Do you think Adoptees are understood ?

Question

Do you think adoptees have a hard time in life ? keeping friends, staying in good stead with family and people

Do you think that they in fact have a hard time relating with people and why do you think that is ?

And what do you think can be done to solve this ?

Do you think that it should be mandatory that all adoptees get counselling along with the adoptive parents as the adoptee grows up ?

Would that help ?

Why do you think adoptees have difficulties relating to people and end up lonely

Answer 1

My fiance was adopted, he has no emotional problems from it and has a great relationship with both his adoptive parents and his birth parents.

Answer 2

You do have a very good question here!

I am a birthmother of a daughter who was adopted out to another home. I wanted my baby to be placed in a LDS home but they put her in another relion home. Oh well can't do much about that now. LOL.

I recently came in contact with my baby Jessica in December 2008! From what I can tell so far she seems to be happy although there are some things that worry me about how she is living her life now. She just recently left a abusive husband and that concerns me that she was even with him and for so many years.

Is it the way she was raised? Would cancelling through the years helped her? Would it have changed her life to where she wasn't married to this guy? I have no idea. I do know that she was raised in a very loving home. I cannot see any type of neglect or abuse in her home.

Answer 3

all that sounds like a crock in my opinion.  in most cases, it doesn't matter which family a child is with, they can still end up lonely and all that.

Answer 4

i think some do have a hard time in life..i think some have a hard time living day to day...sometimes you cant get over that feeling of loss...i remember the day i found out for sure my mother was dead...the day i got her death certificate in the mail with her name on it...i had ordered it and new it was coming i sat and stared at this envelope for an hour before i opened it...i felt as though she were ripped away from me at that moment and it was 33 years later....i cried and moped around for a week..until someone at work finally told me...i had never mourned her...and i had to get it out of my system...some people can bounce back..some struggle..i guess we arent much different than any one else..we may just have more scars on the inside

Answer 5

I don't think that all of them are like that. I guess it depends on the family they are with. Even if the baby were to stay with its own family, there is no guarantee that things would turn out differently. I mean, there are a lot of people having the same difficulties and they weren't adopted, right?

Answer 6

It really depends on the adoptee and adopter.

Adoptees have a hard time if they give themselves a hard time or their caretakers or people around them give them a hard time. Especially if they're teased.

As I said, it depends on the person. Sometimes they push away in fear of rejection, but sometimes adoptees have faith and keep trying.

I think people should reach out to those who have been adopted, and should treat them no differently as anybody else. They're the same as us inside and out.

No I don't. Counselling is just a person who thinks they know what they're talking about telling you what to do. People can make it on their own through common sense and personal judgement.

No, counselling (in my opinion) won't help.

I don't think adoptees will have a hard time if they believe in themselves and try to be more positive. It can be tough, but it's an obstacle worth attempting to overcome.

Answer 7

Yes, I do believe that the entire "adoption triad" is misunderstood.  Adoption is misunderstood.

But as far as adoptees being lonely and having difficulty relating to people, the stats just do not support that.  As a group overall, adoptees adopted as infants are about as healthy or unhealthy as most people.  In fact, some studies have shown we/they may be healthier or more intelligent in some aspects.

However, if we then include stats on children adopted later in life (after years of trauma, abuse or neglect), then we could expect different results, just as we could comparing non adopted children who were abused, neglected or experienced trauma to those non-adoptees who were not abused or did not experience trauma.

Counseling would be a good option for some, and support groups would be as well.  Often just knowing there are others who identify with our life is supportive.

I think also that as the children of open adoption become older, we will see the those stats for healthy, adjusted adult adoptees increase.

Answer 8

I have personal relationships with seven adult people who were adopted as infants.... and two adopted children who were 5 yrs and 1 yr at placement.

Of all of the 7 people I know who are adults--Only one had issues that needed counseling or therapy and his issues had little to do with adoption--although he used his adoption as a reason for his abusive behaviors.... His problems are not much different then any other control-narsisitic wife beating jerk....

The Other 6 adults I have a personal relationship with who were adopted--laugh at me with half of the things I bring up to them as reasons to be concerned for my adopted children's feelings.... Not one of the 6 approve of the Life Books that were made for our children, Not one wishes they had been in an open adoption... Only one of these 6 has reunited and she didn't institute the search herself and regrets it happened...

All 6 have lead wonderful life--become wonderful parents and have had long term (over 20 Years) marriages without any divorces... All 6 have raised their own children--born after marriage and been stong standing members of the community.

This is just what I personally Know from growing up with and knowing 7 adopted people from childhood to middle age.... Maybe I don't know enough adopted people to have a valid point....but, this is my observation...

The Adopted people I know keep telling Me to let go of My Crazy concern about issue my children may face and act as if they don't understand Why I worry?

Answer 9

I think the important thing to keep in mind is that anytime a child is separated from his/her parents, there is a risk of problems.  I have no idea how each person with this in his/her  background will eventually emerge, but certainly such a huge severing does make an impact.  Honestly, if we were discussing any other situation that involves the loss of parents, I don't think people would think twice about admitting an impact.  But, people are not so willing to readily discuss that event and it's impact when the topic is adoption.  

I see no problem just looking at this in a more pragmatic light.

In order for a child to be adopted, there has to be a parental loss.  It doesn't matter when, how or why.  The reality is that it exists, just as it would if a mom and her 3 month old baby were in a car accident and mom died.

Now then, it's pretty well accepted that such a big loss causes impact.  So, we've got a major loss early on and the impact that goes with it.

As I stated previously, no one can be certain how the person will emerge.  Will the child have difficulties in his/her childhood due to this?  Quite likely s/he will, just as the child who's mother died in the accident likely would.  Of course, we're more likely to "allow" the person whose loss was due to the accident to feel the loss.  Now, this doesn't mean that the difficulties are guaranteed to be extreme.  Every person is wired a little differently and has a natural "bent" in how s/he processes life's events.  I'm certainly not going to blame the child if s/he happens to be one of the one's who has more difficulty in handling issues.  That's not fair to the child.

Most people bring at least some of their "stuff" from their early years into their adult life.  Then, they process it as they go along.  If any person on this forum tried to say s/he has absolutely no issues in life, I believe that person is being less than honest.  Such a scenario hardly fits the human condition.  I think it's absolutely heartless for people to get pissy with adopted persons who do have difficulties.  Everyone processes in his or her own way and at his or her own rate.  Who the h**l am I to judge someone else's makeup and ways of processing?  Should I be kinder toward the person who lost mom in a car accident than the person who lost mom, dad, etc. due to relinquishment?  That's hardly fair of me to decide who's more "deserving" of understanding.

One of the most interesting examples of an adopted person (searched and reunited) who is highly successful is Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple.  This guy is incredibly successful in the business world.  From all accounts, he had a good adoptive family.  However, I know people who know him.  He's a mess.  This is a guy who felt the need to geographically run off to "find himself" and figure out what was wrong with him.  He absolutely EXUDES anger.  When he walks into a room at work, the room basically clears because people don't want to be around him.  I wouldn't trade my middle-class world for his money if it meant I had to also had to trade how I feel for how he has felt throughout his life.  

The point is, why judge?  I have no idea how a person will process what's happened in his or her life.  It's not up to me, anyone.  Let it be, folks.  Let people just feel what they feel -- the good and the bad.  If someone's having troubles, who am I to judge the reason?  Doesn't it make more sense to just be supportive?  The problem is that when an adopted person is having difficulties related to his/her adoption, some folks get real bent out of shape.  They don't WANT a person to feel anything difficult related to adoption, so rather than be supportive, they get on the person about it instead.

Reality: some people will have difficulty processing and handling relinquishment/adoption.  It's just the way it is.  It's no reason to judge, though.

Answer 10

I think a lot of it depends on the age when adoption occurs.  It also depends on how the adopter handles it. If the adopter makes it as "Normal" of a process as possible, it makes it easier for the adoptee to adjust.

Answer 11

i am all of the above.

the problem i have found with therapy is that so few therapists know enough about adoption.

i asked mine if she had any kids.  she said no.  i found out a year later she had an adoptee!

Answer 12

Here is the answer from an adoptee and one that adopted 2 children.

1- I do not have a hard time relating to people- actually I have great relationships.

2- some adoptees may need counseling , however not all- adoption is not an issue that always lead to depression, or a need for help

3- I am not lonely at all.

Why do people have to think that all adoptees will have problems with adoption.  I am very sorry for those who do.  My husband's family , decided when we first met, that "I will not understand their family, because I don't understand love, since I am adopted"_ WHAT!!!!!!!!  They treated their biological son with contempt-  questions like this is making adoption an option that is not as good as abortion these days- because "why would the birth mom want to cause her child such harm"- sarcasm yous say- NO, I counseled women that actually told me that. SAD HUH?

Answer 13

The worst part of adoption is the secrets and lies.  Adoptees don't know their heritage and where they came from.  Sometimes as you get older you begin to think more about these issues.  Some people might need counseling to deal with it.  I find that talking to my friends helps sometimes.

I think counseling is definitely important.  I could never get my adoptive parents to go though, b/c a few years ago when I began my search my father told me,"I think it's stupid for adopted people to go to meetings about being adopted."  In my family I would say adoptees are definitely not understood.