Children and funeral?

Question

My husband's grandmother passed away yesterday, and the viewing is tomorrow. Is it appropriate to take our children (2 and 8 months) or should I just wait and take them to the funeral. Also, if we do take them, I dont think I will allow my son to see his grandmother...? or should I? I dont know what to do.

Answer 1

If you have someone to watch them then have someone watch them but if you don't, then it's not big deal.  there's no appropriate age to expose them to such things.. it's part of life.  I just recently took my eleven month old to a funeral and actually i think it's good for the people around to have a bit of joy around despite a sad situation. most people like kids and it puts a light on things.. as long as your kids aren't complete brats and are out of control.

i just chose not to take my daughter to the viewing at the funeral home.

Answer 2

it seems Ok to take them...I just would take quiet activites for both of them. Unless the 2 year old insists on going and looking in the casket I would try to refrain from letting him look at the deceased.

Answer 3

Go and support your husband.  At these ages they will not really know what is going on and you can keep them from viewing the body.  I have done this because I had no other choice in the matter.  My kids were young then and they did turn out fine.  If the two year old asks questions just remember that you explain other things to that child on terms that child understands, so you will find a way to explain this.  Most times the most simple of explanations is all it takes.  Mother of two....now 18 and 11.

Answer 4

No!!!!! Funerals are no places for children!!!

Answer 5

I was traumatized at a young age when I saw someone laying in a casket dead, it was horrific and I had nightmares. Have a babysitter watch the children and do not allow them to go to the viewing or the funeral.

Answer 6

My family has always involved everyone in funerals, and that also included the viewing of the departed.

It helps children to realise that they have died, and they more often than not look like they are asleep.

Your children get to see family and friends grieving but also sharing memories and laughing. Don’t be scared about them seeing you crying; tell them you are sad or that Daddy is sad that his grandma has died.

My ex and his family had not known anyone that had died when they were young and it came as a big shock to them. I too found it a big shock as they did not seem to be able to grieve and instead want to get drunk and go off on their own.

When it came to the funeral they were very anti about the idea of our daughter going to the first funeral they had, but soon realised that she wasn't upset, she was 18months at the time. We would have my daughter running up to her grandparents during the funeral and they'd just gather her up onto their lap. Since then there has been a fair few funerals and my children have all gone to them, and I notice that family members always come up and include them, talk about the person that has died and it’s usually bittersweet but a bonding time for everyone.

It would pay to make sure that you have decided that one of you, (it would probably have to be you seeing it's your husband's grandmother) is ready to take the children out if they start making too much noise.  But most people that are there are family and normally everyone would be pretty tolerant.

Too many children are sheltered from life and death now days. And one thing you can't avoid is Death and Taxes. It is going to happen and they have to see what it's all about. It helps them to adjust to loss and grow emotionally.

Answer 7

Oh, this is tough. Our son was two when we went to our first funeral with him, but he didn't know the man. We were in the back of the church, and when he noticed the casket - (yes, we had already talked to him about what he would see, but gosh, he was two!) he said "Oh, NOW I know why that man is lying down there. He's really old and just got really tired". Now to him, that made sense.

He was used to attending church, so there was no problem with him being quiet or anything, so no difficulty there.

His grandmother, whom he was very close to and spend a lot of time with, died when he was four and a bit. He did go see her in the hospital, before she looked very different - we didn't want him to see her looking very sick, and that time had come quickly. Gosh, I don't think he went to the viewing at the funeral home, and he didn't go to prayers (which we hold the night before in our church). He didn't go to the funeral, but we had our priests' kids watch him, and they brought him over to the lunch after, so he could be with us.

The difference was that he was four, and that they were close. I wanted him to only remember her alive and vibrant (she was only 69). It wouldn't have traumatized him, but that was the reason for our choice then.

So for your kids at eight mos. and at two, I think it's good that they go. Often funeral homes have coloring books for kids to have, which explains stuff. But make sure you talk to him as well (even if you don't take him to the funeral) about dying.

Good luck. There is no wrong answer here. Only you know your child.

Answer 8

I wouldn't take the children.  The concept of death is to difficult for ones so young to grasp.  They will learn about death soon enough such as the loss of a family pet.  That is traumatic enough.

Answer 9

My personal opinion is to not take your children to the viewing.  It could be difficult and confusing for the child and difficult for the other people attending.  This is a time to say goodbye and to grieve and your two very young children won't understand.  I would take them to the funeral grave site as long as you feel you need to.  If having your children there will help you then explain to them what is going on and what to expect before hand trying to answer any questions they may have.  If you can get through the service without them though consider that you are the adult and the one needing this time to say goodbye.  It might be easier to face it, and support your husband without the children there.

Answer 10

You should have no problem with the baby--she won't remember or care what is going on yet.

With the two year old, I think you have to decide what you are doing and then explain it to her. If you take her, then you might want to explain that her Great-Grandma's body is dead, but that Great-Grandma's spirit is in heaven. And that she is waiting in Heaven for all the rest of the family to come when it is their time. Her body will look different, but it will be ok. Explain that other people there might be sad, because they miss Grandma. If she wants to see her grandma's body, then let her. IF not, don't force her. Personally, I would take this approach because learning to deal with death at an early age makes it less traumatic at a later age. And I would want her with me and my husband if we were in a strange town.

If you decide not to take her, then just tell her where daddy is and still explain to the best of your ability about the grandma.

As for the funeral, that would be the harder part for kids to sit through! HAving to be quiet while people give eulogies and such is hard for ME to sit through. If you take them, try to sit close to the back of the family section, and take something quiet for your child to do. This way she won't interrupt the service for anyone else. (Stickerbooks, color wonder, finger puppets, a small dry-erase board, etc.)

Good luck!!!

Answer 11

I  probably wouldn't let them do this just because they might make a scene...chances are they won't remember the funeral when they grow up, but they could start talking to the grandmother or try and grab her (hug or something) and that wouldn't really be good... but I'm no parent...im only 15.

Sorry for your loss byt he way.

Answer 12

At 2 and 8 mos (especially) the 2 year old probably isn't even going to understand what's going on and won't remember it most likely. If you feel this should be a family event, I don't see any harm in it (like you said, you don't have to show him). Just say you're seeing family that you love.

Answer 13

I am so sorry for your loss. I would not take my 2 year old to a viewing, he would not understand what is going on and would get upset that grandma wasn't waking up to play with him. But I am not sure how much your 2 year old understands. As for the 8 month old, it would probably be best to leave that one at home for both the viewing and the funeral. Unless the 8 month old is extremely well behaved, you will probably be getting up and down a lot with him/her. I took my son to a funeral when he was 5 months and it just upset him seeing mommy so upset. Hope this was helpful and again I am sorry for your family's loss.

Answer 14

In my family, children are welcome at funerals.  They, too, need to grieve and to understand the circle of life.  Their presence, too, helps those grieving by reminding them of the joy in life, the childhood of the deceased & by providing some necessary comic relief, unselfconscious hugs & smiles, distraction & alternate topics of discussion when things get uncomfortably quiet.  

Be sure to be parenting them the whole time you're there.  Keep them occupied.  Keep them clean, polite & behaving properly.  Let your husband help, if he's up to it.  Be ready to walk them out of the room and/or out of the building when you need to, in order to be polite.  

Sorry to hear about your family's loss.  I hope that you all find peace in your memories together.

Answer 15

I would not recommend it.   I was traumatized by seeing someone in a casket at a very young age, and it got to me so much, that my mother did not let me go my grandmothers funeral. So I would not allow your children to see his grandmother. 2 years old is far too young.

Answer 16

Well, they are too young for it to have lasting memories. If I took them, I wouldn't let them actually see their grandmother, however.  Let them just remember her the way they knew her when she was alive.  Later on, you can help them to put her life into their hearts by sharing stories and pictures.  I'm sorry for your husband's loss.

Answer 17

I think the veiwing would be more appropriate than the funeral.  

At the viewing, it wont be that much of a big deal if the baby cries or whatever, where as at the funeral, it would be very rude and distracting to have an infant screaming.

I was never sheilded from death growing up.  There was always someone dieing...  elderly relatives, people from church.  I think the sooner you allow kids to understand the concept of death, especially with someone they arent that close to, the more able they are to handle it when its a lil more closer to home.

Then again, I was raised with the religious belief that death isnt a bad thing.  I was taught that death is the oppurtunity to celebrate the life that they had, and that the person is no longer suffering.

Answer 18

If I were in your shoes I would not take them to see the body. Well, the 8 month old wouldn't be affected but the 2 year old wouldn't understand and could either not be phased of be upset. I wouldn;t risk it myself