Covering your plate....?

Question

Am I the only one who realizes this rule is complete c**p made up by greedy brides? I see it quoted on this board all the time.

You are having a wedding, not a fundraiser. If you can't afford the bash then don't throw such an expensive one. It's not your guests fault. If you expect them to "cover their plates" then shouldn't they be getting to choose how much that plate is gonna cost?

On the other part if I choose to have an inexpensive wedding and use the money elsewhere or get outside help covering costs...what right do you have to penalize me for that? "Oh we were gonna give 100 each to cover our plates but since you didn't have it at an expensive hotel we will only give $50" or "Since your family helped pay for the wedding I'll give you less"

Answer 1

The flip side:

I don't think is a rule, it's a guide, and besides, hardly anyone follows it.

I think is just polite that if someone is feeding, entretaining and giving you and your guest (s) drinks, you should at least contribute what it would coust you to go on at night out of town.

I've seen many people that not only bring themselves , but a bunch of univited guests too to eat, drink, get the centerpieces and grab the left over favors at weddings... and then do not even bring  a gift.

People should be polite when attending an event. People do put a lot of time, money and effort into planning their weddings and guests should respect that and try not to take advantage of it.

I would never attend a wedding and not bring a propper gift, I give accordingly to my means, but I have also gave generously because I'm considerate of the hosts.

Thankfully, I can buy my own stuff and I do not rely on my wedding to subsidy my married life or to set up my home, but everyone that I know knows better than to show up empty handed to my or any wedding.

Good luck

Answer 2

Although I agree with you, where is your question? I think you just posted this to vent, in my opinion...

Answer 3

You get a star just because I agree with you 150%!!!!  Gifts are voluntary, I say it on this board all the time.  You give what you can afford to give, and I also base my decision on how close I am to the couple.  I gave my siblings much more than I did my husband's 2nd cousin.  It's the responsibility of the bride (and groom) to graciously accept all gifts, and acknowledge them with thank you notes.  And it doesn't matter if the gift is $10 or $10,000, they should be equally grateful for each one.

Answer 4

No, thankfully you are not the only person who realizes that.  Unfortunately when this is pointed out to those who ask that kind of question on here, they get defensive and don't take the time to actually see that what they are doing to their guests (expecting them to fund the wedding) is wrong.

Edit: Sarcoplasm - I find your generalization about the northeast offensive. Etiquette/manners are taught to children up here, and in other parts of the country besides the south.

Answer 5

you are so totally right. it makes me sick when i hear people spout off that "rule". are you getting married for love or just so you can get gifts?

Answer 6

I think this was started by rich, greedy brides who don't even pay for their own wedding!

Mommy and Daddy paid.

Most couples I know pay for their own wedding (cause they don't have rich parents) and they are so gracious about the gifts they receive.

While I've heard couples laugh at some odd gifts given (cross-stich calendars), they've NEVER commented on the cost of the gift.

So many people on this site were so badly brought up by their parents!

As a child, if I did anything but smile broadly and thank profusely after being given a gift, I was sure to get a nasty  look  and a pinch under the table!

I love the south, it's the only place left in America where children are still taught manners/ettiquette.

I don't know what to do about these kids growing up in the northeast!

Tsk!  Tsk!

EDIT:  Sorry to offend, the last two posts about "paying for a plate" came from New York and Rhode Island.

Answer 7

Totally agree.  The guests are not in charge of how much is spent on the wedding.  /they are responsible for giving a gift they can afford or even whether to give a gift.

It's just greed.

Answer 8

I think you should give what you can afford and what you want to give.

Answer 9

This is not a rule made by brides, is it?  

When we've attended weddings - we have always brought a gift that would at least cover our plates if not more.  This is a terrible expense and we want to help our friends any way we can.  Having said that - people should give what they can afford.  I have some friends who are well off and will likely to be quite generous and others who make less.  We just want people to be able to join us and we will do our best to keep our budget on track.  At a minimum, we usually give $100 per a person

Answer 10

Hi.  I am in total agreement.  I never heard of that until I started posting on here.

I also totally agree with your second statement.  So, if you choose to have an outdoor wedding with a BBQ, then what are your guests supposed to give you if you "cover the cost of the plate".....about $5!!  C'mon.  

I give with regard to how well I know that person.  Since we live in a rural area you get invited to many weddings where you actually don't even know the couple....but perhaps the parents of either the bride or groom.  In that instances, I don't give all that much.  However, if I go to a wedding that I actually DO know the bride and/or the groom, well, then of course, I give more or buy a gift off of their registry.

I have never heard of the "covering your plate" thing.  Like you said.....if the bride and groom can afford a $100/plate per person....well good for them.  I am totally happy for them and for being invited to their wedding.  However, I don't think I also need to give them that $100 back!

I give from the heart and also what I can afford.

Answer 11

Maybe it's an old-timer's rule.  But I don't like it.

A 2nd cousin of mine (who I am not close to - and was surprised by the invite), recently had a small, 100 person wedding.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to book time off work, or how I could afford it (out of town and I had just moved).  

My mom told me if I wasn't going to at least cover the plates and give them at least $40 extra, that I was rude and shouldn't even bother going.  WHATEVER.  I went anyways, and gave what I could afford, which was a sheet set and $40 cash.  I hoped that she  (bride) would rather have my presence than presents, and wouldn't care if I couldn't afford to give a gift.  But alas, she didn't look happy to see me at all, and have not received thank you cards yet, though I'll give it more time.  

It bugs me also that people are trying to discourage my fiance and I from a destination wedding because "we won't get as many gifts".  Personally I don't care.  I'd rather have a fun time with people I care about than a huge ceremony where I'm rushing around just to say "hi" to all my guests.

Answer 12

i don't think that this was invented by greedy brides. for that matter, i'm not even sure how the justification of this "rule" (so-called) came about. how did we suddenly decide "you know, i feel bad that the bride and groom are going through all this careful planning. i'm still going to go and take advantage of their pocketbooks, but i will make sure to leave enough for them to help with my part of the meal." why not leave a bit to help with the cost of the other aspects of the wedding that you enjoyed--like the venue, the dress, the dj....how about if you dance for more than one song, you need to pay out $10 per any additional songs.

like you said, if i'm "expected" to cover my plate, then i want macaroni and cheese and tator tots, please.

weddings are glorified parties. i love them. i always thank the couple AND their parents for the invitation. but the one thing that they are not are fundraisers. couples need to have the party they can comfortably afford. and plan their future finances (excluding monetary gifts) to help pay for the expense.

Answer 13

I think this is an under the table rule...I don't think it was made up by greedy brides. I think that it is just sort of expected in some circles. In other circles, it is not.

I know some of our guests will do that and some will not, which is fine by me.