Comparing Myself to His Ex?

Question

I have an amazing boyfriend, before him I was with this loser for a long time that made me cry everyday. My new relationship is healthy, I have no reason whatsoever to ever worry because he shows me with actions that he loves me. My problem is, which he has no clue about, is that I have an obsession with comparing myself to his ex. She's long gone and not around or anything, and from what I've heard from him, his family and friends, they're relationship was nothing as serious as ours. He mentioned that they broke up because he didn't think they were compatible. She isn't an ugly person, but I know I am better looking, and we are complete opposites. My dilemma is, he has reassured me in many ways that he loves me and is serious about me, however I think I am insecure with myself because I keep wondering whether he thinks she was prettier, or better, even though I know it's not the case, he has given me no reason and when he himself has told me that I am the best girlfriend he's ever had, that he loves everything about me, that I am beautiful, he talks about us having a future together, we have gone on a vacation together and he told me that he loves me, something he never did before, not even for this ex which I keep worrying about. Do all women do this and is this normal, or is it just me, what should I do to stop torturing myself?? (sorry for the lenght)

Answer 1

Yes, it is true that women tend to compare themselves to one another, and feel constant emotions of jealously. I think that you are being normal. BUT that does not mean it is healthy. Think about your relationship before. You would not want your wonderful boyfriend always being insecure because he compared himself to the jerk boyfriend. He is with you now, and everything seems fine. men HATE women that are insecure and jealous. don't s***w up your relationship. please.  

Answer 2

Yes its normal i do it all the time. But you really shouldn't beat yourself up and you even said you think your prettier and everything so you don't have anything to worry about.  Yes stop torturing yourself.

Answer 3

I did exactly the same, this went on for about 2 years and made me miserable! I never classed myself as a jealous person or anything but I had this mad obsession with her for some bizarre reason.I NEVER let on to him about it but it did make me try and leave him a few times as I HATED the way it made me feel inside and I,like you, knew it wasn't healthy! I think that with time I just managed to get a handle on it and I think because deep down I really did know he wanted to be with me and not her or else he would of still been with her!

The other thing is everyone used to tell me how much happier he looked with me and I guess  one day I just decided that I could and would not go on with thinking about ways of ditching him and decided to accept that he wanted me! I have never looked back and now we are married!(nearly 2 months now!!)

I wish you the very best of luck and I am sure you will get over did,I did!xx

Answer 4

It is completely normal to compare yourself to the ex.  But you have to stop beating yourself up and trying to sabotage your relationship.  If he tells you that he's happy with you and things weren't good with her as they weren't compatible, believe him and keep working on your own relationship.  I think your previous boyfriend did a number on your self esteem so that it causes you to question whether you are good enough.  Don't let that loser control your life any more.    

The fact that you are the only person your boyfriend has ever loved speaks volumes for what this relationship means to him.  Stop focusing on his ex and letting your ex still have an effect on you and  focus on the two of you.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Perhaps a little curiousity about these things is normal, but you sound overly affected by these things and it is stressing you out.....Your insecurities are derived from being in a c**p relationship before..... while these thoughts and feelings are understandable given your past, you need to deal with them, as you will project alot of angst onto your boyfriend, and in the end reassuring you will become tiresome if you consistently don't believe him, etc.......he will feel you don't trust him!

Get some counseling...one on one....building your self esteem, confidence...you will become an even more likable person! He will understand if you tell him you need a few sessions of counselling to write over the harm that your previous boyfriend did to your self esteem......

best of luck!

Answer 6

This is normal. I think it's just insecurity. You need to realize that he is YOURS. Relax. You said he had a bad relationship with the other girl? He probably took the experience of his ex and readjusted his "chick standards" for the better. So you must be a better choice than she is. Don't worry. It's just that nagging voice in the back of your head.

Answer 7

I don't know if all women do this, but I did. I think those of us with lower self-esteem have more of a tendency to. When my hubby and I first got together, I was always worried about whether or not I was prettier, smarter, or better than his previous girlfriend(even though they had broken up cuz she had cheated on him). It took me over a year before I actually stopped worrying about it. I'd say really listen to him when he tells you that you are the best because he wouldn't be with you if you weren't.

Answer 8

I do...and im a guy..

Answer 9

I was like that for a few months. I found it hard to deal with the fact that he had been in a long term relationship before he met me.

His ex was on my mind all the time. I had never seen her so I pictured her to be beautiful.

Anyway I can't remember when or how but I just got over it. maybe it's a time thing..you just stop worrying about it.

I did actually meet her and I wish i met her earlier because I never had anything to worry about.

Every girl I know has gone through it. You are not alone.

Answer 10

i think to some extent all woman compare themselves to others. Expecially when its a boyfriends ex. you want to measure up to them so that you can be as good as they were plus everything you have to offer. I think you will just have to keep telling yourself that they broke up for a reason and now he is with you instead of her, so he must see something in you that he didnt in her. So instead of trying to be her, or comparing yourself to her, you should just try and be more of yourself. Im sure after awhile you will stop feeling this way. i hope this helps ya out =]

Answer 11

Sounds like you are being a bit insecure and unsure of yourself. You have to think positive and believe in who you are. Don't let this turn into something that will end up destroying your relationship. I think every women goes through comparing themselves with an ex. However he is not with her anymore for a reason, he is with you now for different reasons. So you obviously make him happy and you are happy so be happy! and quit fretting, it will make you have gray hair!

Answer 12

Always know the essence of what it means that he chose you and that he loves to get into bed with you every night.  You do not need to compete with his ex~~the race is over and you won.big time.

Answer 13

I've been in the boat you're rowing. I totally understand where you're coming from. You have to remember something: there is a reason he is with you and not with her. He loves YOU, he's with YOU, and he spends his time with YOU. Chances are she probably doesn't even cross his mind.

The only way to solve this is to talk to him about it. Let him know that you think about it and tell him what you're thinking about. You don't have to be so specific, but let him know that you need reassurance that she is not a part of your relationship - and she shouldn't be.