Desperate Marriage help?

Question

What would you do if you had a husband for 6 year's and been telling him that you was sick of the way you live, living with her mother and father, losing home after home, can't pay the bill's, will not get a job that has health insurance just has self-employed, can't afford any thing for the children or them, living on just 50.00 dollar's a week, always making up excuse's, everything you tell him he can not keep it to himself, the marriage conversations never stay betweenthe two because of him, he throws everything up in the past in her face, he bring's her self esteem down, treats her like she is stupid and he is smarter, he put's her in to depression all the time to where she does not want to get out of bed, he live's in the past instead of wanting to go forward for the future, he refuses to change for the better, make's fun of her because she has made a step in to changing her life and following god for a better life for her, you name it this man does it all. She tell's him straight point blank what she want's, what she wants from him and he still saids what do you want from me. he does not understand at all, he does not listen to her at all. this is just the good side. what would you do if you had a man like this? she is really tired and has tried everything, she changed how she told him, she has wrote him millions of letter's even made him a cd movie, even wrote him an million emails to and changed communication to but nothing yet.

Answer 1

DIVORCE HIM!!! Move on with your life.  It wont get any better til you make a change.

Answer 2

I would tell this woman that she needs to get out of her marriage. He isnt listening now, what will make him change? She doesn't deserve to be unhappy...

Answer 3

Sadly, all you can do is listen to your friend, tell her that no matter what choice she makes, you will be there for her. It's impossible to get inside of people's heads to figure out why they stay in unhealthy relationships; whether it's a marriage, a job, etc. If she leaves, the when will have to be on her terms. Sadly, as abusive as the relationship is, she can't leave. You could also suggest that she talk to a counselor at a womens shelter....maybe they can help with her self esteem and get her back on track.

Answer 4

I would be divorced if I were you.  

Answer 5

what you are asking him to do takes Work and Commitment. maybe he is not ready to do that. if he is lazy. you will never change him. you or her needs to think about your life and the lives of her her children. it is not easy. but it needs to be done. Good Luck.

Answer 6

If she doesn't get rid of him, she'll only be losing more of herself. He needs to go.  

Answer 7

Action speaks louder than words.  A cliche' but a very wise one.  Whether this is really you or a friend, it doesn't matter.  It is very clear that the frustrated wife is saying a lot, a very lot, and has been over and over.  She is "talking the talk" but needs to "walk the walk" instead.  She is talking a lot and telling how unhappy she is and what she needs and wants but she is not following through with setting herself up to "walk the walk" and get out of the relationship unless her husband is willing to meet her half way in satisfying the needs of her and the family.

While not talking much, her husband's silence and inaction is speaking far more volumes that all the talking and words she is using.  In otherwords, the wifes excessive effort to explain herself is not being followed up with "walking the walk" to back up and insist the needs be met or she will definitely follow through on getting out of this marriage.   She is saying a lot, and simultaneously in essense saying nothing.  Very shallowly, this is what is meant by being "full of hot air".  Again, on the flip side, he is saying little to nothing verbally but speaking loudly, fluently and very specifically with his inactions towards her expressed needs, desires, and unhappiness.

To compound matters, after being together this long, and six years is plenty of time to become "bonded", that is exactly what has happened...one can be "bonded to their abuser" and this may not be physical abuse but it certainly is emotional abuse.  It is so true, we cannot change anyone else, we can only change ourselves and our attitude toward any person or situation we are in.  It is a very, very difficult and painful thing to do, empowering oneself instead of pointing the finger and blaming our miserable life on someone else.  This truly is not a dress rehearsal.  We have one life and one shot at it.

This situation is not easy, but help is out there.

One example is a group called CODA - Codependents Anonymous - a ten step program of recovery for people in codependent relationships.  The fellowship is wonderful and strength can be gained.   Support groups are out there and usually have no cost attached.  Marriage counselling is good when two people desire to get help and work vigorously at it.  Sadly, too often one wants help and the other isn't willing to try.. "take me as I am..." attitude.

I wish you or your friend my best, and I hope this has been of some help to you.  Pat

Answer 8

I would have left him a long time ago.  Why live this way you cant be happy.

Answer 9

Wow I only read threw the first couple of sentences and she is probably the only thing that is keeping this guy from being a homeless bag man and street beggar. Not worth keeping , she may never get a dime from him in child support if she leaves but lardy anything is better than that. At least she can get better help as a single .He is a loser and free loader. Time to go .

Answer 10

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Answer 11

this woman needs to move on. its her life not his what she needs to do is tell him to change or she is out of here if that guy doesnt budge then she needs to leave him simple as that. she needs to go make a future for herself tell her to divorce that foo

Answer 12

FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN - they are the real victims here........

stop all the whining and go find them a good male role model.

Answer 13

It she talked to him over and over and no change I strongly suggest counseling.  When they said their vows they were a list of things for good or for bad.  Better or worse ect.

Give it a chance to let things work it self out.  He may have something really bothering him to make him feel this way.

Pray to God to change his ways and mold him into the husband that is desired.

It no change after trying over and over then do what is best!

Answer 14

I'd tell him just two words, you chose

F*** you

get out

I'm done

We're through

it's over

leave now

bye bye

see ya

beat it

adios mother f***er

get lost

divorce Now!

Answer 15

if you are not happy and it definitely sounds that things are horrible. the best thing that you can do is pack your bags while hes gone and and keep on going to a better place for yourself and your children. it just takes courage to say enough is enough and go on with your life and let the past go. you will eventually be happier and possibly more self reliant and have the mental sanity that you deserve and the same for your children.they all ways say that if momma is not happy no one else is.

Answer 16

You know if you want to divorce him...you don't need our permission which sounds like what you are searching for. its your life.

Answer 17

I would say that this woman is in an emotionally abusive relationship and here is what I would tell her:

~Emotional abusers rarely change (let's say eggs hatch dogs more often...), so give up on trying to tell him how you feel and expect him to understand. He can't.

~Just because he doesn't mean to do it or doesn't realize what he is doing is not good enough reason to bear it.

~You can't change him, you can only save yourself. You need to get out. In a loving partnership each elevates the other. That is why people get married. Nobody gets married so they can be devalued and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

~You are not in love with him, you are in love with "your dream of him". It doesn't match your reality because it isn't real. Whatever you think you are in love with, it is your creation and is keeping you trapped. If you use your power to create your own life instead of giving it away to him so he can destroy you with it, you will have a better life. Believe it and do it.

~You did not deserve this. It's not your fault. You got sucked into it - yes. Probably because you have a history of being treated poorly and told you don't deserve better. But that doesn't mean there is nothing better for you than this. There is and you do deserve it.

~What you feel is real. You are not crazy.

Then I would refer this woman to: www.youarenotcrazy.com and hope that she finds some support and validation there that will give her a start - the strength to take control of her life and create it with the beauty she deserves.

God bless you. I wish you all the best and sincerely hope that I have helped someone step into a better future in this moment.