Could someone explain...NICELY.....?

Question

I am new to the adoption world, as our homestudy was just approved a short while ago. Since being on Yahoo Answers I have noticed SO MANY people saying their parents were lied to and tricked into giving up their babies...and then parents saying the same thing..that they never wanted to give up their baby but they were lied to...

my question is...how does this happen? how does someone trick someone into giving up their baby? i'm not being hateful or a smart butt, I honestly want to know. Please be nice, like i said, i'm just asking to find out more about it. Thanks!

Answer 1

I hear about this happening to brith mothers but I know it happens to natural fathers all the time. They are there when the child is made and then for all types of reasons not involved in adoptions why? Because most woman and adoption agenices don't want to deal with some man wanting to become a father. This has happened to my son and has changed how we feel about adoptions.  What right does anyone have to exclude a birth parent of their rights to raise their child.

   Can you beleive that adoptions go back to the romans back then a adopted child had both birth parents and adopted parents last name and their were no secrets seen to work fine for them and the children were atleast aware of who they were.

   Right now we have to many children in foster care and not enought new borns for the couples who just have to have them. So in order to get these babys they social workers and adoption ageinces go out of there way to make adoption seem like the best choice and the birth parents have to deal with it.   My grandson is at this mintue 15oo miles from his father and sister thanks to the social worker, birth mother, adoption agency and couple who  at no time cared that the father wanted his son. Is this right?

Answer 2

From what I have read on 99.9% of the adoption agency WEB sites, the so-called free, unbiased counseling for pregnant women is really just anti single- and anti teen-mother propaganda which is designed to indoctrinate young women into the "birthmother" cult.  Then if they change their minds after their baby is born, the agencies/attorneys "hot-box" them to pressure them into changing their minds.  The mother is threatened with legal action for money and the agency tries to keep the mothers away from their support systems.  There was a question here in the last month from a young mother who was being "hot-boxed".  The mothers who are in agency-provided housing situations are horribly vulnerable.  That is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Also, see Magic Pointed Shoes answer.  Sums up the tactics used by the adoption industry pretty well.

There are also predators who hang out on the WEB who try to find a "private" situation with a scared young mother-to-be.  These types want to totally circumvent the meager safeguards that are in place to protect vulnerable, frightened women.  Some even openly solicit minors (here and other places).

Answer 3

As a mother of special needs boys and I hope to adopt in the near future, I ill reading some of these horror storys. WHat happened to open adoptions.

Answer 4

I just wanted to thank everyone for answering your question. I am also in the early stages of adoption, it`s nice to see people answering nicely. Good luck in your adoption process.

Answer 5

At the risk of getting a million low ratings like i have before, heres what i think. I was pregnant at age 17. If I had not miscarried, then I would have gladly given my child to a family that would be able to take care of them better. Why? Because I would not have the resources to give them the life they deserved. In my case, and in the cases of a lot of other people I know, its not coersion, really. Its more of a realization that the childs health happiness and safety is more important than my own enjoyment. Of course I would look into and research the families deeply to make sure of that. Im not speaking for everyone, because tragedies are out there. Just make sure that you talk to the birth parents to make sure. Thats what I would have wanted.

Answer 6

I cannot answer for anyone but what I experienced- the birth moms of our 2 children knew that adoption was the best choice for their children. How do I know, THEY TOLD US.

Answer 7

a lot of first mothers were drugged.  mine included.

Answer 8

Okay, I'll try answering this question again, despite the fact that each time I try to explain this, someone definitely doesn't get it and flames me to boot.

The standard, plain cut to the chase answer is at this website that lists very plainly the ways women are coerced into choosing adoption.  This list does not include "self-coercive" techniques though, and I'll explain that more in a moment.

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

Categories that they use for the different coercion techniques are:

A. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To convince you that you were unfit as a mother and thus had to give your baby to people "more fit' or "more deserving."

B. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To convince you that you have an emotional obligation to surrender your baby.

C. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To remove from you all personal support systems and make you reliant on adoption professionals for advice, counseling and emotional support. To distance you from any person who might try to provide alternatives to surrender.

D. Psychological Coercion. Purpose: To psychologically and physically distance you from your baby in order to increase the probability that you would surrender. To ensure that surrender of your baby was seen by you a "inevitable."

E. Psychological Coercion. P urpose: To psychologically traumatize you to decrease the chances of you bonding with your baby.

F. Financial Coercion. Purpose: To make you feel financially pressured to surrender. Note: young single mothers are often in a financially-vulnerable situation anyway and thus financial coercion is often a major factor.

G. Fraud. Purpose: To guarantee the surrender of your child.

H. Withholding information from the mother. Purpose: To you to surrender by withholding known information about risks or negative consequences.

*****

Notice that the majority of the categories, and if you clicked through the link given to see the ways those coercions are instituted, are psychological.  The trouble with stating that so much of the coercion is psychological is that the first thing that people who haven't experienced this say is that if we really wanted our children, nothing would have made us be talked into giving them away.

Personally, I think that what isn't mentioned on this list is self-coercion.  I know for me, and for some of the others that I've communicated with after placement is that while pregnant there tended to be this internal decision to not be one of those "birthmothers" who changed their minds, or hurt the potential adoptive parents, or was difficult, or asked for too much, etc...  It was as if by deciding to make an adoption plan which ideally would be prepared with a parenting plan and the choice to come after the birth of the baby, instead it was I have to cling completely to the adoption plan and reassure everyone else involved that I am the bestest person by relinquishing and doing the "right thing."  It leads back to the question asked either yesterday or the day before about whether expectant mothers should have their own legal counsel when persuing relinquishment in the adoption process.   I had that option, but it was given to me only a few minutes after already being conditioned by the adoption lawyer and society to not be the difficult birthmother.  So their lawyer represented both my interests and the adoptive parents interests.

Do I think that the agencies, lawyers and facilitators are using these techniques on purpose thinking the worst of their intentions?  No.  I do know though that considering the social backlash of women in crisis pregnancies and what is considered doing the right thing, especially if that woman is hearing awful things said towards her at home, from family, from friends, from strangers, etc... that the friendly face that wants to give this other option and tell you how wonderful you are, it's really easy to let one's self go to what seems like that soft place to fall.

That's when the non-psychological coercive techniques come into play.  When they don't give non-biased counseling.  When they don't inform women about the lifelong consequences to themselves and to their children by relinquishing, etc...

As for me personally, I blame myself 50% and I blame everyone else 50%.  Equal opportunity train wreck choice as far as I'm concerned.

For those that haven't paid too much attention to my earlier answers and added them up together.  Before I had received any real counseling about parenting/relinquishing options, I had already been approached by my ob-gyn with a "Dear Birthmother" letter and was told she would only give it to me if I was serious about relinquishing because they have had their hearts broken at least three times with birthmothers changing their minds.  The nurse in that office even made the phone call to them so I could talk to the potential adoptive parents right then.

By the next morning I had an appointment to meet with their lawyer within the next day or so.  That appointment consisted of meeting with the potential adoptive parents first for about an hour.  Then they left for a bit so that I and my child's father could start the process of making the adoption plan.  I was asked if we wanted to see more profiles, but notice I had already been psychologically coerced to pick this one couple so we didn't look.  We were informed that we could have our own attorney, but by then we were already psychological coerced to not think of our own needs.  Then we met with the social worker who informed us in one or two statements there were other options of help so that we could keep our child.  One or two statements.  That pre-relinquishment weigh our options counseling lasted 30 minutes tops, maybe an hour and parenting was limited to one or two statements.  At no time did they mention the lifelong consequences of relinquishment other than we probably would feel sad for a while.

After that, the potential adoptive parents were back and all the pre-adoption planning to relinquish and this is who we are matching to forms were signed.  We were sent home with medical history forms to return.  And that was it.

We were there for three hours tops.  A couple weeks later I birthed our child that we relinquished, and like the above link states, many of those techniques of coercion in adoption continued at the birth and the day following.  I saw my son for all of three minutes on my belly before he was taken to the nursery.  I asked for him multiple times and yet he was never brought and I was given no updates on how he was doing despite legally he was still my son and no one else's.  Finally, someone mentioned in passing that he quit breathing that first day after he was born and was required to stay in the nursery on the monitors.  But they also didn't inform me that I could go see him.

They released me approximately 16 hours after birth from the hospital so that we could sign the relinquishment papers right then.  No one asked if we had been able to see him again since birth.  As I was preparing to go home after everything had been signed, my mom came to visit us.  She was furious that I hadn't gotten to see him and walked me to the nursery.  The nurses treated me like dirt and wouldn't let me hold him.  They scolded me when the wires were disturbed from his monitoring.  So I left.  And I was so unbelievably heart broken because that was not how it all was supposed to go.

I convinced my father to take me back later that evening.  That time I was allowed to hold him, but by then my son didn't recognize me, or wasn't comfortable with me holding him.  I didn't know that was how babies are sometimes.  I took it as a sign that he really wasn't mine.  I passed him to my father and then his adoptive parents arrived a few minutes later and we watched them interact with our son.  It calmed me down a bit, but still...  I went back one more time the next day with my boyfriend now husband.  And then that was it.

There was one post-relinquishment counseling appointment.  That was the one decent thing they provided that was authentic and true to the experience of having to relinquishment a child for adoption.  She provided the stages of grief and explained how I could be in any stage and it wasn't a list to complete but something I would shift through in any direction and no stage was a reflection of being over it because there is no being over it.  She was so kind and truthful.  If only the whole process could have been like that, kind *and* truthful.  Not kind and spinning what would come to be the better outcome.  =o/

So yes, I was coerced and while there are a lot more resources out there both online and in the library to read about the real truths of relinquishment and adoption, I suspect it's still skewed towards my experience.  I can see it on practically every adoption agency or adoption lawyers' websites in their birthparent information section.  I can see it in the answers and questions asked here on Yahoo! Answers.  I can see it without a doubt on that awful website that provides space for potential adoptive parents to post their "Dear Birthmother" letters.  I see it when I think of Cindy Jordan's suicide because of the adoptive mother writing that awful book about fast tracking adoptions by lying to their potential birthmothers about contact.  Not much at all has changed since I relinquished in 1996... not much at all.

Answer 9

I am not sure how that happens. I know in my case that it did not. I spoke with the birth mother and I keep in contact with pictures and updates. She said it was not good for her to raise the baby at this time. And even though it hurt, she did what she thought was best for the baby

Answer 10

I think that they're lied to with something along the lines of, "you can have your baby back when you're ready"...but really that means a costly court battle.

Answer 11

my mother firstly decided of her own accord to give me up,but she didn't sign anything.her parents then decided to raise me until my mother was older,and was more settled.(she had just graduated high school)

her father took her to the adoption agency,and she went in by herself to tell the social worker of her decision.however,the Social Worker told her i was  already place and settled with a family who could not have kids( they had 4 bio sons at that point,and one adopted!.they also had 4 more bio kids after me!) anyway they said i would be racially picked on in the town where she lived,and that in order for me to "fit in" i would be among black and white people,wher ei was going.anyways it turned out that i was raised in Scotland( from USA) where i was the only ethnic minority person for miles and miles.i was picked on and stared at all the time!.

When i got to meet my fmother at age 29,she was shocked that the very things she gave me up for,was for nothing.granted,she was  single teenager at the time but she got married when i was around a year old.so really my upbringing would not have been much different  if i had been raised with her. i would not say she was "forced" into giving me up,but she was lied to,and that in itself is pretty bad.

edit to add- i was fostered from birth,as my fmother did not tell her father she was pregnant.also i was not with my afamily when my fmother tried to get me back.i was in a foster home,and my aparents never  got told who the family was.so the first 5 months of my life are unknown.it doesn't seem a lot but it is very unsettling for me.

Answer 12

In my mother's case she wanted me.  She planned to parent me but because my father had split (they were married btw) some lovely Nuns and her own mother promised to help care for me until she got on her feet

Well, they were just biding their time and planned to get rid of me.  They did not approve of single parents.

One day my mother came to me and I had disappeared.

My mother was heartbroken.  I was very precious to her expecially since she thought I was a miracle because she and my father had been told she could never have children.  She had the strength and determination to survive the disappearance of my father, and still work and parent me.

Thats just one way a woman is tricked.   They want to keep the adoption records sealed because you know what?  this kind of thing will be exposed and there will be h**l to pay - forged signatures and black market adoptions all over the USA, believe me, it's not made up.

Answer 13

My 17yo daughter just had a baby, and we looked into adoption before she decided to keep her baby.  Granted we only talked with 2 agencies, but they were both very nice, and took the time to explain how the process worked.  They were also very careful to make sure everything was understood before they would let my daughter sign any paperwork, going over it several times.

When she decided to keep the baby and let them know, they immediately stopped all contact.  There was no pressure from them at all for her to change her mind.

Having had this experience, I can see no way that someone could be tricked into giving up their baby.  I guess you need to check out the agency you use to make sure they are legitimate, and ask their policy if someone changes their mind.

Answer 14

When it comes to young girls I think they often feel tricked into adoption because their family may be pushing that on them.  I was lucky and my parents supported me either way, but I have met girls whose parents have told them they will not help and they will kick them out if they keep the baby.  As a young girl, still in school, unable to make it on their own I can see why they may feel they were pushed into that direction.

Answer 15

I am new to these message boards and to my dismay, have seen that too!  I think the biggest thing is to find an agency that offers free, unbiased counseling to the expectant parents.  There should not be a financial incentive for the agency to place babies.  Most of the women who come to our agency actually end up parenting.  This means that the others have explored other options and decided to parent.  I think that often women who are at a certain point in there life that they don't have the financial resources or emotional support see adoption as the only option and as life changes and their situation improves, maybe they regret it?  I don't know.  fyi, i am a prospective adoptive parent not a birthmother so I don't really know how the process works from their perspective.

Answer 16

I'll try to be nice and not offend anyone . . .

Young girl, let's say 16-17 years old for the purposes of this example, gets pregnant.  She doesn't have an education, she doesn't have a job and daddy was gone the morning after the romp.

Her parents say they're not in a position to raise the child, financially or otherwise.

Little girl has two options . . .go live on her own and pay all the bills while going to high school

or

Understand that she's probably not stable enough, either mentally or financially, to raise a child so she makes the choice NOT to move out and take advantage of public aid, etc., and stay at home with parents to continue her education.

Let's face it -- if a girl is niave enough to be 'tricked' or too weak and is 'coerced', then she probably isn't strong enough to raise a child on her own.

Basically what happens is this -- bmoms MAKE A CHOICE, then after years of regret or wanting to know what if, they come back and say they were coerced or didn't have a choice.

with all the programs today, i believe it would be highly doubtful that any woman would be unaware of the programs to assist her in raising a kid.

Answer 17

Hi.  I'm an adoptive parent, but we didn't go the domestic infant adoption route.  The concern about this avenue of adoption is that women may be pressured by familes, by agencies, to relinquish their children.  They may not be informed of all of their rights, with regard to the period of time when they can change their minds, or even that they have to select an adoptive family before the child is born.  They may not have been informed of the resources out there to assist them, if they chose to parent the child.  

The ideal situation would be that if a woman wishes to place her child for adoption, she makes that choice without any outside influences at all, after being fully informed of her rights and after fully examining all other options.

Edited to Add: I don't know how many domestic adoptions happen under coersion and pressure, versus how many do not.  I certainly acknowledge that there are nefarious practices out there, but I don't believe this is the majority of how domestic infant adoptions happen.  I believe both the perspective adoptive family and the family considering adoption should thoroughly research an agency before choosing one.  

I've also heard someone on this board mention that they were "coercing themselves".  I'm sorry, I can't put something as subjective as this in the same catagory with agencies withholding inforrmation or applying pressure.

Answer 18

this is an answer i posted for another, similar question:

_______________________________

ok... let me try

many question how can a woman who is being abused not simply leave...

simple...coercion.

to understand "why" i think it's important to understand coercion. coercion is systematic, innocuous, subtle and often cloaked as the "right thing to do." also, there isn't a plethora of "ivy-league" educated, mature, empowered women at adoption agencies. most young women who go into adoption agencies are young, don't have the education that the adoption workers have, are extremely ambivalent about placing, and are easily manipulated. now, grant it, many fmoms are very empowered and advocate for themselves. these are not the ones we speak about. yet, the young, scared, women who are told (usually by parents, partners and others) that "adoption is a loving choice."

the act of coercion in adoption takes the form of

-pre-birth matching

-paps in the delivery room

-open adoption

-the idea that 'adoption is redemption for an out-of-wedlock pregnancy'

-guilt-tripping young women by reminding them that 'these good people will experience a pain worse than death if you change your mind'

-having paps descend on the hospital the moment a woman goes into labor; and encouraging them to never leave the hospital together.

-convincing pregnant women that adoption is the alternative to abortion.

-telling young women that 'they will go on with their lives' and not have the burden of parenting .

-telling young women that 'they are doing the best for their baby'

-having adoption workers at the hospital during the entire time post delivery.

things actually told to women:

-"if you change your mind, you will have to repay the agency and paps."

-"if you change your mind, we [adoption agency] are required by law to report that you have no resources to take care of your child and the child is potentially at risk for neglect."

more agency policies:

-discouraging n-moms from breastfeeding or rooming-in

-REFERRING TO PREGNANT WOMEN AS 'BIRTHMOTHERS.'

i can go on if you'd like.

ETA: i find it AMAZING that people who have never been in the situation to place, know exactly what young women who are or have been feel.  I also find it amazing that one can deduce that a person's ability to be coerced is an indication of her inability to parent. it makes about as much sense as my telling a man that a vasectomy doesn't hurt!  in other words...if you haven't been there YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE!

hey...every bought a new face cream or brand of deodorant because you were "sold" on the effectiveness of it?  we call it advertisement...psychologically, it's considered coercion. no one is immune to it.