Daughter threatened me?

Question

hello I have a 16 year old daughter named caden, she is going to graduate highschool this upcoming year she will be 17.

my 18 year old daughter just got home from a party.

and now my 16 year old caden came up to me and told "mom can we talk please"

she said:

"mom i'm graduating highschool this year and i just want to let you know that the way things are happening here will change, i will no longer be kept here like a slave i will go out and enjoy my life and go out and party and drink, i'm sorry but i am really sick of the way you guys have been treating me, i can't go anywhere without you or dad following me, and i behave more than perfect"

how do i take in all of this? to know that my daughter is in a sense threatning me that she will leave the house when she graduates from highschool?

I understand that i have been very strict but she is my child and i deeply love, she always ask me to go out to concerts alone and i say no, only if your father comes, she tells me she wants to stay out till 11 pm and i say no that is too late for a 16 year old to arrive home.

how do i possibly deal with this?

I have four other kids

three girls 1 boy

the boy is 14

two of the girls are twins and are both 10

and the other girl is 5, my oldest daughter is 18.

Answer 1

wow lady!!

this is some crazy sht!!

i think u should trust her...oh idk...its soo hard to deal w/something like that when its not ur own kid...i have 2 daughters ages 2n3, it would hurt so bad to hear one of them talk to me like that...I'm tryin to think as if it was my own, but sht it sucks...hummm...maybe if u do let her do things she wants she'll get tried and bord of it sooner and come to realize its not all that...let her learn from her own mistakes, cuz I'm sure u don't want her out in the streets if she dose leave home, as long as you know she will be comin home that should comfort you some.  i think you should negotiate w/her and tell her "fine you wanna go out and party and come home late, then get a job to pay for ride over there and call me to let me know what time ull be getting home cuz one thing for sure is that ur little butt is gonna come home"

i hope the best for you lady, cuz u sure need it!! good luck.

Answer 2

This  is how you handle it... YOU IGNORE HER outburst.

You are doing fine. IGNORE anyone here who accuses you of being a bad parent. If they had had good parents the word S****y would NOT be in their log on name.

YOU ARE THE PARENT... you aren't her buddy. This means you set rules and keep them.

YOU AREN'T A HOTEL OR APARTMENT COMPLEX... which means she REPORTS to you when you TELL HER TO.

SHE IS NOT AN ADULT and your JOB is to make sure she reaches adulthood to become a productive adult.

She will either like this or lump it. DO NOT GIVE IN. She will come to you in 25 yrs thanking you.

Stay strong, please. Too many brats and spoiled kids litter this country as it is. You are a parent, not a friend.  

Answer 3

As much as you love her.. tell her

1.) As long as shes in your house, she will do as she's told. Because, yes. 11PM is too late for a 16 year old to be out, and she has no business drinking before she's of age.

2.) If she doesn't like it, tell her to move out if that's what she wants.

Then..give her about a week, and see how fast she comes back.

Trust me, I'm 20 years old, engaged, and in desperate need of a job...so needless to say..i just recently got slapped in the face with reality and it's not pretty.

She'll come around.

Answer 4

ur a horrible parent, i think u should back the f*ck off ur poor daughter.

geez, if ur that strict i hope she does move out, any environment is better than what uv been putting that poor kid through!!

get over ursef and ur own insecurites, the girls old enough to doo what she wants.

Answer 5

stop being so strict

11pm is too late for a 16 year old???

im 16 and most of my friends curfews are atleast 12 till liek 4

Answer 6

better get some parent training or google parenting tips so your other kids will not have to give you the same ultimatums.  

You are their teacher and have to do things right for them.

Answer 7

Handcuff her to the bed beating her and getting total dominance

Answer 8

You just realize that she may not appreciate you until she has a teenage daughter of her own.  then the light bulb will go on as to what you were doing - loving her the best way a mom can.  of course, she could say to herself that she won't be like you and have a child that makes her a grandmother when she is only 12!!!  anyway, just keep focused on what you are doing.  teenage daughters are supposed to hate their mothers.  if they didn't, they would never move out.  good luck.

Answer 9

mommy dearest, :)

shes a 16 year old...give her some space. You obviously have raised her well, so why cant you trust her?  if she took the time to talk this through with you, and not have a major attitude problem either, she obviously respects you and loves you too. i can agree that drinking is not okay, but her curfew....hmm...try letting her stay out till one for like a week or so.  see how she handles it...  talk to her more on the subject...give her a little bit of freedom, but you know, not to an extreme.

Answer 10

don't worry try backing off just a bit, tell her how you feel and listen to how she feels. try allowing her to do some stuff by herself but stuff you really feel uncomfortable about say no to but give her valid reasons. try telling her you love her and only want to the best for her. if she won't listen and ends up making mistakes just remember this is just part of God's plan and she'll learn from them. set some boundaries between you and her like you can stay out until 8 but not till 11. that kind of thing if you're desperate.

Answer 11

It sounds like it's time to start letting go. She's telling you something very important and you have to listen to her. By letting go you don't stop loving her less, but you allow her to begin growing up as an independent person. How will she manage in life if you bar her from experiencing it on her own. I too have a 16 yr old girl and that was a hard lesson for me, but it's for their own good. Doesn't mean you are not involved, but you stop following her around and show her that you trust her. If it helps, tell her you want to try, but she has to show you that she's responsible. Let her earn your trust so she can gain some freedom and you can gain some peace of mind. But most of the hard work will come from you as her parents. There's no other way, if you don't offer her this, she will leave the house first chance she gets because she's being suffocated at home. Let her grow up and enjoy the young lady she has turned into, with your help.

Answer 12

tell her when shes out doing all this drinking and partying that she better be going home to a house that will allow her in at those crazy hours in the morning.its your house and if she still lives there, you decide what time she comes in and leaves unless she pays rent.take control, if shes still under your roof, you still have control.18 year olds are not independent unless their completley on their own! good luck  

Answer 13

Hi Dear,

  You need to sit her down and put the rules to her. She is the child not the parent.If she doesn't follow your and your husbands rules i would put her in juvenile hall for a week or 2 and i bet she will straighten up real fast My Friend.Good Luck.

Your Friend,

poppy1

Answer 14

This is typicall teenage behavior. I would recommend that you remain the authoratative figure in her life however, most teenagers need a little freedom in order to mature. I would suggest that you, the father, and herself seek a counseler to serve as a family mediator that can help compromise on what is and is not acceptable for a girl her age.  

Answer 15

First of all, a kid has the same rights whether 7 or 17... basically none. Just because she graduated high school does not make her an adult, so she does not have the full rights of an adult.

You do, however need to allow her some privileges, such as going to concerts with friends, but she cannot be going out and getting drunk... she is too young and there are too many risks. If she gets in trouble, that is when you need to curtail her privileges... spell that one out for her.

You are in a situation as the parent where setting precedents has long term effects because there are more kids coming up.

You need to sit your two eldest down for a little meeting and spell out some basic rules:

*  There are two basic requirements for these two to continue living under your roof... college and work. Either college or both... and you have to make decent grades.  If you cannot do college correctly, you either have to curtail all other activities and buckle down, or move out and try to support yourself. No other choices.

*  This is not "Animal House" so there are rules... you must maintain a curfew for all the chicks to be in the nest (one time on weeknights, another on weekends). Coming and going at all hours is disruptive to your household.

*  Everyone has to clean up after themselves and do their additional common area maintenance chores.

*  If they don't like it, the door is that-a-way.

Answer 16

Let her go but keep the door open. Have some faith in her. Let her live and make mistakes. Mistakes are life lessons. It will prepare her for life as an adult.  Let her know you will be there for her no matter what. Tell her she can talk to you about anything.

I am 26. My parents gave me my space and freedom as a teenager. I learned a lot. Not only from the mistakes I made but watching friends fail.  

Caden sounds as if she has a good head. Put trust in her that she will make smart decisions. Catch her if she falls.

Answer 17

ok, I hate to admit this.... I really do!! I'm 17 years old and i'm the youngest daughter of 4!!!! All my sisters are moved out, married, and have kids. Well my mother isn't exactly being the most easy going person right now since she knows i'm about to graduate HS from a online school, I work a full time job at a insurance company, I'm turning 18 in 4 months, and i've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. She has become crazy strick on me lately. I concider myself a good, well behaved daughter, and I follow the rules that my parents have since I still live under their roof. but well ALL my friends have like a midnight curfew, some even later, I have to be home at 10:30 on weekends and 9:30 on week nights. Thats barely time for me to do anything, not even enough time to go see a late movie. Well i'm never late getting home, and if i'm going to be late I call my parents. This last time I lost track of time.... wasn't good. My dad lectured me for a hour about all sorts of stuff, and being late etc. So of course I argued my point and the next day, he said that since i'm about to be 18 I can start to make some of my own choices, but with choices, comes responsibility. Understandable right?? Well I just paid my car off, have a full time job, pay for everything on my own including expensive gas lol but what I don't pay is.... car insurance an my cell phone bill. So I now have a 12 oclock curfew, have to pay my car insurance, and my phone bill!! Its really not a big deal to me now that I have my car paid off to pay my other bills, but now that I have a 12 curfew, guess what time i'm home at night?? Usually between 10:30 and 11:00 haha!! 12 was fun for awhile, but it got old after about 2 or 3 weekends, an monday morning for work i was worn out!! So the only thing I really did by argueing about a curfew and how strick they were on me, only got me more bills. I can understand you not wanting her to go to a concert alone.... but I can also understand her not wanting her dad to go. I'd rather skip the concert rather then my dad go with me. As long as you know where she is at, who she is with, and when she is going to be home try giving her a little more rope. Sounds like a crazy thing to do probably but as a teenager myself, the fun doesn't last long! and really, what the heck is there to do in town at 12?? NOTHING!!! I love the fact that I have till 12 now, but I don't use it very often. Your her parent, and in the long run, she will still love you, and she will understand later why you do what your doing. Just a heads up though, if you keep her trapped under your arm all the time, she will probably start to rebel. Telling you she is spending the night w/ a friend, but really goes out and parties, maybe is home on time but then sneaks out after you go to bed, do anything she can to get away. :) This might not help, but I know my parents gave me some rope, and it turned the tables on me. Good luck with her!!! At least you love her enough to care about her and what she is doing rather then just saying ok cya have fun. :)  

Answer 18

Well, drinking, especially underage drinking is not tolerated in my home. If your morals are the same you must enforce it. If she wishes to be a grown up she can pay rent and have her own home.  There, if she wishes to drink and party, the choice is hers.

How are her grades? Yes that matters. No she still is underage to drink. But is she a good student and a normally well mannered young lady or is she a poor student and troublesome at home?  I would try to give her more freedom if she is a good student and young lady. But if she is telling you she wants to drink, I would be concerned about the friends that she has and why she is desiring to do this so much. She can have fun without drinking. I believe in curfews..but I also believe that if there is safe transportation and I can trust my child, I have no problem with my kids going to concerts. Depends on the concert and the friends they are taking with them. If you think 11 p.m. is too late, you must go with your feelings. I do personally think if my child is well behaved and has made good choices of friends who do not get into trouble, my curfew would be 11 or no later than 12. But I must alway know who my kids are with, where they are, and when they will be home. One minute late, without a phone call and they are grounded.  It is tough to let go but each year that my kids got older I had to let go just a little more...if they didn't breach our trust.

I just read your additional details.  If you have kids that are not well behaved, you have to get on the bandwagon and help them now. Otherwise they will have sad unhappy lives. Start with a book called Accountable Kids.  1-888-688-kids or the website is www. accountable kids . com You can probably find all you need on their website. The concept is what is important...not so much their entire program.  In a nutshell, they earn what they want by good behavior, helping out, all within reason...so the drinking is still out.

Make them show you that if they act mature, you will give them more and more privileges,,,which could include later curfews and concerts...but they must earn it and you have to set what you are willing to offer them as privileges. Have a family meeting. Feel free to e-mail me if I can help. You are the parent.

Don't give up.  The rude answers speak for themselves. Think about it.  The person who thought this was a bull question, couldn't even add the number of kids you have. Consider the source. There are lots of mean people out there and just jumping for a chance to make you feel bad. But don't. Hold your head high and know that ALL parents feel like throwing in the towel now and then. Take care of your family. I am sorry to hear about all the troubles mounting up. Sometimes it feels overwhelming...but believe me, we learn from them and they help us become stronger. You will need strength and love to guide your daughter. Listen to your heart and make sure you think through each thing you say. It is harder to take things back.

Answer 19

I understand that you love your daughter, every mother does.  You can't be with her all you life.  Sooner or later she's going to venture out into the real world on her own.  She's sixteen, instead of going with her everywhere, tell her the safety rules and guidelines and just experiment with it and if you see that she is responsible then work from there.  

Answer 20

intel she is 18 she doe's what you say she should be lucky at the age of 16 to be out in tell 11pm when i was 16 i had to be home at 9pm unless it was the weekend or a school day off so take charge and don't ever give up and it sucks having a mom that has cancer that makes even more stress for you.

Answer 21

Can you count?  That's six kids total, not five.  This question is bullsh*t.

Answer 22

Every Kids dream is to grow up and be with their parents, but as a teenager, things change. You need to let your daughter out more often and without you! You can’t keep her with you everywhere you go. You can, but it is just plain stupid. Why? Because your ruining the relationship between you and your daughter. Keeping her everywhere you go, shows that you can’t trust her. Imagine yourself right now, still with your mother or father, following you everywhere you go, watching your every step. You would feel like a prisoner. Sometimes you have to put yourself in that situation and see what you want. You are lucky that is all she said to you, and I mean it! You need to watch yourself. Doesn’t your wife ever tell you how ridiculous you look? And this message goes to every stubborn parent there is! If I were your son I would leave you! For good. I know how to take care of myself. I have a open mind and I am very smart. So I would suggest that you talk to her and tell her how you are sorry and take her out! But what she said about drinking................................... is out of her mind. I would slap her even if I am only 14. I went through a lot as a child, so I know what to say.

Answer 23

i say you tell her, in a calm voice, "ya know, your gonna s***w up your life if you do that, and ill be there to help u, but to a point"

Answer 24

It's just a phase, by the time she reaches age 21 hopefully she will realise how stupid she's being.

Or she could've just been drunk when she said that to you.

Answer 25

You are in dire need of a one-on-one conversation with your 16 yr old. You need to start respecting her for the young woman she is becoming rather than the child you still believe she is. I'm not saying to just let her do anything she wants but her "threat" is really just what you've taught her to do. You give her rules as a parent would give rules to a child. No compromise allowed. So she goes straight for the ultimatum.

As for her threatening to leave after graduating. Why would any parent believe that to be a threat. Kids grow up, go off to college, move away. That's life. You need to reconcile that within yourself and try to have a decent conversation with her.

Answer 26

don't worry bout it too much it's just a phase and honestly i think you shouldn't be so strict let her have a lil fun in life and i don't think anyone would consider this question 'bullshit' but come on you also have like 5 or 6 kids and she'll be an adult soon

Answer 27

What's with all of the negative comments? People are unbeileably rude. My parents wanted to take me out of college because i was too attached to my girflriend and i threatened to leave just like your daughter. the truth is, in college it'll be hard to be on her own, so yes she will love the freedom becuase my parents were very strict but she'll need you guys. i wouldn't worry too much, i'm sure she loves you and once she hits college and looks at how expensive it is, she'll realize she was just being childish. good luck to you love!

Answer 28

This is semi- normal behaviour.  She is testing her limits as well as yours.  What you need to do is

#1 Talk with her father so that you are on the same page.

#2 Realize that your daughter is becoming a young adult.

#3 Inform your daughter that as parents you are legally responsible for her until she is 18.  This means underage drinking is out of the question.

#4 Booth parents sit down and advise her of exactly what the rules of the house are which you agreed upon with the dad.

#5 Love her but be firm with her.

Answer 29

~ hi ~! I think your daughter is just expressing her independence. I can tell what she said really hurt you and you're not sure how to respond.

Some things to remember is the value system your raised your daughter with is there, you gave her a solid foundation and obviously provided her with structure in your home.

However, I do think as a parent IF your daughter remains under your roof after she graduates, regardless if she is 18. She will still have to follow your rules. (I'm not sure if she's going away from college, but you have to realize if she is going away to college, she will grow more independent.) Inevitably that's what we want for her children.

Obviously, you're going to have go with your own value system on this, but I do think once she graduates, you can't expect the rules to be as tight as they were when she was in High School. I have a son in Junior College and he still lives at home, but he works and he is more independent than my 14 year olds. Obviously, as my son has become an adult I have had to loosen up on some of the rules. However, I still have rules - he still isn't allowed to stay out all night. Some may say that's strict for a 20 year old. But, my feeling is if he wants to be away from home, he can get his own place. He respects my values and he has a lot of common sense. I'm not saying he never rebelled, he came home drunk a few times, but he's discovered on HIS own he hates drinking. That is something he had to learn on his own.

Of course I'm very strict with my daughter, because she is still young, she has an early curfew and has an expectation of grades.

At this point, I would let the discussion wait until the morning. I would let her know you understand that as you gets older she will be wanting to be more independent, (that is normal). However, as long as she's living with you, she will have to live my the rules you set for your house.

Again, sounds strict, but hey I personally believe as long as the adult child lives with the parent they still have an obligation to follow the house rules.

I hope you can work through this with her.  

Answer 30

Sorry to hear that but this happens all the time when the parents over protect their daughter. One sample is Hulk Hogan's daughter Brooke. See your show Brooke Knows Best.  

Answer 31

Maybe she has felt that she was a "slave" or "trapped" many times before and just now had the courage to say something. Maybe she wants to hang out with her older sister and go to parties like her.

you are NOT a horrible mother. for asking a question on yahoo answers, I think you are a very good mother as a matter of fact. you obviously really care.

I don't think her threat was very serious. sometimes kids say things and don't understand the full affect. I know i have told my mother a few things that I don't even remember saying, but she is hurt by.

I would try to talk to her, let her know that you are worried to hear that she wants to go out and drink. but also understand that her friends are probably drinking and other people in her high school are too. its a "freedom" phase, right before college.