Daughter dont like boyfriend

Question

I have an issue I am 24 yrs old and currently dating a guy that is not my daughters father. He is a really great guy but my four year daughter dont like him and she tells him that she dont. He wants everything in the world to do with her but she throws a fit if she has to stay or go with him and I'm not going too. We dont want to break up because of this we want to get married and start a family together but its coming to a point that we may have to its not fair to her, him or me. We've tried talking to her about why she dont like him but she doesnt give an exact answer she just says "she wants mommy and daddy to get married and if they do then she'll like him" me and her dad were only together about a year and a half of her like the rest I've been dating my current boyfriend. Dont know what approach to take with her or what action to make.

Answer 1

I know that my answer will sound pretty negative to you and I'm sorry for that.  Your 4 year old daughter should be your priority and not the boyfriend. Your question raises a red flag for me and I have to ask--why are letting her stay with him or go with him without you being there?  Almost every day we see news articles about children being abused and sometimes even killed by their mother's boyfriend (who is not the child's dad.)  Your boyfriend may be the best person in the world to you, but do you really know what goes on when your 4 year old daughter is alone wih him.

Dr. Laura Schlesinger says that a parent should never start another relationship until their child is 18. I tend to agree with her. I know it sounds unfair.  But when you bring a child into this world, all of your focus should be on the child and helping raise them to adulthood. It's not the child's fault that your relationship with her father did not work.  Unfortunately that is what happens when people get pregnant without the benefit of the committment of marriage.

You say that you and your boyfriend are talking marriage and starting a family.  Stop and think what that would mean to the daughter that you already have. Her mommy is having other babies with another man. Her daddy is not in the picture. But these other babies have a mommy and daddy living with them all the time.  How fair is that?  Plus, your boyfriend will probably treat his own flesh and blood children differently than his step-daughter. (For her sake I really hope not, but seriously, it does happen.)

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound so negative, but I just want you to think of all of the issues good and bad about bringing another father-figure into your daughter's life. Please be careful.

Answer 2

Only if you are ABSOLUTELY positive your boyfriend isn't being mean to her, hasn't abused her in any way, or hasn't given her any reason to behave this way, then consider the following:

I have a feeling she "rules the nest".....not just in this, but in everything.  She is used to getting her own way....she's the boss.  She knows she's in control....she says, "Jump", and you say, "How high?"  At the age of four, she has absolutely no say in who you are with or why.  You need to bring some discipline into her life.  Move on with your plans, let her know in no uncertain terms that this is the way it's going to be, she doesn't have a choice, and if she is disrespectful to him, she is going to be punished.  She needs to learn some manners and some respect for you and your choices.

Answer 3

Try to get your boyfriend and your daughter to spend some quality time tiogether wich might help your daughter get used to this new member of the family alsoo let your daughter know that her father still loves her very much and this new man isnt replacing him..Good Luck!!

Answer 4

4 sounds too young for your daughter to be going away and doing things alone with your boyfriend...don't force it.  Plan some fun, family outings for the 3 of you to do together.

Answer 5

Your daughter is too young to make reference to anyone but the man that was in her life from infancy. You need to ask yourself questions about your relationship with this person. Does he care for her as if she were his biological child? If she is suspicious of being left alone, take a bold step and have her checked out by a doctor. You do not leave anything to chance. If all is right from a medical stand point, try to talk to her and let her be a part of most of the things that you do together.Include her in everything that you and your boyfriend do.Let her know from your actions that you are still mommy and you will be there for her when she needs you. Remember, she is too young to make reference to anyone but her biological father. Act accordingly to her age group. Check the web for folk that are going through the same situation as you. Also, talk to your mother and father if it is feasoble. Talk to a priest/minister or a counselor.  

Answer 6

this is your boyfriend not your daughters  if you are happy than stay with him  but dont forget about your daughter hang out with her try and show her that he is a really nice guy  

Answer 7

having him spend more time with the two of you will enhance the relationship but ease with the transition.  It is not uncommon for 4 year olds to want their mom and dad back together.    Instead of thinking about breaking up, have the three of you go into counseling.  Often step families are very difficult to transition and a mediator is a great idea.  An outside source such as a therapist will help your daughter and your future husband to better communicate with each other.  

Answer 8

i'd say this is something that u work on over a period of time and that your daughter WILL eventually come around if he is good to her. I think however that you can talk to her more and explain yourself thoroughly, maybe with your bf or it might be better alone. Reassure her of the things that wld stay the same though you are not with daddy eg, ur love for her, her dad's love for her. Let her know noone can take that away and also that your bf loves her and wants to be good to her just like her daddy is. Remember tho that you both will be parenting her together so she WILL eventually come along. I had the same situation with my 3 yr old. Now shes always kissing him, getting tickles, they watch barbie together and the whole nine yards. I often say i wish i had a stepfather like that but i never had anything close. these kids are more well of than we think so dont loose sleep just let everything fall into place. The hardest part is finding that special man to love and cherish not only you but everything that comes with you and you got that.