to give them the hate project to them but just let them deal with it. tell that what they did or whom there were like and stuff and so on. if they want to see them let them. its like seeing what they may become in a person or if they are messed up with drugs it will help them see that also. but just take one day at a time and not throw it all at them. don't you make the judements for them let them do that and its oke they are going to find out sooner or later and its best to find out from you on a side view they can make the choices and find out what medcial they can use. take care.

Answer 3

Be honest with a great deal of compassion.  Do it age appropriately.  Make sure you keep the natural parent's information.  The child once he is an adult can make the decision to contact.

Answer 4

I am an adopted child, youngest of 4 adopted kids.  I am now 36.  Our parents told us we were adopted right from the very start, they told us we were special because we were adopted.  I grew up feeling very proud of that fact.  Answer his question as honestly as you can for his age.  No need to get into deep about the bad details if he is to young.  Mom & dad always called our birth mothers angels, because they gave them us kids.  We were a gift from god.  If he feels secure with you & nows he is so deeply loved & you are grateful to the b-mom for him, it will make all the other stuff not so bad.  Just let him ask for the details as he gets older, he may never ask for them.  I grew up feeling very proud & secure, and it was a  when I found my b-mom & found out that I have an older sis, & a younger brother. And my b-mom told me I was a product of rape, but being raised as I was it didn't affect me in a negitive way.  I can't imangine my life anyother way.  I keep close contact with my b-family, but they are not my REAL family.  Hope this helps some.

Answer 5

yes, you must tell him when he is mature enough. tell him when he is ready and can really understand the situation like when he is in grade school. but make sure he is not experiencing any other stress. just be there for your child when you tell him.

Answer 6

If you wait too long and somehow he finds out he will be VERY bitter and hold it against you....

My uncle ( really my cousin) was addopted at birth, my aunt his mother didnt want him.....or his sister, my grandparents raised him and his sister, he found out when he was 16, he is now 40 and is still hurt that he was lied too..... Honesty is the best policy when you think its time..... Just dont wait to long

You dont have to tell him everything but you can sugar coat it so it doesnt sound as bad BUT IF HE ASKS TELL HIM THE FULL THRUTH.... He will love you and respect you for telling him........  and stress how much you love him and how much joy he has brought you.

Answer 7

As a birthmother of an adopted child...I would tell him that he was adopted and that his mother did the best thing for him by giving him a wonderful family to have. Explain that his mother just did not feel like she would be a good mother to him. Let him discover all the other stuff alone unless when he is old enough to understand and asks...then tell him. But also be sure to let him know that you feel very blessed to have him in your life and that you love him ever so much.

Answer 8

Julie R has the best answer here, please read what she's said and read it again.  It makes total sense especially the part about the child feeling he/she is bad too because his mother is portrayed to him as bad

Answer 9

well all throughout my life my mom had told me i was adopted. she didn't want me to feel like she had lied to me my whole life.  my situation for adoption and stuff wasn't as bad as your son's but it was strange. and she has always told me every detail because she didn't want me to feel like she had lied to me.

Answer 10

I think I would just him/her that that you chose them because you loved them and that the biological family wasn't able to take care of him/her.

Answer 11

My mom was always open with me about everything she knew about my birthmother. I know that she smoked...I know that she had gestational diabetes...and I know she was 21. If there was anything else, something horrible, I wouldn't really care, because that's not who I am. I'd feel more hurt knowing my mom kept something from me than I would about knowing the truth all along.

Answer 12

I think that all children need to know where they came from and honesty is the best policy.  Letting the child think that false facts and later find out that YOU held the truth from them is only going to make you look like the bad guy.  So ...yes...you need to tell the child what you know.  

Now the other question as to when.... well that is a hard one to answer. I don't think that telling them when they are young is a good idea.  You really need to wait till they are older and can understand.  I also think you need to "present" the information with compassion and empathy and let them see that their mom was not a bad person but a person with some major problems that she could not control.  I also think that you, as their mom, are best able to tell when your child is mature enough to "wrap their brain" around the information without blaming themselves.  Every child is different.  Some are not mature enough till they are 40 (like my brother) and then some are when they are 15.

Answer 13

I don't think you ever lie to your child, but I don't think you give information in the same way at each age.  

At age 5 if your child is wondering why his birthmother relinquished, you can tell him she was sick and couldn't take care of him.  Simply say that, at the time his bio siblings were born, she thought she was well enough to take care of them.  

I think a good age to introduce details that may be more hurtful is about age 11.  That is generally the recommended age to reveal difficult information.  They are old enough to understand, but not in the middle of the adolescent identity crisis where it can get all wrapped up in their identity.   They can come to some understanding and acceptance before going through adolescence.

Answer 14

I could go on & on with this one. Sounds very, very similar to my situation. I (thought) I realllly wanted to know all of this at the ripe age of 16, but my mom said no, I had to wait till I was 18. I am wonderfully glad she made me wait. In your teens, you're searching for your own identity and muddying the waters with potentially hurtful & discouraging news would have really messed me up at that time. I found out later and was able to handle it a bit better...I was NOT bitter for not knowing any sooner and I didn't feel badly for my bio-family or myself. This may sound harsh...but I have met my bio-family and I thank God every day that I had the opportunity to be adopted. That's something I wouldn't have appreciated at 16. Sorry for adding tmi, hope that helps & best wishes!

Answer 15

The best way to tell him these things is with COMPASSION.  

1) Drug addiction is an illness (not an evil sin!).

2) She was okay before, but suffered from this illness when she was pregnant with him.  After a long time, she was able to get better.

3) She feels so badly about this right now that she is not strong enough in her heart to see him.  Hopefully, she will be stronger one day.

4) He fell on hard times and didn't have enough money to pay his siblings' mother to help take care of them, so he had to go to jail for a while.

I understand that you were very hurt as a child due to your mother's illness.  I hope you can see that it was an illness, and I hope you can get some help to work through the issues you have with her.  Until then, it would appear that you are projecting those issues onto your child's mother (and other issues onto his father as well).  He will sense this and project that perceived "badness" on himself.  Not good.

It might help if you did some research and learned about the nature of drug addiction.

Answer 16

I feel as thought you should tell he was adopt but not the details unless he asks. If ask why then I think you tell him.

Answer 17

Don't tell him everything, some of that stuff will make him feel horrible. How would you like to hear that your mother decided to raise your brothers and sisters but not you?

Just tell him 1, 3, and 4.

1 should be: 10

3: 7

4: 20

Answer 18

Tell your kid when he is  old enough to understand. As time goes on you'll want to tell more and more. When he is a  teen, he will probably be able to handle the full truth. Only tell him age appropriate things. Good luck.

Answer 19

I don't think it's necessary to tell your child EVERYTHING you know about his parents, at least not until he's an adult. Like you, I was exposed to adult addiction and self-destruction at an age when I was too young to understand. .

My husband was adopted and his parents made it known from the time that he was a baby (his skin is a bit darker than theirs, so there was really no hiding it).  I think they said something like "I wanted to have a baby sooo badly but couldn't, so God had another woman who was very kind carry you in her tummy and when you were born she gave you to me to love."  The God thing may not be to your taste, I don't know, but I thought that was a sweet way to explain it to a child.  

I think that everyone wants to be made of good "material" and, considering that her mistakes are not necessarily genetic, I see no reason why your son shouldn't  believe that his birth mom was something more like your guardian angel.

Answer 20

Wow I have alot of things simular in my life to your situation in many ways but different introductions to them in ways.

My father was an alcoholic. He was abusive. A step father after was much worse.......

I have 4 children, 2 from one father, 2 from another. The first being much older, abusive, and very belittling, and a drug user. Has never came around to visit. The current a complete opposite.

I am sort of a neighborhood mom, taking in all the strays and even ones that weren't.... One I babysat for years, kind of adopted me as his mother. Began watching him at age 7 he is now 22 and still says I am his real mom. His own mother gave him up at 7 out of the blue, had twins that were much younger that she kept........

I also have a daughter that was diagnosied with cancer at age 4 that can't have children. I menton this for an additonal point I'd like to make as I address each topic.....

The first topic.

I as you felt my bad parents and the abuse inflicted on me were things I caused or because I was bad etc. I thought to I might be just like them. (my mother is the opposite she is wonderful). I have 4 children, I am not at all like my bad parents. In fact I could use a bit more discipline with them and I think that is a reflection from the bad.........

My father didn't want contact for years. I thought it was me. After having my own children I saw it different. How could any parent not want their own child?? Then when my own ex did it too, I realized more so it isn't the child but the cirtcumstances.......and selfishness or a lack of ability even to handle it.....

Sec. topic.

When my two children were old enough to ask about their father, I was honest with them, but not to a degree I was merely running their father down. Just enough to express the type of person he was. I wanted them to know the truth in case they decided to seek him out. He was never abusive to them, only me and I did make sure they knew that. He had an open door to visit them he chose not to because of his anger towards me. I made sure they knew that too. Some people are not good parents, but it does not mean we are bad children. It means we have bad circumstances!

I used my own childhood examples to show my children even when we are exposed to bad or have bad parents it doesn't make us the same. If you used your own background as reference to your child perhaps they can see it didn't make you bad. You had parents that weren't good at taking care of you, yet your able to take care of anothers child who's parents weren't able to take good care of them. You are a seperate person than your parents and turned out in an opposite fashion. You can use that to show this child the same example in themselves. It is a good tool as they know you and it is real for them to see. My children are able to see a man that is good to them although he is not their biological father. Just as your child will be able to see that in you. There are good and bad people in the world and we decide at some point which we are going to be. It comes from with in. Often people who have had the bad examples, are much more sympathetic and aware of feelings and the way they treat others. Also more giving and sharing with what they have. Such as yourself. We KNOW what it feels like to be mistreated, to go without, or not have that safty and security growing up. It makes us more protective and aware of another who is experiecing the same. Almsot as if you can spot them a mile away. Sometimes it gives us a drive to fix it because we do know........  

Now for the boy I took in who's mother gave him away and kept the twins who were younger. I use to tell him when he was real young and would ask why she did...... I'd grab him by his shoulders, look him over and say....I have absolutely no idea??? You are a perfect boy. Handsome, smart, loving, I can't imagine why she'd do that. Her reason must be her own, maybe even a sad one, but it can't be yours. There isn't a thing wrong with you!  However I am very glad I get to have you. He lived with his dad at this point but he met a woman with 2 other children and this boy was forgotten there too. He always knew he fit in at our home. When he got older he began to see his mother. At times she'd go off and tell him she wished she had an abortion and many things. Other times she'd be very kind and loving. He came to me once about it and I suggested this..... I said your mother is very different than most we can see that. That isnt your fault. Maybe something made her that way? I know you struggle with her good and bad sides and a part of you loves her and a part of you hates her. Both feelings have very good reasons behind them. Maybe you can make your mom two people in your mind. One you like and its ok to love, and one you don't like and its ok not to. Then when you feel one way its ok and when you feel another thats ok too because its natural to want to love our parents and sometimes there is one out there that makes it very hard to do and unfortunately you have one of those. However its still ok to love her. Its also not wrong when you don't and feel angry at her. SHE gives you many reasons to feel that way. Its not about you or because of you. Its the way she is for whatever reasons. All you have to do is decide how you want to handle that, or how you want it to fit in your life. Know not everyone we love is perfect but its still ok when we love them. Its also ok if we have bad parents and don't want them in our lives. Sometimes they aren't good in our lives and thats a choice thats best for us.

Its not our fault how our parents act. Its their fault. They are suppose to take care of us not us take care of them, unless of course they are elderly. (even then would be based on prior relationships). No child should have to compensate for their parents drinking, drug or any other bad habit that is takes place of the parenting they should be giving their own defenseless child. All children and people deserve a SAFE loving and caring home and to be protected and taught while growing up all they need to be self suficiant. Not raising their parents who should be raising them. Its not a reflection on us, its a refection on them alone.

The last topic I bring up for another simular example. My child had cancer. Chances are she is sterile from the treatments for it. Rather than one day springing the fact on her when it becomes an important issue in her life or something, I have always brought it up from the age of 4 when she was diagnosed. Just casually as in the begining she didn't quite have the understanding of it. Later as she did it was just something she always knew. I know one day it will still be a disappointment or issue for her, but I feel it is less of a shock knowing all along. She kind of grew into the fact of what she knew. If your child is young and not aware they are adopted I was thinking this method might be less of a shock knowing all along as well. Not only would they always know even from an age they mght not fully understand the meaning, but they will also see you love them regardless of this information all along and not question it later on int he wa they would if it was just discovered one day......just a shared thought...........

Be sure to point out your childhood and the fact you are not like your parents and neither is he like his...............

I also would like to say, that honesty is a great tool. Even to a child If your honest (not over honest about some things), all along, your child will learn that of you and that they can trust you fully. If you withhold things and later it comes up, they will always wonder what else you left out and wonder if they ever know it all were as opposed to telling them they will feel more secure you have told them it all, all along.  Make sure you always let them know if they have questions you will answer them to the best of your ability. That will also ensure trust and honesty can always be found with you when thye are having doubts or curiosites.

While you were growing up did you desire anyone to be truthful and honest regardless what the truth was?? Perhaps someone could have explaine dit fuller and in a better way you didnt experience guilt or shame. I knew very little and my own mind and imagination filled in the rest and the only person I had to blame or figure was bad was myself as I didnt know the others..............